Appearing socially competent
Theatre is my main occupation/interest. I act a bit but mostly write now (and when acting, usually get cast as the quirky/weird person.) because I grew up obsessed with it and spent as much time as I could around theatre people who accept weird, I've developed some social skills. Because of theatre, I have social scripts for dayyyys.
My current job involves a lot of these scripts since it helps to be friendly with customers and other employees. It helps that what is expected of me is clearly spelled out, and the social stuff is repetitive (and I can produce a pretty good friendly/cheerful "character" when I need to.)
But just as I was about to consider myself maybe not so autistic after all, I realized that something still had to give. In the two months I've been employed, I've completely stopped socializing even briefly with my friends and family. I skipped Canadian thanksgiving. When I'm not at work, I hole up by myself in my apartment. My friends don't even text me any more.
But people genuinely see me as a friendly, social person because they don't realize that everywhere else in my life I am solitary. Even I feel like I'm living a double life, friendly at work and isolated everywhere else. I don't have the energy to keep up with a social life because work takes it all out of me. But at work, sometimes I enjoy the social aspect.
Autistic people can enjoy social interaction, right? I feel like especially when it's clearly spelled out like at my job.
I guess I'm experiencing some kind of cognitive dissonance because autistic people aren't supposed to be good at socializing. I don't even talk about my diagnosis any more because the last two people I told - One said "interesting" and then we stopped hanging out, and one said "there's no way".
_________________
synesthete, diagnosed with ASD April 4, 2012.
everybody's playing the game
but nobody's rules are the same
nobody's on nobody's side
I can be good at appearing socially competent but internally I'm terrified.
I do enjoy small, quiet social occassions with people I'm comfortable with, but like you I've disconnected with the people I'm most comfortable with and have no idea how to re-connect without seeming like a social parasite.
Yes, I don't know how to reconnect either especially since I'd be fine with just connecting every few weeks - more than that is overwhelming to me, even at the best of times. But other people want more than that and when I can't give it they move on.
I eventually figured out how to sit right on the edge of that overwhelm for work - my last job I lost some respect for calling in sick too often when I was overwhelmed. This job is going reasonably well mostly because I eliminated almost all other social contact.
_________________
synesthete, diagnosed with ASD April 4, 2012.
everybody's playing the game
but nobody's rules are the same
nobody's on nobody's side
This is me, too. To most colleagues I am my friendly 'character'. Sure I'm quiet, but I have scripts and I can appear friendly and engaged for short periods of time. I didn't really think about the implications of my 'character' until somebody at work mentioned my 'friends'. Of course they would assume I have friends and a social life, because that's what normal 22yo girls have. In reality I have neither, work is my socialisation.
Some colleagues I've worked more closely with know that I'm actually quite antisocial; they notice I avoid meetings as much as I can, have a general contempt for customers etc.. A new colleague started this week and she asked me (taken aback) why I wasn't in the staff room on my break. When I said 'I hate the staff room, I just go for a walk and come back.' she thought it was strange I think, especially because I'd been my 'character' with her all day, and that was a glimpse of my real self.