Can some Aspies be obssesive and possesive of their friends.

Post Reply New Topic

I have a problem I cannot for the life of me solve. I have a friend who is Aspergers who is posessive of me and gets jealous and abuses me and screams at me if I have anything to do with my other friends who also have Aspergers. When she comes over my place she throws things at me for no reason like a orange juice bottle at my face a lava lamp thrown at me which was mine, a pencil thrown at my eye, her bag and everything that was in it thrown at me, my pillows, controllers for my TV and dvd player and she blamed it on a spirit she uses her disability to get away with things which I feel is wrong she also orders me around and bosses me around in my own home and tells me how things should be put and what should be clean and she feels she owns the place and she has a right to walk anywhere in my unit and pick up my stuff and lay on my bed and play my nintendo ds and Psp and xbox without asking me. She is 26 and has the brain of a child, she acts like a child, her behaviour, attitude the way she dresses is the same as a child she watches kids programs and movies and wears kids shirts she plays with kids toys and kids games on her nintendo ds. But the weirdest thing is, she doesnt know how to act around kids she was at my friends sons 7th birthday and she found it hard to sit with all the kids and just talk to them she could not handle the noise of the kids and went inside to have what I call Aspie quiet time she also has the responsiblity of looking after her two nephews who she says to me she finds annoying but she acts like a kid.

I have had to write down rules in such a way that she can understand them and put them up on my pantry door if she does not abide by them she is banned from my place for 2 weeks. She just does not understand what we are saying when we explain to her what she has done wrong she gets angrey starts throwing things at us pinches, bites and punches you like a kid she says she is confused and just doesnt get what you are saying then she does these noises gets upset and rocks back and forth with her hands over her ears and starts yelling. I have been understanding, patient and tolerant for so long and tried to do the right thing but it is driving me nuts I have even tried speaking to her like a kid and explaining in basic with all the kids shows and movies she likes but she still doesnt get it and is confused what can I do.

if anything, you've been way too patient. i wouldn't put up with a friend like that. i would arrange to be too busy to entertain her whenever she wants to get together.

I agree, it sounds like you have been too patient and letting her get away with too much. With all the physical attacks you mentioned you could be putting your own health at risk by continuing to let her into your home. I would keep my distance from this person as you have your own life to look after, you are under no obligation to supervise her, you are not her parent. But if you really care about this person I would talk to her face to face, preferably away from your home in case it doesn't go well. Tell her calmly that you and your home have to be treated with respect and that you have your own life and have other friends and family that you share it with, the world does not revolve around her. If she does not comply or goes back to her old ways after this has been established, then I would no longer spend time with this person as this kind of abusive behavior could affect your mental and physical well being.

I can understand being a 20-something and still behaving like a child, and I can also understand being possessive over friends. But this woman's behavior towards you is totally out of control. She is what Dr. Phil would call a "toxic friend" - meaning someone whose friendship with you is much more harmful than beneficial. I would stop being involved with her completely if I were you.

You should honestly get away from someone like that. I frankly idolize my friends, and think about them a lot and draw them and things like that, but I would never consider them my possessions or any sort of thing like that. You have to draw the line somewhere.

There are really 2 choices here:

1) Nail down everything in your house.

or

2) Cut contact with her permanently.

If she's endangering your safety you need to get away from her. It's not your responsibility to fix her and you are not qualified to fix her behavior. You're dealing with someone's mental health problems. It's a pretty serious thing as you probably know from being a target. Anyway you would probably be better off asking her parents for advice than asking on a forum.

I am very possessive so I can relate. Up to a point. I am the shutdown type not the meltdown type. I think anyone who throws things is flunk friend material. Then again, I was married to a bi-polar woman who destroyed all my 1980's master tapes so I got a bias. Time to change lanes.

Wow.

Friends don't throw stuff at you.

Drop her like a bad habit.

And, yes, some people are too possessive of their friends. This, however, goes beyond that.

I have a posessive, clingy, annoying 'friend' who I'm pretty sure has AS, but she certainly doesn't throw things around the place or become violent. She talks like a kid, acts like a kid and expects me to do things for her like she's a kid, despite the fact she left childhood years ago. She's driving me insane. I currently have no way of getting away from her (she's my housemate), but as soon as it's possible, she will be dropped as a 'friend'. Not in a mean way, just in a way that involves me not contacting her. Ever.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it your 'friend' has some traits in common with mine, only your 'friend' is massively worse and you have no obligation to put up with that, so from my point of view dropping her as a 'friend' is an entirely valid option.

She seems like a very disturbed girl. If she was your boyfriend, people here would be lining up to tell you he was an "abuser" and to get the police involved.

Only you can judge whether her aggressive behaviour is too dangerous and embarrassing for you or not.

Seems to me she desperately needs a good shrink. I can understand somebody in a sexual relationship going all possessive and hypersensitive - I think it's usually related to childhood experiences, specifically how jealousy was handled by her primary caregiver in the very early lart of her life. If it's not resolved then, it comes back in the person's adult sexual relationships and they'll likely be anxious-avoidant or (in this case?) anxious-preoccupied..........inevitable, low-level jealousy-provoking events will send them back to their childhood experiences, and they will respond to those rather than the current events and people. So they'll either distance themselves markedly, or they'll go ape.

What baffles me is that she's doing this with a platonic, same-sex friend. I've felt very intense jealousy and anxiety in relationships, and used to behave quite aggressively as a result, but the only jealousy I've felt with friendships has been a bit of annoyance because of the complexity of having to deal with more than one person at a time. It's never made me seriously angry or anxious.

Her belief that it was "spirits" is particularly worrying - that sounds like psychosis, which I've never been able to help anybody with. It's very convenient for her to hide behind that instead of owning her behaviour and starting the hard work of making amends.

I am obsessed with a friend of mine. However, I am nothing like the OP mentioned. I have never been to his and thrown stuff about.

I'm not sure I understand - what exactly is the right thing?

Yes I can be possessive and I can be obessessive of my friends. I remember reading that it was sort of an Aspie trait - that children Aspies will get mad if their playmate decides to play with someone else. I can also act like a child sometimes, I love children's things like Toys and kids shows. However, being an Aspie is not a license to treat others however you want.

On the other hand, I have read that some Aspies do throw things in meltdowns and some may not have control over social boundaries like playing with your things. I know when I was a kid, my meltdowns were bad, as were my knoweldge of social boundaries. It is possible that your friend genuinely can't control her behaviour.

However, why is dealing with it like this your responsibility. . . I don't know why it's the right thing. If her behaviour becomes too much to handle, why do you feel you have a responsibility or why do you feel it's the right thing to allow yourself to be drained? It sounds like you really don't like this girl, having around for pity sake became she's disabled is probably not going to help her and it will be quite hard for you