What to do when you find out your Husband has Autism

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Hi I am new to this site and am trying to work out where to look for anything related to the place I now find myself. My husband of 20 years has just had autism/Aspergers confirmed and I feel like I am in a very black hole. while the problem isn't new to me or should I say the problems aren't new to me the confirmation is. I knew something was wrong and felt that because of a significant event 6 weeks before our wedding he simply didn't really love me and my hearts needs were of no consequence to him. Now I understand a little but I am completely bewildered as to what to do next. Quite frankly I want to run but I am torn apart by the idea of abandoning him. Is there anyone else out there that feels as I do, Is there anyone with any suggestions, Am I even looking in the right place?.....

I can relate to this absolutely having just recently been diagnosed after 12 years of marriage. What am I doing about it , everything I can, what did my wife do? Leave me with no promise that she is coming back. Just when I needed the most help, she leaves me.
My advice is if your husband wants to change, stay and support him and see how it goes. And see a marriage counsellor trained in AS. If he doesnt't want to change or is in denial of his AS he is not going to change and you should either accept that or move on.

Hi Beth, welcome to Wrong Planet. I think you are definitely in the right place.

I'm not in your situation, but my mother is as my father has (suspected, but quite frankly, almost definite) Aspergers. I am also on the spectrum.

I think you have a lot to work through, so I wouldn't rush into a big decision about ending your marriage just yet. Although you've always known there were problems you didn't have a name for them, or a reason. Now you can look back at your marriage with a different eye and things may begin to make sense. You can now think about the incident you mention and know that he most likely does love you and care about your needs. How different would your marriage have been had you known that all along?

I would recommend the book 'The Other Half of Aspergers Syndrome' by Maxine Aston. Your relationship might benefit from couples counselling with a therapist who is familiar with Aspergers, but I know that might not be possible for financial or other reasons.

You don't mention what your husband has said about his diagnosis, or how he feels about your marriage. This might be a good opportunity to discuss things. I only realised I was on the spectrum as an adult and although I can't change completely I am more aware now of the things I'm liable to get wrong and I have been able to have some important discussions with my partner about the level of emotional connection he needs from me. Now he tells me very clearly what he wants for example 'I am upset and I would like you to sit here with me and listen while I talk, but I do not need advice' - and I can do that, but I wouldn't be able to if he didn't tell me so explicitly. Perhaps with time and effort you will be able to improve communication with your husband.

If once the dust has settled post diagnosis you do not feel you can continue in your marriage, then of course it is right for you to leave. But you've invested 20 years of your life into this, and now you have a diagnosis you have a much better chance of improving things than you've had previously. Feel free to ask anything here on Wrong Planet and I'm sure lots of people will try and help you. There are a few NT (neurotypical - the term for someone is not on the spectrum) women here in relationships with men with AS.

Silky, I hope my wife lets the dust settle before things are closed on our relationship. Great words of wisdom.

I hope so too. I really think it can be so different after a diagnosis than before - there is a new understanding.

Yes and I have learnt Nt women stay and others run after the diagnosis. Mine ran but she may come back. To me the stronger person stays, but I can understand why they leave.

This is the tough part for me. My husband has accepted the diagnosis without question BUT now he says I think he isn't right in the head and I think he is ret*d, which I have never said. The other hard part is I think I am the problem for him and that my being here is what exacerbates the problem, the incident just before our wedding was about me, you see I was sexually and physically abused growing up, but there was living proof of the abuse I had suffered by way of my little boy, the Pastor that was to marry us was the only person who knew those 2 things about me, at the time I didn't think it would make any difference to my Fiancé because A he loved me and B I knew I had done nothing wrong. BUT the Pastor thought he knew best and HE decided Greg was going to be told but tricked us into a dinner date and over dessert my whole world crashed horrifically in front of me, but I watched the light go out in my husband in that moment. Did he have a few unusual traits before this incident Yes but this moment took him to a place that even after 20 years of pouring my love over him I have never been able to reach again. I hung on for 20 years with hope in my heart, that somewhere, somehow, someday I would reach him and right now I feel as though this diagnosis has taken him further away, I love him with all that I am but I know inside me I cannot live the rest of my days with almost no love or affection in my life. I am seeking perspective, hope something to work with in this because right now I feel even more list and bewildered, any advice thoughts, perspective would be very welcome.

I would give him a little time right now. Getting the diagnosis is only the first part, now he has to figure out what to do with the information and what it tells him about his deficits. At least now he will start the journey of learning how to deal with life better as I assume he will seek further resources now that he knows. It will take some work, but he should be able to learn much of what comes intuitively to "normal" people. He may never get certain things (sarcasm and reading between the lines among them), but that does not necessarily mean he has no capacity to love. He may just show it in a different way than you would expect.

Beth I feel for you immensely because in many ways u r feeling what my wife is. All I can say is that communication is hard between as and nt. my wife has so much anger so I retreat a little in myself. Do u feel angry? Does your husband sense that?

Sometimes everything I say to my wife just isn't good.

Last edited by ozman on 01 Jul 2012, 9:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

I thought sarcasm was an easy thing for Aspies to get? I would gladly exchange my knowledge of sarcasm for guessing what women mean when they say one thing and mean another

My God, what a horrible thing to happen to you.

Firstly, absolutely none of what has happened is your fault. While the issues from your childhood would certainly be difficult to get through for any relationship, they were not your fault. It may just be that your husband didn't know how to support you and simply withdrew. You are quite right, you cannot live with rest of your life with no love and affection, and nor should you have to. It may be that when your husband comes to terms with his diagnosis that he can learn to express the feelings that I'm sure he has for you. If not, then it may be kinder to both of you to go your separate ways.

If you can hold onto one thing it should be that this is not your fault, that you haven't 'failed' at your marriage as you've clearly worked very hard to continue this long.

I agree that you haven't failed at all, and yes Aspies often can show emotion or often give emotional support, it just takes us longer.

And that is why people need time,

One thing I'd like to tell you is that the claims that autistics are incapable of love are totally wrong. This is probably the myth that is most hurtful to NT partners of AS people, as well as the AS people themselves.

The thing is, AS people often show love differently than NTs. This does not mean their feelings are any less real.

A good analogy is the difference between cats and dogs. If you've had a pet cat, you know cats can form strong emotional bonds with humans. They don't show it by running up to you and wagging their tail, and whining whenever they're apart from you, like dogs do. And unlike dogs, if they're not in the mood, they'll often reject petting. But cats will come up and cuddle you when they're in the mood, and will often settle down nearby you when they could just as easily avoid you. They'll often give you subtle affectionate glances. If you're only used to dogs, a cat will seem quite cold and aloof, until you get used to how cats show affection. (And if, like me, you're more used to cats, dogs will seem weirdly dependant and clingy.)

I'm not sure if you've heard this myth, but just in case, I thought I'd let you know because it is a very common myth.

Hi Beth? How are you? my name is Connie we have the same situation. I recently filed a separation and its currently processing with my husband of almost 10 years, our anniversary supposed to be next month but things changed and we decided to remain friends its a very difficult situation because we got 1 daughter she is 7 year old but we promise that we will be there for her at all times.
My exhusband is diagnosed ith asperger and ADHD recently but i knew it from the begnning that something wrong with him because he was cold and not showing any signs of affection towards me after 2 years of marriage i gave birth to our daughter and i decided to stay with him and try to understand his condition plus for d sake of our daughter. Now its almost 10 years and i cant take it anymore i feel very empty and alone since i married him. Those years i still remain faithful to him after the lack of affection that most women in the planet needs.
My opinion of leaving my husband, i dont see it as some sort of abondoning him. because we can be friends with them but its all depends on you and your husband. My husband is ok. im always here for him as his friend we respect each other its necessary beacuse we have a child to raise. Its all about communication. Its not our fault that we need affection and love that they cant give us. We worked hard and we tried our best to stay faithful of all the years of marriage with them.
Take care,

Dabeef2112's wife

Are you getting any support for what has happened to you in the past? Pandys.org is a good support website, if you need to talk about those issues as well, which no doubt are upsetting to you.

I can't really give you relationship advice because if anything I am the opposite of your husband, desperately clingy.

This may be pure projection on his part, due to his own feelings of defect & mental deficiency. Or it could be that your way of relating to him has changed somehow & this is how he is interpreting it.

I would suggest you try to stay in the present & take time to educate yourself about Asperger's more thoroughly. Tony Attwood's book is very good. Please make sure you pay attention to the good qualities of AS as well as the difficult aspects.

Good communication is vital to any healthy relationship. Knowing that you each have such a very different way of communicating is like two different cultures meeting; you can make no assumptions about what the other understands. NTs often misinterpret our body language; we often misinterpret your words+body language (not reading half the communication is misinterpreting it). Now is an excellent time to study some better ways of communicating; no one is born knowing how to communicate well. I recommend reflective listening & non-violent communication skills. I have found them very helpful, to the extent I am able to employ them.

Once you have established a healthier, saner way of communicating w/each other, then history can be consciously addressed. I think if you try to do it w/your old communication patterns, you'll keep getting the same hurtful results.

If you are able to work w/a personal therapist who is familiar w/and favorably inclined to AS, that would be an excellent support for you now.

Take care of yourself & be gentle w/the situation.