So, My Sister Insisted That I Attend Her Party...

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A rather small get-together, mind you, but a get-together with strangers (for me) nonetheless. I foolishly agreed, and my wife, kids, and I attended. At first, things were okay. It was just her, her husband, and kids. Now, she told me just a couple of people would be coming, so I thought, what the heck? Maybe I can do this. Well, after about 15 minutes, another couple showed up. Then another guy, followed later by his fiancee, and so on. After a little while, I pulled her aside and said, "Look, I have to go. This is too much." She said, "Come on. You can do this. Let's go play cards." My wife would have been fine with my leaving, as she knows what I go through. My sis, however, is very outgoing and tries to pull me out of my zone. I hate it! I gave in to her and sat down to play cards. Of course, she picked the most difficult game she could, something called Contract Rummy. It's so difficult that you have to have instuctions in front of you to be able to follow. I wasn't processing very well, in addition to being surrounded by loud strangers with whom I have nothing in common. After about three hands, I told her, "We're going now." She called me later and said, "I'm proud of you." My response was basically, "Uh, yeah." She means well, but I can't get it through her head that AS often isn't about "won't," it's about "can't."

Sorry for the rant, but I'm wondering how anyone else here, if they've had to deal with this, does it. I mean, I didn't look up from my cards nearly the entire time which, in my opinion, probably made me look more foolish than if she'd just let me go home. She thinks she can "fix" me, but it ain't happening!

Ive dealt with this before, It was horrible when I was younger my parents would drag me to party's of their friends. they would always want to stay for hours. after I got a car it got a little better because I had an escape route when things got to be too much.

I'm not diagnosed with AS so take this with a grain of salt, but the impression I get from articles, talking to people about it and YouTube vids on the subject is that a lot of non-sufferers think it's something that's curable with a little 'exposure therapy' like generalized anxiety or a phobia. Pretty sad and I'm sorry you had to go through that. A side-note though; are complicated card games something you generally avoid unconditionally? I've basically refused to play any card game since middle school, ha...I always feel like I can't catch on fast enough, get frustrated, and look like a weirdo in the process.

It sounds like kind of what your sister did is blurry between pushing and ambushing, and that's not so cool.

Sometimes getting pushed out of your comfort zone is a good thing. That is where you can make positive strides.

I'm sorry but social anxiety disorder, while often suffered by aspies due to their past experiences, is not connected to ASD and can be surpassed.

Tell your sister that you want to meet for card games on MSN.

That point I agree with. That's a very key distinction, pushing yourself vs. someone else pushing you.

And if it's a friend or family member who's pushing, they need to be very observant of what is enough pushing and then graciously back off (and sounds like you're sister badly missed this!)

I guess this is like dragging a gay guy to straight porn flicks, paying for hookers, or exposing him to every Maxim model in town. Futile.

You need to explain to your sister that Autism spectrum disorders are are neurologically based, thus incurable, permanent, lifelong, disorders. There are some treatments and coping methods that can help lessen the problems caused by the traits of our disorders, but there is no cure or "fix." You need to make this very, very clear to your sister, and you also need to tell her to never ambush you again.--Yes, do use the word, "ambushed", as Aardvark mentioned. Also tell her that if she ambushes you again, then she will be seeing a lot less of you in the future.

You have the right and the need to defend yourself, even from well meaning friends and family members. In this case that would mean minimizing contact, if she refuses to believe your info about spectrum disorders, and continues trying to "fix" you.

I do understand how you feel. My family has been trying to fix me for over 50 years. If it hasn't happened by now, it ain't gonna. Fortunately, I qualified for SSI a few years ago, due to other health issues, and was finally able to afford to live on my own in a run-down old trailer. This trailer beats any other living situations I've been in, because I now live alone. People are the biggest trigger of my meltdowns, emo outbursts, and shutdowns,--especially family members. I have had far fewer such problems since moving here, and my stress levels have been way down most of the time since I made the move, too. My life is also far more peaceful now, too. I never want to live with others again!

Do inform your sister about the non fixability of spectrum disorders, but do be prepared to lessen contact if she refuses to believe the info.

It doesn't have to be strangers for parties and get-togethers to freak me out. I attended a baby shower at work -- I had known all of the two dozen women there at least 3 years -- that I nearly ran screaming out of. And our annual family reunion feels me with dread every year. I'm getting stressed right now just thinking about it, and the party isn't until the last week in October. I've found that carrying a camera around makes me look busy and I'm thus not expected to socialize as much.

Based on your sister's comment "I'm proud of you", it shows that she meant well and that her heart is in the right place. I had a friend tell the same thing to me when I went to a candle sales party at her house. But people who don't have the problem can't understand how traumatic it is to endure a party. The ideas of parties and such being fun is a totally alien concept to me. Not only do I not enjoy parties, I can't understand how anyone ELSE can enjoy them.

You just provided me with some insight about myself!

The same thing happens with my sister in law, she loves to sit around and play super complicated games that I just can't seem to follow. I'm a fairly intelligent person, generally speaking, but for the life of me I cannot follow these games. I hate them, and avoid them at all costs, and now I know why! I guess I just go into "don't look like an idiot" mode, and hyper focus on my actions and lose any ability to pay attention to concentrating on what is actually going on. Of course, this leads to me looking like an idiot in the end because I have to ask a million questions about how to play, after everyone else seems to understand perfectly fine. The other people who are new to the came as well will end up explaining the rules to me, and the whole experience just makes me so anxious and miserable, and I sit there wondering how anyone is having any fun.