Are you 'exact' when you interact with others socially?

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Someone lent me some napkins the other day. It was only about 4 or 5 because I ran out. So what did I do? Went to the store, bought the exact kind of napkin he lent me and then returned exactly 5 napkins. He didn't say anything but seemed a bit taken aback.....

In another situation, an NT acquaintance ran out of money when we both stopped at a hotdog stand to get a soda. He said he would pay me back...I bought him the soda - I did not have a problem treating him; the soda was very cheap.... but he didn't pay me back. This is a poor example but the only one I can remember, though i can vaguely remember this kind of situation happening before. NT says they will do something but never follows through...

In a completely unrelated situation, I thought I was being friendly 'enough'. In my mind, I remember that I said "hi" upon greeting the person. I could also count how many times I purposely paid attention to the person, like telling them, "I like your outfit." I COUNT how many times I gave the person eye-contact and make sure I give them eye-contact because OH, they gave me eye-contact at such and such a time, so I "owe" them an eye-contact........

Socializing is, for me, like a math puzzle. They did this, so I have to do that. They gave this, so I have to give them that. I am very grateful when people are kind, but instead of having an instinctual sense of how to respond, I rely on this super-rigid, almost perfectionistic thinking style.

Anyone relate to this?

That's why it's so hard for me to socialize - the reciprocity factor. I don't know how to reply in kind. I'm too 'out there.' When I was younger, I spent some time in the inner city. I couldn't relate to anyone because I was constantly wondering why people even live there in the first place. I couldn't rekate to those people. They weren't like me. I'm quiet, they relish noise. I like serenit in my vision, they seem to thrive on visual overkill. There was nothing I could say or do that would bring us around to being on the same level. I'm still like that - too different.

I do this sort of thing some times. My boss says my total honesty is one of the things she likes about me. At work, I can take anything literally, and it usually takes me a second or two to decipher the meaning behind a joke or figurative speech.

I used to do the all mathematical formulas for socializing, but then I realized that one of the differences between Aspies and NT's was that we often go nuts worrying about NOT be rude, while NTs are often rude and usually don't care when they are... So, I saved myself a lot of headaches and just stopped caring.

Last edited by dyingofpoetry on 20 Jul 2012, 12:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yes.
I believe those would fall under the category of "unnatural social courtesies".
Oh my gosh, I hate when people do that; because I'm quite gullible and honest if I borrow money from them, I always pay them back- even if they insist that they don't want it back. I also hate when I borrow someone some money and then I insist they don't pay it back, then they insist that they do, but then they don't pay me back.
I don't count, but make a mental note of my (fake) eye contact so that I know when I've done enough and know when to stop, so I don't wound up making myself uncomfortable and feeling a lot more awkward...but "Yes," I do think in that way.

The things that you mentioned are most likely a part of AS. I also saw these sort of questions on the 'Aspie Quiz'.

I used to have a hard time with the reciprocity thing then something snapped and I stopped trying at all. I don't have any friends so I don't advise this but I learned a while ago that things that have little monetary value (a pile of napkins, a soda) wouldn't really be kept track of by NTs, they would just start to notice after a while if you never reciprocated.

Edited to add: It gets more tricky because often times I don't realize someone is purposely doing me a favor ... anyone else? Realize too late someone is being nice or whatever and you don't catch it in time to repay them in gratitude or later on?

I recently had some issues with this and I was told that I (and other AS people) think and act from the principles of facts and numbers while NT (at least most of them) processes of thinking start with their feelings.

Therefore when having an issue, others see a lending incident as just a friendly thing they forget because the social interaction matters to them and not the physical lending while to us the actual physical transaction is the most important of the event.

From my experience, people expect us to conform because we are in the minority. I think both should be more accomodating in this, but this is the way it is and people expect the event to go in the NT way.