How should I deal with my parents?

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Hi everyone,

I haven't been formally diagnosed with asperger's yet, but I'm pretty sure that I have it. There are a lot of things I really can't do without feeling extremely uncomfortable such as talking to my anyone for a very long time while making prolonged eye contact. In fact, I usually avoid making any eye contact at all, and prefer to talk to people if I don't have to look at them. If I do have to be really close to someone or have to look at them when I am talking to them, I'll end up getting really stressed and just give curt, short replies so that I can leave or stop talking. (Although I can have conversations with people on the phone because I don't have to look at them.)

Because of this, my parents (especially my Dad) think I am unappreciative, rude, and that I don't care about them. This isn't true at all, and I'm just not able to articulate gratitude the way my siblings do, like through casual conversation and touch like back rubs and such. I'm also really bad at reading their social cues, and I'll often think they're happy when they're actually not and then I'll get into trouble and get upset because of the shouting and I'll start getting snappy, leading to them getting even more angry at me.

Quite recently, I brought my pet to the vet, and had to spend a lot of money on it. I paid with my own savings, but after my Dad found out, he was very angry and started shouting that I care more about an animal than I do about him. Naturally, I tried to explain that I had to bring it to get treatment or it would suffer and die, but my Dad would have none of it. He spent the whole night shouting that my priorities were not right and that he deserves to be treated better than I treat my pets. I really don't see how taking an animal to the vet to save its life is equated with treating it better than my parents, but I don't deliberately treat my parents the way I do because I dislike them. In fact, I like them a lot, but I just can't show it the way they want me to. I do iron the clothes for them, and help to clean things, but they don't seem to understand that that is my way of showing appreciation.

It's getting very stressful for me, however, and I don't know how to explain to my parents that I just don't like talking to or touching other people or looking at them. Unfortunately, these are the only ways I can prove to them that I'm not deliberately being disrespectful. I can't tell my parents that I think I have Asperger's, as they are not open to psychiatric diagnoses at all. I am currently already seeing a psychiatrist every month because I have ADHD, and my parents are already very displeased at the amount of money they have to spend as they think that mental problems are not real. Besides this, I wouldn't dare to tell them even if I had a formal diagnosis as when I was diagnosed with depression a year ago, they did not take it seriously and refused treatment for me. I also heard them calling people up to tell them that I was 'claiming' to have more ridiculous disorders. As such, I wouldn't tell them even if I could, as I'm afraid they will just make fun of me or use the diagnosis as an abusive term (as they already do this with my ADHD diagnosis). Furthermore, there once when my Dad beat me up quite badly because he tried to rearrange my room and when I got home I was very upset and had to put everything back to where it was before. He thought I was being inconsiderate as he had spent the whole day trying to make the room easier to clean. He apologised, but ever since then, I have never felt safe around him.

I would like to seek any advice from anyone here who might have had to go through something like this before, or even any advice from anyone at all. I'm reaching the end of my tether and I don't know what to do as my relationship between me and my parents is getting worse even though I try to get them to not dislike me. I would consider moving out, but that would probably destroy my relationship with them completely, as they believe that children are supposed to take care of their parents. Besides, I don't have a job yet, and rent in my location is extremely expensive.

Any help would be really great!

Yeah it's tough, I'm dealing with that same kind of thing at the moment as well. I'm always being told I'm careless, rude, sarcastic, selfish, stupid, lazy and have been asked the rhetorical question 'what's wrong with you' for years. Plus recently I've been having trouble concentrating on my school work hence getting bad grades and they now have this idea in their head that I have a bad attitude and that I'm being reckless and don't care about my future. I've tried explaining to them that I do care but I just have trouble focusing but they just think I'm making up excuses.
Anyway I think the only thing you can do is educate your parents. Give them a book, print off sheets from the net or even write a letter explaining it yourself.

I`ve had similar experiences before. Now i`ve moved out and dont have to argue with my family anymore, but I am still trying to get on good terms with them, and I have made a lot of improvements on that. My dad has aspergers too, but he never knew about it, and doesnt take it very seriously anyway.

Its really hard to make them understand what we are feeling. I would say for the most part you have to go it alone. I think its good that you seeked some professional help too, since parents can be really clueless. At least it might help you understand them better. Especially when you are young your parents wont take you seriously, you have to either make a stand or go at some point.

I dont think your dad beating you up is right, especially if you are female. You should try to go independent and move out. In the mean time still try to understand and get along with them, eventually hopefully get them to understand you. You can still support them somehow at a distance in meanwhile.

i have tough time with my parents too
i cut off with my mom and bro for almost 4 years
i reconnected but i keep a distance and interact
its stressful dealing with them
better to keep a distance.

I'm not sure if I would want to do that. Educating them or even alerting them to the fact that I probably have Asperger's would just be giving them more fodder for their cannon and right now I'm already having to deal with them equating ADHD with stupid and flinging it at me like an insult. Still, writing a letter might be a good idea since it'll hopefully let me communicate with them.



It's nice to hear that you're getting on well with your parents now, hopefully I'll be able to reach that stage one day. I do plan on moving out, but I'll probably have to wait till I graduate and find a job that pays enough for the rent around here. I'm not really sure if I'll be able to maintain a relationship with them if I do, but at least it will reduce some of the strain.



I can't really distance myself much right now since I'm living in the same house as them. It'll have to wait till I can move out. In the mean time I've just been staying in the university cafe everyday
till nighttime to study because it's nice and quiet now that most people are on summer break.