Opening Up.

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A few weeks ago I felt soo pressureized (I am still fragile) that I knew I needed to try to get help somehow, and the timing was such where the autism service in my area put a link to a drop in centre which is an afternoon once a month.
I went. I didn't know what to expect or what to say etc.

But foe me I had one of the most enormus reliefs I ever have had in my life. I found, for the first time in my life ever, people who understood what I was going through, and though I didn't say a lot in the time I was there, I started to open up.

Now this to me was the largest step forward in my whole life. It doesn't matter what happens now. Yes, I am in need. I have always tried to be independent, but I have to admit that I have never felt so fragile in my life, and I am in need.

Three weeks later and so far nothing. BUT, that one meeting has really helped me because I know that there is someone out there that knows. That knows how I feel and what I am struggling with.

I didn't know before. I just found life in general such a struggle. I assumed I had some sort of untraceable allergy that was the cause to what I now know to be partial shutdowns.

So whatever happens from now on. It is not so important. If I live or die. At least I know someone understands.

(Don't worry. I won't die until the end of my life.... Was just an expression of how I feel).


What are my current struggles? I am fragile. So open to partial shutdowns that it now shows. So I am going out in the car to unwind.

I'm really glad to hear that you've found someone IRL who understands, MG. You're quite right, it makes a huge difference to be able to talk to someone knowing that you won't get any of the negative reactions that you had years of getting despondent about in the past.

Enjoy your car ride! And please don't die before I do - I'd miss you!

I feel like society does not like me sometimes. Ah well. They will just have to put up with me!

Thanks Trogg.

And everyone here. You are all real "Gems".

Before the diagnosis, I used to (half) joke that I'm allergic to life.

I'm glad you found this, there are moments when we just desperately need to be understood.

Thanks. I just assumed that due to having a different upbringing, that that was the reason why I was different. I never would have guessed it could possibly be anything else.

So do you mean you met with other adult autistics?

I'm part of a group on Facebook who has meetings once a month. Lately they've been holding the meetings at a park near the city that I can only get to if I drive. Which would be an hour there and an hour back home. They used to hold the meetings in a community centre in the city that I could easily get to by train. I'm going to complain if they hold it at the park again because I actually want to see the people and I'm missing out.

Sorry that I just took over your thread, MG, I'm just wanting more details about your meeting.

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It was two people I met. One was a man who was ever so accomodating. I can't remember what he said his job title is. The other is a lady who I believe she is a psycologist. I had only heard that term via this site, as a few days earlier, someone had said the word, and I wanted to know what a psycologist looked like. Well. I think I found out. Haha.
My problem is I sometimes do not retain information until a long time after an event. I didn't used to have issues like this, but the more fragile to getting partial shutdowns I am, the more I find I struggle to retain things in my mind. I have the gist of everything. I tend to confuse matters by over compensating and asking for the information to be repeated... But when it is, it can also be confusing for me as I can have a few lots of information.
Over a decade ago before I had quite so many partial shutdowns, I used to need to ask a few times on occasions, but then the information would stick and I had no issues retaining it. I think, if anything, the amount of things life has thrown at me since then has brought any traits I have had to the fore. It could be my masking ability has come down.
It actually came as a bit of a shock joining this site to find out many things I had previously associated with my character and who I am to be autistic traits? I then started to think "If these are traits of autism, then who am I?" What is left of me that is actually me?
I now feel thst where I joined this site thinking I was half between being an NT and on the spectrum... I now struggle to comprehend what an NT actually is.... My mind goes blank trying to think as I have discovered so many autistic traits.
For me this site has been... Well. I have been like a wirlwind sucking up and gathering information. Is like my mind wants more and more and more. Johnny 5 is alive! Hahahaha!