Freaky Councellors

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Hi,

I'd like to share an experience I had a little while ago when I sought help at my University for difficulties arising due to my general social ineptitude and the difficulties I had making friends. To let you know about my situation, I am female and may or may not have some form of ASD. My GP (doctor) doesn't think I have one, I hope I don't, but I'm waiting to be assessed (have been for quite some time). I realise this means that this is possibly not the best place to post this, but I've got nowhere else, and many of the people on here that I've encountered so far have been the most helpful people I've come across.

I wrote a very detailed letter describing my difficulties to the University councelling service, and asked them if they could give me any advice on how to deal with, read and get along with people. They replied, and sent me to see a councellor. Here's what happened:

I walk in. She greets me and sits me down. She sits down and asks me what's wrong. I explain and ask if she can help. She sits and stares at me and asks me to tell her more about my problems. She sits and stares at me some more. I start to get a bit nervous. I ask her if she can help. She says she is helping. She sits and stares at me some more. I have no idea what I'm supposed to say or do. I try to explain to her. She sits and stares at me some more. I get very nervous. She asks me to come back next week.

I come back. I walk in. She sits me down. She sits down. She sits and stares at me. I don't know what to say. I am very nervous. She asks me how I've been this week. I tell her I've been ok and try to explain (again) what I'm finding difficult and ask if she can help me. She sits and stares at me some more. She says nothing. I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what I'm meant to say or do. I try to engage her in conversation. She sits and stares at me some more. I ask if maybe there's a book she can reccommend. She says that "problems with relationships are best solved in relationships" She asks me to come back next week.

I come back, walk in etc. I am scared. She sits and stares at me. I try again to ask for help. I try to explain my difficulties on a situation by situation basis but fail, as all she does is stare at me. I beg for advice, but nothing I say gets a single word out her, bar those she uses to get me to talk meaningless words. She sits and stares at me. When talking about boyfriends I mention I'm not all that fussed about getting sex. Suddenly she's interested- she wants to know everything about my "sex life", about all the sex I've ever had, ever. I'm confused- sex wasn't causing me any problems, but all she wants is meaningless words about it. She stares at me some more. She says we've made progress. She asks me to come back next week.

I go back. I can hardly even look her in the eye. Stress caused by the impending session had caused nightmares that had prevented me from getting any sleep the previous night. She sits me down and stares at me. I have no idea of what to say. She stares at me some more. By this point I'm obviously nervous- I have developed a slight muscular tremour and cannot actually look at her. She tries to get me to talk. I try to explain that I don't know what to say and do during the sessions and that this makes me nervous and scared. I plead with her to advise me or send me to someone who can. She sits and stares at me. I tell her that I find her sessions intensely distressing, and that they've been stirring up nightmares and making me anxious outwith the time spent in them. She sits and stares at me. I tell her I can't take any more of them and she says that's ok and that I'm free to come back any time. She also says I should go to group therapy (NO WAY! I'm not going through all that in front of other people).

Is this typical for councelling? Has anyone here had similar or different experiences? My GP (doctor) says that once I've been assessed and it's been established that I'm not on the autistic spectrum (something she seems very sure of) she wants me to go for more councelling, maybe of a different type (the psychiatrist she sent me to mentioned freudian psychoanalysis and some sort of British school of counselling that I've forgotten the name of) and possibly group therapy. I'm really, really dreading it.

Talk to her about how she makes you feel and/or stop seeing her.

I did and I stopped seeing her. This happened in the spring of this year.

I had a counselor like that once years ago. I lasted until I think the second session. I remember I was there specifically to get help in terms of knowing how to best be a good boyfriend to my first girlfriend, who had experienced some trama a bit earlier in her life and seemed to have some issues relating to men because of it. And he refused to even hint at possible solutions or ways I could act. It would have been more productive talking to a wall! And of course I lost the girlfriend ultimately.

Unfortunately, these seems to be a school of thought in mental health services that counselors and therapists should remain mostly silent and just get "imput", not really interacting with their patients, and then after many, many sessions come up with vague sounding diagnosises, which they may or may not fully share with the patient. This is irritating as hell for a personality type like mine, and it sounds like for you as well. Maybe it's an Aspie thing and neurotypicals are just fine with it, I don't know.

Anyhow, the solution is seriously to find another counselor or psychologist or whatever. Find one who's personality and style seems more suited to you. You may have to pay more or do some traveling or whatever, but it beats talking to the flesh and blood equivalent of a wall. I found a good psychologist who will interact with me and respond and ask decent questions, and actually tell me what she is thinking diagnostically. I knew I probably had found someone decent when I called to schedule an appointment and she picked up the phone herself and talked with me for like 10 minutes and asked questions and such. The tradeoff, though, is that I have to travel an hour and a half to see her, but I think it's worthwhile.

That kind of behavior is irritating to anyone.

I learned a long time ago not to trust school counselors. They usually have the agenda of getting you to do what is best for the school which isn't always what is best for the student. If a student needs a counselor, they should seek one who is not connected with the school system if they want good results.

IT'S A FREUDIAN! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! KILL! DESTROY! MANGLE! Stop seeing this woman immediately, and send a death squad after her. Report her to the authorities for sexual abuse or something, ANYTHING to get this freudian psychofanatic off the job and into a FREAKING PRISON! All she'll do is try to convince you that every pissy problem you've ever had is rooted in how much sex you've been getting and how, deny that autism even exists, and try to sell you on some antiquated pseudoscience that completely and blindly ignores every single thing that's been discovered about the human brain for the past fifty years! RUN!

I have a great deal of respect for honest psychiatry, but it's hard to find anyone in the field who fits that description.

r_mc, you have my sympathy. From my psychology class, I know that there is a style of counseling that consists primarily of the counselor repeating the patient's words back to them--"affirming" them. This may be good for some people who have trouble talking about their problems, who have emotional problems... But this is quite obviously not what you needed; in fact, is not what you were asking for. You wanted advice; she refused to give it. You wanted information; she only listened.

You need a new counselor--one who will act more as a coach, teacher, or trainer, to teach you what you need to know about relationships. Just because you had one bad experience doesn't mean there aren't decent people out there to help you.

If you do have some form of ASD, then you don't have a psychological problem (or, if you do have a psychological problem, your ASD may be the underlying cause--we are particularly prone to depression) and this counselor was assuming that you had ONLY a psychological problem and not just poor social skills you wanted to fix. She was treating you as though you were an NT (which you may or may not be) with psychological problems. And, for all her listening, she wasn't really listening. You said explicitly what you wanted to learn, what you wanted to change; and she only assumed that you wanted to talk, and that talking solves everything.

Now, talking does help you define the problem and hash out a solution; but you apparently already have your problem defined, and were ready to go on to the "solution" stage--and the counselor didn't get that.

By the way, the possibility of having some sort of ASD isn't some dire specter to be worried about--you can be happy and successful with or without it; and frankly, I and many others here really like being on the Spectrum. It gives us brains which are different from the norm, ways of approaching life that are original, the intensity to become experts on our favored subjects. And if you're an Aspie (or PDD-NOS or whatever), then you've got a whole body of research you can check out to tell you about your own mind. Having a diagnosis gets you a lot of resources (but don't believe everything you read, either!).

So maybe you're on the Spectrum, or maybe you just have something like ADD (which can cause social trouble) or social anxiety... In any case, you're already partway to the solution because you've defined your problem. Now all you've got to do is put those symptoms together, look at them, and see how you can overcome or work through them.

Tell whoever assigned you to that counselor to get you another one who won't be so passive (or go find somebody else and relate your previous experience to them): "Okay, look, all she wants me to do is talk; but I know what my problem is: I've got social skills that aren't up to par, and I'm kind of confused on relationships. I want to learn how to overcome my problems, not just talk about random things from my childhood."

Oh, yeah, regarding sex: People have different levels of sex drives... I'm asexual, which means mine is very low, and I don't particularly want sex. That's a normal variation. Unless it was caused by some sort of trauma in your past that totally turned you off (though, mind you, trauma can happen to people who were asexual in the first place), then it's a natural part of yourself that isn't a cause for concern. I personally rather enjoy not having to be part of the overpressurized dating scene, and just pursuing friendships instead.

Even if this lady was following the routine, she just doesn't get it.

That would be incredibly irritating to me. Funny, that sounds exactly like some of my counseling experiences. I would sit there, they would look at me, I would ask for advice, they would look at me some more. We got into the battle of wills about how to help me and whether or not it psychotherapy could help and on.

I like a much more active therapist, one who actually talks to you. They do exist.

Kate

You might find it helpful to research some different "schools of psychology" and see if you think one of them would best suit your situation.I personally have had many useless counselors....They are unlikely to solve a problem if they are starting from the wrong premis.If they believe your problem is because of psychological issues and it is from brain wiring....they are not going to reach the appropriate solution.
My experience is that,if they are unaware of AS,they are likely to try and "fit" you into the next closest DX.Many people with AS have been missDX previously.....sometimes with 4 or 5 DX that magically add up to AS traits....go figure.

The most constructive and interactive therapy for me was RET.It wasnt perfect and at the time there was no awareness of AS but it was helpful in some ways.At least the counselor engaged in dialogue with me.....even though, she said I "thought" to much...was out of touch with my emotions and was a black and white thinker....now,that would be recognised as part of AS.....duh.

Is she hot? If so, you might ask about her sex life, and you'll eventually get each other in the mood, which might take your therapy further than you ever dared.