The darkside of NT imitation: Misunderstandings

Post Reply New Topic

I think I usually do a good job imitating NTs, but one problem that I've been noticing--but for some reason I'm unable to enumerate any examples for it--is that I stick to the NT script so much that stuff gets missed, things get lost in translation. I'm having a conversation, and I'm like cool, I'm connecting with this person and everything, I'm doing it perfectly, and I'm talking and saying things and all that good stuff, but when I walk away from the conversation I'm like, Wait a second, that came across wrong/I didn't get the point I was meaning to get across/I didn't really understand what that person was saying and I still don't! And usually I will try to run back with clarifications, but it doesn't always work.

Has anyone else had this kind of issue?

I have found this to be quite a common occurence when I interact with the NT world as well. I do a credible imitation, but I still get 'Looks" and comments that say I came off as slightly odd. But since I have no intention of claiming/using an AS dx as an excuse (outside of my friends, a couple of management personel at my job, and people here, no one even knows. I aim to keep it that way to.
ASD will never be an identity to me, it is a disorder. I just wish that talking to non-spectrum people was as easy as writing replies like this here!

Sincerely,
Matthew

Yes.

I will ask you a question how old are you?

I am getting near to 40 and we can learn but we will never be able to talk the talk and walk the walk.

I try as hard as I can to be the best person I can be but I have learned to accept myself and drop the guilt.

Running over situations in your head again and again will only drive you up the wall.

Be yourself even if that means spending time alone.

I don't waste time pretending like I used to. I myself am almost 40. Either I'm too tired, realize I'm alone either way, just don't care anymore, or realize its not a crime to be this way, so why should I have to pretend? Then I think about sociological reasons why people should have mannerisms and customs and etiquette, and I realize NT's are just as fake as we are; they're just better at faking it. We're too honest to be that good.... Or something like that.... Maybe.

Yes, I think dropping the guilt is an important thing to do too. I'm approaching 30 and it has taken me this long to realise that while I thought I was "doing it perfectly" like the OP, I actually wasn't. Far from it. Very far from it. Funny thing is, now that I accept myself and my strangeness, I can actually communicate much better, because I'm not so worried about 'how I'm doing'.

Something that has really helped me and may help you, beneficii, is concentrating more on the other person than on yourself. This is something they teach at professional acting schools, and it's a lot harder than it seems. On stage (or screen), you're not supposed to think about how you're looking or sounding or portraying yourself. It's about the other person - completely - and how you can influence them.

This seems to fly in the face of 'acting NT' by working cognitively through socialisation (which I do), but I try to cognitively focus on the other person, not on myself, and through trial and error and not trying to be 'perfect', people appear to be more comfortable around me.

Either that or I've just stopped getting so stressed out about what I said or didn't say in a conversation. Oh well, whatever works...

Good luck

The thing is, There is a lot about me and my history that would be unacceptable to NT people, so if I want to have any success I need to cover it up.

That's why I always say that learning "social skills" is not only a waste of time but counter-productive. Instead of a weirdo, you just become a ""very polite"" weirdo, that's all.

And the reason is that Theory of MInd is the ability to react appropriately to a specific social interaction, not to apply the same rules to ALL social interactions. Aspies that have learned social skills stand out even worse than those who don't, because applying generalized social rules in the wrong context makes you look just so pathetic.

Eg I remember an aspie guy who had obviously learned how to try and persuade people nicely, as part of some "social skills" course, so when he invited me to a gathering and I said I couldn't make it because I was starting a new job after a very long time of unemployment that day and the hour overlapped, he spent minutes using his "nice convincing" skills. I had to interrupt him and teach him that not everyone declining needed convincing, some people would just not attend the gathering for anything in the world because they had very powerful reasons, however convincing he might be, and that he has to listen to the reason people give him before he tries to convince them that "It will be lots of fun!". The poor thing looked so pathetic employing his all-shiny "social skills" totally wrong.

Yes, I just turned 50 & am becoming known as a "polite" weirdo. I used to be just that "creepy Weirdo" <Sigh>
But if I acted totally true to myself, back in the day, a mental institution loomed large as my fated home. Believe me, it was worse for people on the Spectrum a few decades ago!

Sincerely,
Matthew

Well, life wasn't worse for aspies 50 years ago, as companies (and to a certain extent also society at large) didn't place any value on social savvy and an aspie like my father was never fired. If he had to work in today's working environment of multi-tasking and social savvy, he'd be on social security for sure. The level of sophistication of social interaction expected from a human nowadays is much higher than several decades ago.

I always repeat conversations in my mind over and over and over again, and lately I've started whispering them out loud to myself, I guess to try to re-listen to the tone in which they were spoken (which is a problem because I think I'm starting to whisper in public now ). Occasionally I'll make up a conversation in my mind that *might* happen in the future, I'm assuming so that I can practice my responses or something. I have actually gone back with clarifications as well. Sometimes I repeat conversations out loud because I think that they went well and I guess I get some joy out of "reliving" the experience. Are these Autism traits that I'm describing here?

I find some NTs actually like me because of my lack of social pretense. Others just get rubbed the wrong way and dislike me for it.

I think finding individuals who appreciate you for who you are, and your honesty, is more important that learning how to 'fake it' better. Once I realized this and stopped feeling crappy for being so bad at acting 'normal', I was much happier with myself.

That happens to other people? I always thought it was just me...

The only person you're ever going to be is you. Get going.

I think you're stating the obvious. It's everyone's dream, aspie or nt, to find people who appreciate them for who they are. The problem is it's more rare than winning the lottery.

I've had countless people in my life appreciate me very much for my kindness, honesty, fairness, unbiased insights, wisdom, depth of analysis, intelligence, creativity, originality, sense of humor, attractiveness, liveliness, warmth, loyalty, deep caring - yet in the long run none of this compensates for my weirdness from their point of view, or for their embarrassment with their other, normal, NT relations, and they all end up leaving, most of them even in anger or contempt.