Tired of the silent grudge cycle.

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So I have learned today that apparently my voice is loud enough to wake people up, something no one has actually told me, and previously I frequently spoke too quietly to be understood a lot of the time. This is a cycle that veers wildly back and forth but I never seem to be able to find a happy medium - I always sound the same to myself whether I am speaking too quietly or too loudly.

But in this case, it's a matter of apparently people being upset about something and never telling me about it until it can be done in such a way to effectively (socially) throw me under the bus, or until they get angry at me because I never act on their annoyance that they never describe.

So annoying.

I can relate. Often when people have a problem with me, or find something that I do to be annoying, they don't tell me; hence I continue doing it, and eventually they full-out rage at me. It huts, and it would be a lot nicer if people were just openly honest about how they feel instead of lying about it. Yet sadly, no matter how many times I ask people to tell me when I'm annoying them, very few ever do...

I can't tell you how many times I've said exactly the same thing over the years.

They're bottling things up until their pressure valve becomes blown and so things then all come out in a rage. It's hard to tell when they're bottling up and when they're about to blow.

Which makes no sense. They could say something, rather than assume that the annoyance is deliberate or malicious.

Tell whoever it is to chill. Nobody's perfect so I doubt very seriously if they walk on eggshells around others. Why should you be required to do it? Just be yourself. That's good enough.

The problem is probably that they know that if they say something to you, you'll flip out.

In my case, they've never involved grudges, but I was embarrassed anyway. Being told that I was a messy eater is one example that comes to mind.

I thought it was only a British problem.

Too much politeness, until one day it spills out in an uncontrolled attack which nobody gets over.

People seem useless at assertiveness, as if they feel it's too risky to stand up to people....as long as the problem isn't overwhelming, it can be ignored. Everything is glossed over with fake nods and smiles.

You can even ask them if they've got any complaints and they'll say everything's fine.

I don't know what the solution is. I have enough trouble being assertive myself. It should be taught in schools, how to recognise when it's appropriate, the right language to express it in, role-playing sessions in which the student has to stand their ground without alienating people too much.