Well, I am bummed. I am starting to realize that I have made a mistake, and that it is pretty much way too late to fix it. Let me start off with this: I am really asocial. I don't even know where to put my arms when out in public(do you cross them? behind back? pockets? both of them? calculate the mode of everyone in the room?). I have figured out that people in my town only like to socialize in bars, and other loud, drunky, noisy places. I can't meet people my age, and I certainly can't go up and talk to girls.
Which leads my to my issue. I have been thinking recently that I made a mistake a few year back. Wayy before I even thought there was anything up with me. And I wish I would have realized how upset I would be when it became apparent that its too late to fix this mistake sooner. I have essentially had one appropriate and positive continuous social interction in my life. A relationship with this girl. And for a couple years, I have been trying to think of why I ended it. There was absolutely nothing wrong with it. I just thought at the time that it was moving a little too fast. So instead of sitting down and talking about it like a normal human would, I cut off with her, didn't give her an explanation(didnt have even a rationalization really), and gave her the cold shoulder. I pretty much avoided her every time I saw her in public, because I still thought about her, but was convince that she hated me. Then, she approached me at work one day, and I flipped out. I am sure she thought I just didn't want to talk to her, but there were so many people and then I saw her and just ran in back to stock beer. Well, after talking to a friend over my vacation, he encouraged me to try to reconnect with her. And I have over the internet a little bit. And I just l found out she is moving wayy out of state. And it's not like I could even try to reconnect and talk to her like that again: she has a really good opportunity with a job offer in TX doing pretty much exactly what she said she would in high school. And I have pretty much known what I did was a mistake since I did it, and havent really had all to much social interaction since. But I always thought I could get better at talking to people and being smooth, practice a conversation 5,000 times and then trying to start things up again. But now, its like wow. She's officially moving away. Really soon. There wouldn't be time if I had the confidence. I really messed up. And I don't even know how I even got somebody to care about me that much. Everything I said and did was like a freak accident of nature, in that it wasn't a stupid blurtout or off-color comment. I don't know how I got somebody to not be able to be sick of me, but I get the feeling from interacting with others, that it's just not really going to happen too often.
It's not that I dont think I have the ability to approach people and make friendships; I can a little bit depending on the situation. But I am sick of the drinky-party scene. I never liked it to begin with; I always just sat in the corner. Unless I obliged to get drunk; which would typically end up with me yelling at some girl for *trying* to throw herself at me, me walking away in despair thinking everyone is either an a**hole or somebody who intentionally throws themselves at a**holes and gets surprised when they find out he wasn't just acting like an a**hole, and several guys throwing their hands up saying "wtf are you doing!". And bars and loud parties are about the only place to meet people my age in my town. So it's not like I am a total loser who hasn't ever had the opportunity to meet other girls. It's just that I can't socialize in crowded environments. Plus, I don't seem to fit in to well with people my age.
Well, regret sucks. I apologize for the cursing and for being a damn p****.
11 Jul 2012, 5:59 pm
