Yesterday was insane (in a very bad way). I'm scared now.

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Lately I've been writing a bit about me moving into a dorm at university. Well, I moved yesterday and I really need to tell someone about it because I'm quite scared.

I was supposed to move around lunch today but something happened at my dad's job so he and my mum had to drive here with my stuff yesterday night. I had a meltdown when my dad told me they were going to arrive the night before they were supposed to arrive. I hung up the phone, paced the room, threw myself on the floor and rolled around, accidentally punched myself in the face, had tears in my eyes, almost hyperventilated, screamed and hit my head repeatedly.

Since they live about 6 hours away, my parents didn't arrive until 1am. They picked me up and drove to the dorm. When we got here there was a party going on in my corridor. It was incredibly loud and people were dancing and drinking etc. People looked at me weirdly for moving in at 1am and I felt really uncomfortable. The first thing someone here said to me was "let's hope you're a fun person who likes to hang out and party and that you're not one of those boring people don't like being social and only sit in their room. You're not allowed to sit in your room! This is the best corridor. It's the party corridor!". Just a few seconds after that horrible comment (yes, I think it's horrible because I'm one of those "boring people") someone (a complete stranger to me) came up to me and hugged me. I hate when people I don't know touch me. Especially when I'm not prepared for it. I fake-smiled, carried my things to my room, closed the door and went to bed.

I was lying in my bed in foetal position, stimming (wiggled my toes in a certain way which usually calms me down). I was in some sort of shock and I felt physically sick, nauseous. Didn't fall asleep until 4am (the party was still going on by then).

Now I'm in my room and I'm about to clean a bit and unpack things. But I'm scared. Proper scared. I don't like meeting new people and the people here really scared me yesterday. Do I really have to be social all the time? I don't like people that much and I hate parties. I don't want to be here. I feel very small and I feel like crying.

I need you guys to understand and I need you to tell me how to survive this. Seriously.

Oh man, that sucks. I would have reacted like you.

So, party until 4 am can IN NO WAY be allowed in a dorm. Problem is most people don't care.

The dorm I live in has reserved an entire house for people who like it quiet. Maybe yours has something similar. You should ask whoever is responsible about whether there's a quieter place somewhere, and tell them about your problems. Maybe you can move into another room. I suggest that you wait with unpacking your stuff.

Request to be moved to a quiet hall. Use your diagnosis to convince the University to do it, if you must.

That's not really how it works here I'm afraid. I can just move into another room.



I don't have a diagnosis.

I would think that you can request another room without a diagnosis, just by saying what bothers you and what problems you have ?
You have, in terms of how I percieve this, just experienced real life people acting like they do in real life. And you are not coping real life so well, it seems. What those people said is just a random statement, in terms of how I percieve this, people in party mode comes up with. They may be in party mode all the time, but you shouldn't be bothered so much by that ? you shouldn't care about what they think is right, they may just be naive and superficial. You have to be social to interact with people in day-to-day situations, you can't hide from that. I would say that you need to insist, and show the people around you, that you are a quiet person that wants to be alone and not social. It is common that there are people like that in dorms, that's why that person said you "should not be that type". Don't care about them, be social to interact with them, but also be proud and confident in your ways of being. You are just like that, you're wired in that way, and they can't change it. Live your life.

Why shouldn't it work like that? Have you asked? You should, before assuming that it's impossible.

As for the missing diagnosis: You should really, really try to get one eventually, it makes things so much easier.

Even without a diagnosis, all campuses have dorm halls or entire dorms dedicated to studious folks. They're called quiet dorms or quiet halls and there may be a waiting list (I know, not good) but I'd talk to your residential adviser (or whatever they're called these days) to be moved, ASAP. Also, colleges have lots of kids that don't follow rules, they're there to get drunk and party. If that's not your scene it can be difficult but not impossible to overcome.

It sounds like you're in a room by yourself? That could be okay in the long run if you're able to manage there. So what if you're not the party type and want to be quiet, they'll get the idea and people say a lot of crap when they're drunk to rile each other up, so that's the reasoning there-- at 1am they were drunk and saying whatever they wanted.

Ah, I eventually got a room to myself after not getting along with a roommate... I tossed her a pen one day when she asked for it then she ran to the RA saying I threatened to kill her... that was the end of having roommates in college for me. Then I met a guy and went to live with him.

Hi:

Do the dorms not have agreements such as an apartment building? There are noise bylaws, there are rules of conduct - you are a tenant, you have rights and responsibilities, and you are not the only one who does not party. The university is for study. I think you would have back up if you talk to your 'landlord' - and I am pretty sure they can deal with this while protecting your anonymity. You are paying the big bucks for an education - you have a right not to be kept up until 4 a.m. by those who don't give a crap about anyone but themselves. I just want to slap whoever said about 'boring people'. Immaturity and selfishness abound in that group of boneheads.

Do you have a rental agreement to look at? Don't let anyone at school - staff or student - tell you that you have to put up with this crap. There are nightclubs and other venues for partying past a reasonable hour. This is your home and you have a long year ahead of you.

The very best always - LM

vortex, just so sorry for what you've endured - meltdowns are the worst, aren't they?

Next, as the others have astutely written (and hope it's ok to advise here), I sincerely hope you can relocate right away - your special brain is not suited to your current living situation. Please don't be scared, but instead, your 1st priority might be to relocate. It can make a big difference, I promise.

If you can, make arrangements for your own private/quiet living space. You deserve the best space you can get. No need, at all, for you to explain or justify to others why, just find a place for yourself conducive to study. Could you rent a tiny flat for yourself? An idea: Oftentimes a professor/faculty will rent out part of their place (like a refurbished garage or guest house) - this would be ideal for you!

All the best with your studies, which is the most important thing after all.

You basically have to queue for a long time to get a place to live. Especially in this city where there are thousands and thousands of students (there are about 22 000 students at my uni). Over the past couple of weeks I've realised I was lucky to find a place to live. A lot of people in my class (and other students) don't have a place to live in the city so they have to commute or live with relatives etc. So, I can't just relocate. In order for me to move someplace else I need to keep my place in the queue and then I might find someplace else to live in a year or so.

I can't get any help from uni unless I've got an official diagnosis (that goes for all people with psychological and/or neurological issues).

I'm waiting to see if my application to get assessed will get approved or not. I'll know within 2 weeks or so. If it then gets approved I'll need to wait for about 2 years until they'll start the assessment.



Yes, I've got my own room (and my own bathroom).

Sure, the guy who said that thing was a bit drunk but he talked to me again this morning (sober) and basically said the same thing. He said "... you're not allowed to stay in your room though! This is the best corridor and we're social. You should come be social with us." I really don't like people who force other people to do things they don't want to do. I don't understand how most people don't realise not all people like being social and that some people have real problems with social situations.



I don't know how it works to be honest. I hope they won't have those kinds of parties often. It was very difficult falling asleep even though I used earplugs.



Yes, meltdowns are bad. The meltdown I had yesterday was probably the worst meltdown I've ever had due to a change of plans. I've had worse triggered by emotional overload but not by change.

I have such a hard time believing my brain is "special". I would probably agree if I actually had an official AS diagnosis. But right now I might just as well "only" be depressed and/or socially anxious and/or an extreme introvert. Yes, I probably shouldn't worry and overthink it so much, but I do. I hate not knowing and I hate not being able to get proper help because I don't know what's going on inside my head.

By all you've told us so far, Sweden seems like a crappy country for an autist to live in...

And about just being depressed/anxious: If you have meltdowns, you have autism. That's it.

Well I wish you luck, anyway. Hope they're not partying too much. If it happens again, you might just want to go outside somewhere where it's quiet - no matter how late it is. I've discovered that a night entirely without sleep is better than one spent with meltdowns.

Maybe. I might also be wrong, but this is how I've understood it works.

But can't NTs have meltdowns?

I would have reacted the same way.

OK. First of all, I am really sorry this happened. It must have been utterly awful.

Second, the guy that talked to you may actually one day end up being an ally for you. Some people realize, maybe even on a subconscious level, how difficult it can be to move away from home and start college. They feel compelled to "help" everyone fit in. They feel compelled to "help" everyone feel welcome. Often at that age, they are oblivious to the fact that not everyone really has a secret desire to fit in. Some people just want to be left alone. So I guess I would be pleasant to the guy and maybe one day you will be able to tell him how you feel and he might be able to get others to "back off."

Also, move-in times at college tend to be the worst, from my experience. There is a frenzied need to get the partying in, in anticipation for buckling down and being serious when starting school. Usually, it dies down once school has started except for on weekends.

In the States (I don't know about other countries) there are usually places like libraries, cafeterias, etc that are open quite late. If your dorm is noisy, I would stay there as late as you can before going to your room, then I would go straight to your room and close the door. Be friendly to people who approach you in the hallway and ask you to hang out, but just say "maybe another time" or something similar. IMHO, as long as you stay friendly and polite, they will likely remain friendly and polite, albiet maybe too intrusive for your liking. But if you start to get irritable with them, I think it will escalate the situation for you.

I lived in a quiet dorm. I had a friend who lived in a noisy one. Sometimes she would come and stay with me, so it might be possible that you will meet someone with more suitable living arrangements and you will be able to hide out with them on occasion.

Hang in there.

I'm planning on being polite etc. I just don't want them to force me to socialise when I don't want to do so. I don't want to socialise with them. If I want to hang out with people I will hang out with people I actually like.

I've got a hard time saying no to people. If they ask me to come party with them I will say no but I'll be really uncomfortable. Then they will probably ask my why I won't join them and they won't accept my answers. Makes me anxious.

No diangnosis is a problem. Do you have student health services? Tell them you suspect AS or at the least some kind of sensory processing problem, because of how badly loud parties overwhelm you. Get them to corroborate your request for a quieter dorm room. Since it's a very reasonable request--to want to move out of the party dorm and to a place where you can study--it shouldn't be too hard. Maybe you won't even need a diagnosis; just a counselor to write a letter to student housing that says you need a quiet place to sleep and study to keep your stress level down. Parties until 4 a.m. are NOT conducive to learning.

Are there honors dorms, and can you get into them? They are often quieter, because honors students are the ones deliberately taking extra classes because they enjoy learning and/or have high academic goals. They do party, but it tends to be on weekends and involve more coffee, board games, and movie nights than drinking and making out with acquaintances. In some places, there's housing available for older students or families, and if an exception could be made for a younger autistic student, that could be an option (don't expect it to be, but it's worth asking).

How about staying off campus? Can you live on your own well enough to do that? You might need your parents' help to find an apartment.

I've found that most universities are usually rather sympathetic to students who are serious about studying and want a good environment to do it in. They are probably nearly as annoyed as you are by students who drink instead of studying and party instead of sleeping, because these students create chaos for janitorial and campus safety to clean up, and annoy the profs when they manage to crawl into class with a hangover. So if you can make the point that you want peace and quiet so you can sleep and study, hopefully you can find a quieter dorm room somewhere that's less known to be a party dorm.