SItuation I dont understand, please help

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I found this rather interesting. Yesterday I was doing a few art pieces. I already chatted in another forum how I do not understand the over criticism of my hobby from my best friend.

well yesterday she was telling me how my art starts great then goes downhill when I "blur" everything. That it seems like I draw how I see the world and that I seem to see the world as blurry. That my art belongs in a kinder garden class that I am not six years old anymore I am almost thirty I need to grow up and then she shouted "You are not autistic so its not an excuse!"

This stunned me. The conversation was longer than this, and had more involved in it so this may not give a very objective outlook but I was so frazzled I can't remember all of it, so I may be missing something important she said to make her point across.

But this shocked me. I have not used that word around her in over 6 months. I have not used it to excuse anything ever, anyways. So I was left speechless. What should I make of that? Is she resentful of the idea that I am in the spectrum?

After a while, I asked her "Are you tired of being my friend?"

She asked me if anyone had ever told me that, I said no. So after a bit she said. "I am trying not to, but I am tired. It is hard to move forward and change if everyone else doesn't move forward with me."

I tried to let it go.

I tried to not make a big deal out of her shouting that. But I am perplex and I do not understand. Not to mention that what she said about my art hurt so bad. She said it was good, and I had talent but that I ruined them. That I needed to grow up. That my art expressed nothing, and I was supposed to use it to express myself, or so I had said I wanted. Why do I feel so wounded?

She said it did not express what I said it did, that it was good, until I colored it and that it was a waste of soft pastels.

Edit: I remembered something else, she had said that it made her mad when I said she had talent when she drew this amazing picture because I could do it too, but I wasted it. And she had also said that my art had no focus, she did not think someone should have to look for what to focus on on a piece of art, it made it meaningless.

Everything can't look like Rembrandt. Some people look at Picasso or Dali or Manet or Warhol and don't see the point. Accuracy is not the point; originality of expression is. It may well be that your "blurry" obsfucation of your drawings are your stock in trade, and therefore, has to be accepted as such. Some people look at Keith Haring and think, "This is simple. I can do this." Yes, exactly. But his line drawings are his, and they're unique enough to be identified as being Haring's.

One thing that does disturb me is how you two may be growing apart to the point where you're no longer friends. There may be other issues besides the art. From what I've inferred, she probably looks at you as being immature and a liar who says they have autism. She may think you're just trying to get the sympathy vote and not putting in any real sweat into your art.

If you can take some pictures of your art and post them here, maybe you can get further opinions and criticism. You can post a link to a site with your art, also.

I have do such here and I have been told I have my own style, and that this is good. Here is one of my pieces, one she criticized a lot. Still her shouting the autism thing . . . I didn't get that. I have stopped talking to people about it, kept it to myself, why bring it up when no one else did, when she herself told me she never wanted it brought up again?

Edit: What I understand the least is this idea of her thinking we are drifting apart or not growing. We have known each other for over seven years. She is my sister my best friend. I gave up relationships with family to stand up for her because I knew she was right. I love her, why does she treat me like I won't do anything for her, when I even do her homework! I love her and I don't understand why she feels this way and when I ask, she says the same stuff and I don't understand it.

[img][455:600]http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/201/a/8/lead_me_by_tempertempest-d5803yb.jpg[/img]

Your friend's honesty and clarity of thought and self-awareness are a rare gem in today's society of non-verbal phony messages. She told you that she's not angry at you but she's angry with frustration that you two are growing at different paces and in different directions. She needs your art to be the way she wants it so that she's not alone wherever she's going. She needs you to not be autistic so that you two can continue developing in the same way together and she doesn't have to be alone. She's suffering with a terrible dilemma: if she develops herself to her full potential, she leaves her friends either behind or on a separate, parallel path. If she chooses the friends, she stunts her own growth. I hope you do realize that this is all about her own issues and has nothing to do with you. Just next time she has a meltdown like this, tell her to control herself because it's stressful and hurtful to you, or you'll remove yourself from the scene till she's calmed down.

By the way, your question was awesome. And as I said, her answer too. Your dialogue sounded like one from a good movie...

I wish you both the best, together or in separate ways, whatever is best for you two.

If its not about me, how do I help? What can I do?

There's nothing to help with. All humans face the dilemma between being themselves and holding on to others. All humans pay a price in self-fulfillment for the sake of not being alone on their path and a price of loneliness for developing themselves. It's her call to decide how much she wants to sacrifice of one and of the other, what balance to strike that suits her.

Or you could do the unhealthy thing and paint the way she likes it and suppress you're autistic, so as not to lose her friendship. Pretend to be all she needs a fellow traveler to be wherever she is headed. Results, needless to say, would be disastrous.

I cant . . . do that. I can't pretend! >,< I guess I just gotta wait it out.

You could watch the old movie Julia to see how other friends have coped with this. Very impacting movie.

I'll tell you a story:

A colleague of mine in the office, a Russian immigrant woman in her late forties, one day left her desk early to rush to a local 5-star hotel. She explained she was going to meet an old friend who was visiting our country. She told me the woman's story and showed me photos. They were girls in the Soviet Union, studied violin together. The other girl, being extremely talented, was chosen to represent the USSR in Germany at an international violin competition.

In those times, leaving the USSR was forbidden and to be sure you'd come back from participating in such an event and wouldn't escape, they held your family hostage. Meaning, if you escaped and didn't come back, all your family members were designated traitors and expelled from society, not being able to ever work to support themselves, marry or have friends, shunned by all as traitors. Of course, no contact was possible with the family member that had escaped. Forever.

The night the girl was leaving for Germany, she called my colleague to say good-bye, but my colleague was busy and told her they'd talk upon the girl's return from Germany a few days later.

The woman never came back. She escaped.

30 years later, they met at the 5-star hotel. Both already with wrinkles. One, a famous, ultra-rich, international violinist, living in a mansion in a park in the center of London - alone. The other, a striving single mother and office clerk, surrounded by friends and family.

(By the way, I begged my colleague to convince her friend I wanted to write the story, but my colleague didn't dare ask her. About the girl's family, my colleague didn't dare ask either, so I'll never know what became of them. It seems that they're fine and rich now, though, and since the fall of the USSR reunited with the violinist and traveling freely to see her. I assume they've forgiven her for their tragedy).

I think, like Moondust said, that it's not about you, but rather about some issues your friend might be having. It's hard to tell exactly what, maybe some kind of existential crisis. I wonder what she meant by "It is hard to move forward and change if everyone else doesn't move forward with me". Also, what exactly is she tired of. Why does she need your art to be a certain way for her to move forward? Your art is yours to make, why is she so impacted by it? I think a good answer to this question could shed some light on the issue. Maybe you can talk to her about all this one of these days, when you are both calm. It would be a good thing to tell her how much what she said hurt you...

Also, why is she opposed to the idea of you being autistic? What prevents her from accepting it?

I think she clearly needs something from your or from the other people in her life, in order to help her "move forward". Maybe she's not aware of what she needs and projects her needs unto your art. Suppose you decided to pretend and make pieces of art the way she wants to - how exactly would that be helpful to her? If she can answer to herself this question, she might have the key to understanding what she really needs. I say this, because, in reality, you cannot help her through your art (given that it is YOUR art, not hers) - but maybe there are other ways in which you can help her...

First of all, I like your art.

Second of all, I was first an art major in college and then dropped the major because I was told I didn't "draw right." To me, that is the most idiotic statement a person could make. There is no "draw right" or "draw wrong" or "good art" or "bad art." There is only expression and if someone doesn't like the way you express yourself, that is 100% OK. OK for them and OK for you. It is a matter of preference. Not an absolute.

As for why your friend said what she said, I have no idea, but I agree with the others who said this sounds like her issue, not yours.

But I do like your art and it is the colors that I like the most.

I do not think that it's your friend's place to discuss whether or not you (might) have autism. I know it's not my friends' place to doubt or diagnose me with anything. They're friends and not my psychiatrists - and I suspect that you're not your friend's patient either.

As kind and as funny they are, it's none of my friends' business whether I have autism or not because they simply don't need to be sure of my diagnosis to accept me as their (autistic) friend.



Did she really say it like that? If it's "everybody" to her that doesn't move on, it's not you. Take it literally, for instance. It's everyone.

Now, one may take such claims/accusations as they like. Claiming that the fault is with everyone else hardly ever works out though.



Seriously? Why mention that? And what does she do for you in return as regularly?

I can say I don't have friends like that so I don't understand your relationship from what you little you told about it. I have very honest, stubborn but caring friends who even when upset do not shout insulting things to me face, who do not attempt to discourage me and act as if they know more about my abilities, impairments and my life than I do.

I love that drawing!

You can't expect a friend to honestly get with your art.

Your friend has to know disdaining your art has to hurt.

Impasse.

But don't stop your style. It rocks!

I don't have anything else to add about your friend that hasn't already been posted.

But I like your art. The colors are nice and the swooshes give it some motion and sort of potential energy, to me at least.

Her chief complaint about my art is that is “not defined” and that she has to search for something to focus on in it that I turned something complex into something simple, and I don’t think she meant simple in a good way. I still don’t think this is kinder garden art, and if it was, what wrong with kinder garden art?
She was telling me she saw a quote she liked that said “if beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then I am a reflection of your mirror” and she agrees with that. Makes me think is there something she sees that reminds her of a part of herself she does not like?
I know I can’t ask her questions like that, mostly because I am sure my delivery will be all wrong.

I don't really know what to say except that it seems like she has a problem with herself. She seems to need everyone around her to be in the same place she sees herself going rather than being able to accept them as they are. That is not your responsibility though. You need to be you and she needs to meet you where you are. You both have different paths to take in this journey we call life. They may be linked by friendship, but that means accepting the other person for who they are and the path they take, not expecting them to live a certain way just so that they will be where you are.

I am not an artist. That being said, I do build and create mechanical things, including building my own cars. It's something I need to do for my own sense of happiness and self worth. It does carry with it a somewhat disorganized lifestyle though. I have friends and family who don't understand this and criticize me for either my lack of progress or the amount of time I put into them. They expect me to be a different person than who I am and to live an average, middle class lifestyle that just doesn't fit me. It does cause friction from time to time but most of the time they take me as I am. I am hoping your situation is similar and that she lets off on the criticism a bit. You shouldn't have to change just to fulfill the life's ambitions of your friend.

I agree that I should not have to change something that is not harmful just to please someone. I did however conduct a little experiment. I wanted to know what exactly was off-putting to her about my drawings so I drew the same picture a few times, in different ways, or the same as before, and showed them to her. The ones she found “awesome” and “good” used the exact techniques she criticized, exept that they had no background colors and where a single object on a white piece of paper.

I think she may have issues concentrating, because it was her chief complaint to have to focus on something to look at in my pictures.
Secondly, I found it funny that she found the simple stuff complex and the complex color-combination drawings childish.

Overall I think she just has problems accepting certain styles and ways of being. I think she has problems focusing and I think this irritates her so she took it out on my art.

Just like when I used to read a lot. She complained that I read too much and the same books and that it was the reason I was immature and had me quit reading fiction for some time. In retrospect she had trouble reading for long periods of time.
I actually told her yesterday, out of context you know, not to bring back old issues that I agree that just because someone does not walk the same road you do, does not mean they are lost, and she agreed! I think everyone wants to agree on their own terms.