completely blind to love and affection since birth?!?

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I just figured out i feel like i have never felt any love or affection from anyone since my birth.
It doesn't make any sense because my family actually kinda likes me i suppose. At least my grandparents. I kinda know i have experienced love and affection. Like physical, or with words or something. But i can't remember amy single incident of physical or verbal affection or love, i can't even give myself a clear definition of these words. I absolutely don't know what these mean!
As a kid i felt like an orphan. Literally. I felt absolutely alone and neglected (emotionally) and felt like i have to take care of everything (mostly being good at school) myself. Obviously these were only my feelings ( or not) i live in a large family. Lots of uncle's aunts, who possibly danced around me and my mother is also ok.
The thing is, even today, if someone is nice to me, i dont realize it. Today, my mother offered HER cup of coffee to me and i thought nothing about it.
On the other hand i feel meanness and unfair behaviour too well, and sometimes feel such while non is present!
My memory is filled with negative and mean memories and i have no single memory of love affection or kindness.

The more i think about this the more i realize that i dont know **** about the words love and affection. Like a hole in my soul.

I have been given the following diagnosed. Current doc says all are wrong.
Schizophrenia
Bipolar
Schizoid and narzissistic ppersonality disorder
Aspergers

Can you help me please? Any ideas?

Well, I don't know whether I want to fix myself using someone else. And I'm also not smart/capable enough finding a girlfriend. I'm also not sure where this problem comes from. Brain damage at birth(suffocation happend)? Aspergers?(some docs say I dont have it) actual neglect? Schizophrenia? (Many docs say I have it).
Maybe its alexithymia but then, why am I capable of sensing some very negative ffeelings? This is crap.....

Whoa this is tough. It's possible it's alexthymia but I don't know about schizophrenia based on what you've said. There must be other things going on for them to think it's schizophrenia? I don't know enough about schizoid to say much about that but it's possible? You could have aspergers as well as any of the others.

For me I know that I have a tendency to remember really horrible things more than good things and have felt unloved or catastrophised because of misinterpreting family members and friends. I do tend to feel bad things more than good stuff and I guess bad stuff can cloud the good stuff. But never to this level. Did any of your psychs interview family members before diagnosis? Maybe an outside perspective is what's needed - especially when questioning whether you may have been abused.

I really only am able to understand love and affection in an academic way. I do not really have those feelings deep down. I like to be cuddled by my parents, but that is because of the physical sensation, like the type I get from a hug vest. I don't return affection really either.

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Yep. Right there with ya. I'm trying to learn, though.

I can sort of relate to your post but I can't say I never perceived love and affection. I am pretty blind to it tho. It is also darn near impossible for me to return those feelings. I just don't feel those feelings for most people. It makes me feel guilty but I can't help it. I try to show love and affection thru actions even tho I don't feel the feelings.

I now believe it absolutely comes from AS.
Iheard an aspie saying he is blind to people. People look like objects to him like traffic signss and such. I think I'm like that.
When i try to remember my memories childhood or otherwise, i don't even remember people or talks. I just remember places! Like the seaside, the hotel, etc. But not my family, kids i possibly played with etc.
I basically only feel one feeling. Insult. Basically im blind to peoples aaffection annd love because im generally blind to people existense as other human beings in general!
The thing is i know how it should be. My soul knows how it should be. In my dreams (also those at night) I'm emotionally connected to people.
Somehow the INPUTS OF MY SENSES ARE BLOCKED IN REAL LIFE. SINCE EVER

NEWSFLASH!
i read a lot on reactive attachment disorder and it also makes a huge amount of sense.
Still digging for the truth.
Also i figured ouit that my father may have RAD and maybe instead of me having RAD I'm just mimiking/copying his prsonality. Spooky s**t.