Misunderstandings btwn NTs and ASDs

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I love this facebook page called 'Autism Discussion Page'. The admin is so insightful (he is an NT who works with people with ASDs). I thought I would share this post:

Understanding Social Difficulties in Relating: Relating on two planes: Literal vs. Perspective Taking

Neurotypical (NT) people, when interacting, naturally look for the intent and perspective of the other person, to give meaning to their words. We read between the words to understand the thoughts, feelings, and perspective of others. We are looking at “intent”; why are they saying what they are saying. We frequently read more into what is being said then the literal words. However, people on the spectrum tend to speak very literally (“What I say is what I mean”) with little “inferring”, or reading between the words needed.

For people on the spectrum, if their intent is not clear or obvious, NT people will project (or infer) intent to them. Of course the intent, or perspective, they infer may not be the person’s (ASD) true intent. This gets everyone into trouble, because misunderstandings occur and feelings get hurt or angry. It is a natural tendency for NT people to interpret intention, rather than hear words literally, just like it is more the nature of ASD people to speak and listen to words literally. So much of the problem in socializing with NT people, for people on the spectrum, consist of:

1) People not on the spectrum speak with multiple meanings and intentions, not literal to their words, and also infer the same is being done by the other person. So, they immediately infer certain perspectives and intentions in the person with autism that are not there.

2) People on the spectrum, speak very literally, often meaning exactly what their words are saying. In turn is how they read the language of others; very literally. So, they usually do not understand the hidden meaning between the words (perspective and intention of others).

So, we are speaking on different planes. NT people are speaking on a “perspective” taking plane of interaction, and people on the spectrum are speaking on a “literal” plane. No wonder there is frequent misunderstanding. Now, NT people feel the main disability is that people on the spectrum cannot understand where they are coming from (lack of perspective taking. However, in turn, NT people are also not understanding where ASD people are coming from. They read too much into the intent of people on the spectrum. We have just as much problems reading the thoughts, feelings, and perspectives of those on the spectrum, as they have with us. We are relating on different planes, both often missing the intent of the other.

When talking with adults on the spectrum this issue arises a lot. It is central to them living comfortably with others. You have heard me recommend for children, that parents and teachers use the tool “Do not assume that they understand; clarify and verify meaning.” In order to ensure the other person understands what your mean, “clarify” literally what you mean, and then “verify” that they understand. For children this responsibility is up to the adult. However, as children become older, they have to take on that responsibility, since most people that they run into are not going to understand their disabilities. The same tools that we use to help the child understand, they have to eventually take on themselves if they wish to successfully co-regulate socially as adults.

For adults on the spectrum, I recommend using a "clarify and verify" approach. Always assume that you might be misinterpreting others, or others are misinterpreting you. If you take this position, you are always asking to make sure you got it right, or verifying if the other person perceives you right. Again, assume that others may read more into what you are saying. Take the extra sets to clarify what you mean, and then verify if they understand. When giving a response to a NT person, explain yourself and the reason for your answer. This way you leave nothing to the imagination. If you don't give an explanation for your answer/statement, NT people may assume more meaning to what you say.

NT people usually do not take language literally. So, they will usually read more into what you are saying, trying to understand the "why" behind your words. So, if you give and response, and then clarify it with an explanation "why", it helps us to understand how you think and feel.

NT people are always trying to understand the perspectives and intentions of others. If these are not specifically clarified in your answers, they will guess at what meaning your words have. Remember, words to NT people are not usually interpreted literally, so they are trying to read your intentions to give meaning to the words. So, if possible, give you response, and then clarify and verify that they are interpreting it right. Same goes for now you are interpreting them...clarify and verify.

Autism Discussion Page

On the same topic, a different post:

Clarify and Verify

When relating with people on the spectrum, it is very important that we always “clarify and verify” that they understand what we are talking about. Because our language is vague and filled with subtleties often people on the spectrum are not reading the meaning and intentions behind what you are saying. For those of us who are used to relating with people on the spectrum we know that we have to be very literal; to mean what we say, and say what we mean. However, this is often very hard to remember. Much of relating is making assumptions that people know what we mean. And since many people on the spectrum are bright and have good speech, their communication differences are often very hidden. So, we assume that they understand what we are saying. However, since they have trouble processing nonverbal communication, they have a hard time reading our “thoughts, feelings, intentions and perspectives.”

The same goes for us in reading the “thoughts, feelings and intentions” of those on the spectrum. Since we are used to interpreting these mental states in others, by their nonverbal language, we are used to automatically reading between the lines, and inferring certain meaning and intent in the other person. Now, since people on the spectrum are not good at using nonverbal language, they are not easily understood by people off the spectrum. We often read more into what they are saying, or not saying, by inferring intentions that are not there. Or we misinterpret the intentions behind the often blunt, literal statements of people on the spectrum. So, the misunderstanding goes both way.

To make communication more easier to understand both parties need to get better at “clarifying and verifying” that we understand each other. For parents and teachers working with children we need to get in the habit of “not assuming” understanding and always “clarifying” what we mean, and “verifying” that they understand us. The same goes for understanding them. We need to verify that we understand what they are trying to say, and take what they say very literal, without inferring additional intent that is not there. So, we have to get used to double checking that we both understand each other. If we think that there is hidden meaning in the statement, than we have to clarify and verify it with the child.
I think one of the ways to present the need to clarify, without sounding like you are questioning the validity, is to present how you interpreted what they said and then ask if this is accurate. For example, if you say something like, "I am not sure I understand you correctly. I hear you say ______________. Is that correct?" This is what I call "clarify and verify" communication. First you ask for clarification, and then you verify if you understand it correctly, usually by repeating back what you understand so the person can verify if it is correct.

This is what I teach my staff to do with the children. I tell them not to assume the child understands expectations. Specifically clarify it for them, and then ask them to verify what they understand us to be saying.

Now, as the child becomes a teen and young adult, they have to learn to do the same. They have to empower themselves to take the responsibility of knowing that (1) they have a hard time understanding the true meaning and intentions of others and to always clarify and verify what was said. (2) Also, they have to assume that other people will also misinterpret them, and double check to make sure they understand. Many adults on the spectrum can avoid some of the awkwardness of social miscues by learning to clarify and verify that they understand and the other understands them. They need to learn a few scripts like “Let me see if I understand you right”, or “ I hear you saying ______.” , “ Let me clarify that you understand that _____”, “ If I hear you right you are saying _____”, etc. Get used to clarifying what you are meaning, and verify what you are hearing. This takes away the confusion, and increases understanding, so there is less misinterpretation on both sides.

If you are a parent or teacher, try and build this into your daily interactions with the kids, and if you are a person on the spectrum, try and use this approach to check to make sure everyone understands. Life will be a little easier if we do,

good posts.....I will check out the "autism discussion pages".

All I know is can't stand it when people don't mean what they say; that is, make promises just to hear how it sounds coming out of their mouth. Very irritating.

wow I just noticed I do the clarify verify thing for a few years now.

Yeah that's the issue that my boyfriend brought up a few days ago, something about how I'm always looking for another meaning behind his words...if anything it's usually the other way around. If he means that I ask a lot of questions about what he just said then yeah I do that, only because I like to understand different viewpoints. I don't know, problems with communication have existed in my personal relationships all of my life, it's irritating.

Thanks for sharing! I'm going to have to check out that page...

Excellent post. If only someone had told me this years ago! I had to piece it together myself (like many here, I'm sure) and yes, I've learnt to do the "clarify and verify" thing. But sometimes even that's not enough. An NT will read something extraneous into what I said and then I'll say "no, no, I don't mean that, I literally just mean this" and they still seem to think "no, he can't mean that, he must mean something else".

There's nothing wrong reading between the lines as such, but many people do it at the expense of reading the lines! The other problem is that they seem to make no distinction in their minds between information they were explicitly told and information they inferred when the latter is obviously much less reliable.

This. It pisses me off when people do that. Just because they don't say what they mean doesn't mean I don't!

This hit me like a thunderbolt. I never realized that other people thought this way...to such an extent that it is typical of NT people. This is the key to so many misunderstandings I've had over the years, and I'm not even diagnosed with autism. To think this is actually typical of people, widespread, instead of just a being a bad habit...is so depressing and frustrating. What hope is there for interpersonal communication? Most people will not want to take the time to get used to a different way of communicating.

Starkid... you pretty much just said what I had planned on saying. I never really realized this before. I didn't even realize I was listening to conversations in a different way from other people, but this all makes sense. It explains so many aggravating discussions I've had where people insisted I couldn't mean what I said I meant. It explains why an old boss was always suspicious when I conversed with her (to the point that she eventually fired me after a misunderstanding.) It explains why my brother and I got into a huge argument just a few weeks ago when all I did was ask a waitress to bring me something she had forgotten about.

Unfortunately, not everyone is willing to answer clarifying questions. The old boss got angry at me whenever I asked them (she thought I was stupid because I seemed to ask so many) My brother is too hot-headed to accept that we misunderstood each other, and preferred to jump to a conclusion about my intention. A lot of people are plain-old impatient. I'm not officially diagnosed, and if a person's the type that's not willing to answer a simple question here and there, I highly doubt that they're the type to take me seriously if I say I have Asperger's without a professional's verification.

My point is, of course, that not everyone is a kind teacher or parent, willing to assist with clarifying questions. What do we do when we encounter these people? How are we supposed to get along with them? My current strategy is to just avoid them, but when they're your boss or your family, that route is unavailable.

These posts...wow So thorough and accurate! I have half a mind to 'like' that page on Facebook!! ! Thank you for sharing

So... are you saying NTs never say what they mean or take what's said to them at face value? I mean, I got that they often didn't (and sometimes I don't myself, though it isn't the norm for me) but it sounds like you mean never.

Sure, try to "verify and confirm" with the CEO of the company that makes your survival in this world possible and see where it gets to.

I can't stand advice that's almost never possible to implement except in an ideal world.

We need advice to survive in a human jungle, not in a mother's womb.

Perhaps you could do the Clarify and Verify with someone else who has also had the same message/instructions, etc from the CEO? I would rather do that then get in trouble for misunderstanding and hence doing the wrong thing. Depends on the person, too - there may be some people in authority who don't mind getting a chance to talk a bit longer about their idea

And no, it isn't a perfect solution. But it is a start. It can be very useful information and advice if you share it with someone who knows about your AS and does want to help you with it. We don't only interact with CEOs in our lives (thank goodness ).

In sustained/protected employment, perhaps. In the UK, probably. In free-will employment with this economy, it's a laugh. Try to slow down your boss on a regular basis, show you're slow to get it and then tell me how it went. The less words you show you need to understand instructions, the more valued you are as an employee.

And yes, some of us only have contact that counts with people when we can't avoid it, i.e. at work, for survival.