Saying Goodbye to a Friend.

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A friend of mine has been using me. I don't think she knows it, but she has. We were getting to be really good friends a few months back, to the point where she'd come over 3 or 4 times a week just to hang out. Her home life was garbage and I was looking for a roommate for extra income anyway, so she moved in with me.

Within a week she'd broken one of my biggest house rules - no one I don't know comes into my home - when she brought a new boyfriend over to stay with us for 3 days. The stupid kid was from out of town and I got a chance to meet him a few hours later so I said fine, just this once. And lo-and-behold, after he'd gotten the sex, he was gone the day after he showed up. Surprise Surprise.

Our friendship has remained cordial, and we still enjoy each other's company for the brief couple of minutes we see each other each week. Any play dates we set up - whether it be for "fun" shopping (we still grocery shop together), watching tv, going to events - all these things get squashed in this passive-aggressive way that makes me feel like s**t. We'll say "yeah let's go shopping in five days!" The next day, she'll say she has to work on the planned shopping day. When the shopping day arrives, she says "Oh I don't have to work. By the way, I'm going shopping in such-and-such town 2 hours away and staying with friends down there. See you when I get back," and *poof* she disappears.

It's happening all the time.

And to worsen matters, she has a wonderful little boy, and I'm his stay-at-home babysitter when she can't talk her parents into watching him. Until she had some money under her belt (new job and some debt to clear up first) I wasn't going to charge rent; just charge her for babysitting. And she owes me more money than she should - she instead uses her money to go shopping.

Tonight I was at a friend's house when she texted me if I wanted to come home and watch Archer. I said sure, and came home an hour later. I came home at 6:30, thinking we'd hang out within an hour or two of that. It's been over 4 hours now, of which she's been across the street the whole time with a guy we affectionately refer to as "Meth-Teeth."

Am I in love with my roommate? No. I know too well how much of a man-eater she is. In fact, her last boyfriend was the only guy I approved of 100%. A genuine good guy. When she brought him home, I strongly advocated for him... to no avail. It didn't work out.

I need this to be over. I'd put myself through a lot to salvage the friendship, but I'm used to realizing when a situation has expired and then acting accordingly. Tonight when she comes back over, I'm going to give her a month and a half to move out, offer to help her get situated, and hope that's enough.

At least then I'll know if she still hangs out with me that she wasn't just using me as an excuse to get away from her home life back at her parents' house. Now I feel like she uses everyone and everything else as an excuse to get away from her new home life here, which is in no way damaged. She constantly praises how much happier she is here.

Oh and why is this in the Asperger's section instead of random section? Firstly, because 90% of what I see in the random section is... 'goofy' to put it mildly. And secondly, she was the first person I really bonded with over AS. She thinks she has it too.

EDIT: I told her what I had to say a few minutes ago and I don't know where we stand right now. It was weirdly calm, despite a brief look of horror that swept over her face periodically.

And to be clear, I didn't really have a question. Don't mind input if someone feels so inclined. But mostly I just wanted to put it in words and get it off my chest. I'd been stirring in anxiety over this for weeks now, accumulating in the past hours when I finally decided what action to take.

Sounds bad.
Don't get discouraged, though.
You seem to crave companionship. Keep looking.
If she asks, are you willing to give her a 2nd chance?

I've had bad friends, but not that bad.
Anyways,
good luck.

Six weeks is plenty of time. Stick to your guns--she's using you, and you know it. When that happens, it doesn't help the other person if you let them do it, because it teaches them that they can get away with it. In the end, it hurts them just as it hurts you.

I don't envy you having to do it, but I think you're doing the right thing.

Thanks for the morale boost. It's eating me up inside because the friendship was great before she moved in, and we both worried about the friendship getting a little lost. But at the time, I knew she needed to be out of her parents' house. It looks like a house you'd see on Hoarders, complete with a back door that doesn't officially close - is propped shut with a stick - and it's in Wisconsin where we get, um, sizeable snow accumulation and cold weather in winter.

So I'm going to make sure she's set up somewhere - not going to dump her on her ass - but if she doesn't use resources and work something out in the next 6 weeks, I guess at that point she'd be stuck going back to her parents' house and she'd have to realize that she did that to herself. I won't let 7 weeks, then 12 weeks, then 2 years happen. I want to help her get into her own place.

Also, something I read in a book the other day: If you say no ten times, then you've said it nine more times than you wanted to. If she wants to negotiate, don't. Be absolutely clear that this is what's going to happen, and don't let her shift the terms on you. If she's using you as you perceive, then she will probably try to negotiate you and treat "No" as "maybe."

It's time to kick her to the curb. It's hard, I know, I just had to deal with a similar situation. A friend of mine who is an alcoholic was living with me. Unfortunately, he was way behind on the rent and prone to violent outbursts when he was drunk. At one point, after he pointed a loaded gun at me, I took him to the local mental hospital and he checked himself in. He got help and did better for a time but was still behind on the rent. However, he later fired the gun into my pool and that was the last straw. I have problems of my own and don't need the police in my life because of an illegal weapons discharge on my property! I got him to move out by telling his girlfriend I was going to ask him to move out. I knew she would tell him and so it was an easy way out for me. He decided to leave the next day and moved out a few weeks later. I wish I had kicked him out sooner as I still haven't mentally recovered from all the stress living with a violent, armed alcoholic in my house caused me. It's ruined my personal sense of well being and normalcy and will probably take a long time before I return to normal.

You may ask why I didn't call the cops. Well, I have numerous code violations on my property that I haven't been cited for. Plus, with my own mental issues, I didn't want to involve them in my life for fear of ending up committed to an institution myself. I also didn't want to escalate the situation as it easily could have ended up in a standoff with the cops with me and my home in the crossfire. So, I did what I do best and I reasoned with him and got the gun away from him. As of now, the family member he is now living with has taken the gun away and placed it with a friend. He asked me if I would be willing to keep it instead and I refused. I don't want anything to do with it.

As for the friendship, yes we are still friends. He considers me the best friend he has ever had and I am still trying to get him to get help with his issues. However, I will never again let him live with me. I decided after that situation that I would never again live with someone unless I was in a long-term relationship with them, preferably marriage.

Sounds like she played you for a sucker and you fell for it hard. And then she got you to play Horton (the elephant) to her little boy.

So how did she take your "It's not working and you now gotta go" speech?

She doesn't seem much of a friend. From the example you gave, dunno if it's passive aggression or just that she doesn't give a rat's arse about you. I doubt that there's much difference.

I wouldn't think too hard about whether or not I was in love with her........that's a very binary term and I think it can be misleading. You do seem to be rather attached, and in some sense of the word you are a couple. A key question I like to ask myself when gauging my romantic feelings is, how important is it to me that she's female?

Don't be surprised if she starts being nice to you and then asks to stay longer. She's got a lot to lose if your resolve doesn't break.

Well done for telling her straight. It's not easy to deliver bad news. I hope the kid will be OK.

She spent some time with her parents' and sisters today, and texted me from their house, begging me not to kick her out. Said she couldn't go back there.



Thanks. And he's a good kid. I'm surprised he came out of that house the way he did. I'm too much an inner-child myself, and felt like I couldn't do this. But he kinda made it easy for me to take care of him. And I do enjoy playing with his railroads and building blocks. Shhh don't tell.



Not in love with her. Care about her, but not crazy about her. Was a good friend to me over the last year. Seeing now that the friendship had other things tied to it, like "I'll go spend time with houseofpanda [to get away from parents for a few hours!]" Had she been a male, I can see myself being firmer about not watching the kid. Felt like a stand-in daddy for one not present. Emotions played on, whether inadvertent or intended. Believed inadvertent at this time. Attached less to her, more to the idea of sticking to my word: Said since day one I wanted to help her get her own place. If I'd been more emotional, I wouldn't have been so excited about a certain recent boyfriend of hers getting together with her. I would've wanted that for myself.

Definitely think 'tough love' will be better than keeping her here.

Didn't ever feel like a sucker though - I always knew I had the power to kick her out (I don't keep many long-term friends anyway, so what's one more?) and even if I don't get all the money I want/deserve, I get enough to make it financially worthwhile. Having no roommate makes considerably less money. I think many people are deducing that I fell for my roommate. She is very attractive. But I don't pursue her. She doesn't pursue me. We are friends because I'm not drooling right now. And friendships are something I don't often end up finding and keeping. I would not ruin that just because she's a woman.



It was a very strange conversation. I was playing dubstep, and a conversation about that was interspersed in between lines about her moving out. A look of horror swept across her face, and then we talked about dubstep like we were still best friends. Then look of horror, then dubstep conversation continued. Then she went to bed, and today begged me to stay. I said we'll talk later. That may have given her hope, but I was thinking of it more as a chance to further reiterate my point about why she has to leave - if she refutes - but more that I'm going to help her reestablish herself in her own place. She suddenly makes good money and if she learns to manage it better, she could easily get a nice place, with or without a roommate.

The only way I will let her stay is if we solidify a rent agreement, guaranteed regular payments to me for babysitting, and I will emotionally sign-off on the friendship until she actively pursues it. I may extend this agreement to her (the financial aspect of it) when we talk next, which will cost her about $600/month, and if she accepts, I'll make sure she pays me or she's out in 5 1/2 weeks. If she declines, that will give her the power in moving out. Then it's not about me kicking her out, so much as she decided this on her own. And that may be healthier for her in the long run.

She's not going to abide by any agreement, written or verbal. She already knows you'll let rent slide if she comes up with a good enough excuse again. And she already knows you'll drop everything to babysit her boy.

houseofpanda, she doesn't care about anybody except for herself. Her willingness to spend time with "Meth Teeth" alone proves her poor judgment as well as lack of respect for you and everybody else.

But if you want to continue helping her when she's already shown many times that she doesn't need your help but only your home and your babysitting, then you need to recognize that.

Honestly read up on meth, like Frontline's coverage.

^^^^^

Pick a stance and don't budge. As long as you're negotiating she'll assume everything's on the table, including her continued compliance.

She's a roommate, paying rent, so she's not obligated to hang out with you. Her "oh, something came up" excuses are probably a polite way to turn you down.

Don't babysit her kid. She needs a babysitter, and if not, she should be paying you.

And, set overnight guest rules. My roommates and I had a "each roommate can only have houseguests 2 nights per month MAXIMUM."
Any more was a violation of their written lease.

Three nights worth of a house guest is a fairly decent inconvenience on their roommate. That's inconsiderate. If it's only once every 6 months, fine. Once every month, annoying.

#1 rule-- ALWAYS have a written lease. ALWAYS!! ! Include rules about rent and late payments, food, cleaning, houseguests, parties, sharing items, noise, etc. No follow = NO STAY!

People who associate with druggies and/or are drunks themselves should never be allowed to set foot on your property, let alone live there. They need to get help (professionally) elsewhere. Both of these types of people are too big a liability.

You're potentially setting yourself up for huge liability in a number of ways.

You have a girl who has addict friends. A former roommate who engaged in violence.
A MINOR (kid) in your house.
No written lease.
A questionable mother who could claim ANYTHING regarding the kid or insinuating you miss-stepped to get back at you.
A tenant not paying rent, and you're letting it slide... you need to follow local rules about roommates, evictions, security deposits, sub-tenant rules, your own lease, etc.
* Not legal advise, obviously... but you seriously need to think about all the issues you're adding. If you want a roommate, find a respectable roommate who has good rental history, good job, good credit, no addictions, security deposit, no pets, no kids (unless you want to play unpaid babysitter and risk liability... kid could drown, fall, parent could insinuate you "interfered" with their child, etc.) and get a SOLID written lease signed and notarized, per local lease and sub-leasing laws.

You're not forcing her to move back in with her parents--she has six weeks to find another apartment; what more does she want? It's not like she has to provide for ten kids or anything; she only has one.

We call him Meth-Teeth just because he has bad teeth and we're a**holes. We doubt he's got a drug addiction. He works with his dad tarring blacktops every day, and if anything, he's just a redneck who doesn't brush every day....