Trying to understand me... apsie or not?

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Hi my name is Will. I'm 30 and married with 4 kids. 2 of my children have recently been diagnosed as being on the spectrum. and I am starting to notice things that i haven't noticed in the past so i'm reaching out for some advice.

I have been married since i graduated high school. but after i entered my 20's i noticed i was alwasy getting in fights with my wife for stuff i had no idea i was doing. it almost seemed like the things i was being accused of happend to someone else in some other time and space. for years i would always get this "you ignore me, you never listen to me, sometimes i think you just don't care, i'm your wife not your mom" etc. and i would get really upset because it always seems like its an attack coming out of no where. like to me it seems like one mild afternoon she just got the urge to accuse me of all sorts of things.

anyways

so add to that the fact that i'm very awkward with our relationships intimate time. i constantly google "how to be romantic" and i'm constantly told it comes off as creepy i try to make eye contact, try to listen, try to prove ui'm not all these things that i constantly am accused of and no matter how hard i try it seems like underneath it all i'm still just will.

so i took that aq test and scored a 35 and read about alot of common traits associated with adult aspergers and i'm pretty sure i'm at the right place. but its very confusing. do i talk to my doctor about this? my kids? my wife? i already had one bad expericene with a mis diagnosis of bi polar wheni talked to a doctor about my feelings last time. i'm afraid no one will believe me and i'll forever be "will the a**hole"

but knowing would i hope clear so many things up for me like why my resume is the size of a small phone book, why i always feel blindsided by others emotions and actions.

if dianosed does it get better? does the world go "ohhh ok"

can anyone help me or give me advice on trying to understand myself and move forward??

Cheers
Will

I would recogmend that you go see an autism specialist to see if you could possibly be on the spectrum. Not just any doctor, cause many doctors with little/no experiance with aspergers/autism are likely to diagnose high functioning aspies as having some psychiatric disorder. Try reading some books on aspergers in adults and people with aspergers in relationships. Depending on your relationship with your wife, you could try talking to her about it and have her educate herself on aspergers and see what she thinks. For her, theres some books out there directed at spouses of an aspie.

thank you!

any suggestions on books? for her or me?

cheers
will

I recommend Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships.

It's a book that's written for women who are married to an Aspie male, but it can also be read by you to help you understand the shortcomings your wife sees in you that you cannot recognize in yourself.

Hi Will, as the wife of 11 years and, unfortunately soon to be ex-wife, of a man with "mild" aspergers, here are my suggestions: Should you talk to your wife? Yes. Tell her what your suspicions are, trust her, and it might help her resent you less when she feels confused or disappointed by something you've said or done. Might help her understand you and have empathy. Just as you feel you are blindsided by her feelings, trust me, she too is blindsided by things you probably do not even realize you do (like being primarily focused on yourself and/or having trouble with putting yourself in the shoes of others?) It might help her quite a bit to adjust her expectations of you.

A great therapist who focuses on aspergers and can help you understand you, and help you work hard to understand others (it will NOT be easy). Does a diagnosis help? well, yes, but you could also be "subclinical" or just have some traits of aspergers, and not have it "enough" to be diagnosed. I would focus on the symptoms/traits you know you have, and work at improving them. What's in a label? You can learn a lot from it, but only pieces of it will apply to you anyway, so focus on your traits.

Couples therapy will help too - there's probably already some damage to the marriage if you are writing this, and if intimacy is lacking. Women: we do not like feeling rejected. we often think it shows your lack of interest in us. That hurts. Be careful with this; it did a ton of damage in my marriage. Does it get better? Only if you are willing to work really hard. Are you? Or are you someone who just wants it to get better without work? Therein lies your answer. Aspergers is not really a medicine thing (though meds can help with focus or anxiety...). It's a learn yourself, and learn yourself as compared to others. Learn HOW and WHEN you do things "differently", then work at changing some of it. Can't change who you are totally, but maybe you find a middle ground you can be comfortable in with those who are important to you.

It's a heck of a lot of work to change how you think/process, and that's what you're looking at. The one single thing I think could have saved my marriage? If my husband were able to admit his shortcomings and talk about them with me and work with me on them (do this, it helps). Instead, he took an "it's all you" attitude. I'd have stayed if I believed he was truly working at being someone who could meet my needs. Learn your wife's needs (not wants, needs). Make them a priority, however you can. Be the guy who does whatever it takes to make it better. That is a ton of work, but that, I believe would get you through this. Good luck.