Understanding Asperger's

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Hello,

I was recently diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome. I was diagnosed with ADHD ever since I was a kid, but the Asperger's diagnosis is a recent thing (I am 29 years old.)

This diagnosis came as a shock to me as I never considered myself on the spectrum. I have recently immersed myself in research related to Asperger's, but I have decided that it is too difficult to come to any conclusions about myself based on what I have read. I can learn the symptoms through medical books and websites, but I still fail to understand AS itself.

I am not sure I agree with the diagnosis. Though I seem to tick most of the boxes of symptoms, there are two major ones that I don't think apply to me. And these two are pretty big, IMO.

1. Empathy: Now I am not saying that AS people aren't empathetic. I'm saying that it is harder for people with Asperger's, as far as I understand it, to express empathy in what is considered a "normal" way. I do have trouble expressing my feelings sometimes and have been called cold and without feeling when the exact opposite is true. For example, when my mother told me that my uncle died, I felt really bad about it, but I just said, "Oh." She got mad at me and said that I didn't care when I did. But I was feeling a bit awkward because I wasn't sure how to react to the situation. However, when I watch TV or read the news, I get teary eyed when something really bad happens, especially to children. I feel awful when someone tells me anything bad and sometimes I express this sentiment well and sometimes I don't. I felt I could come here and explain these things to other diagnosed and undiagnosed AS people to see if I am misinterpreting the symptoms and that others feel the same.

2. Interpretation of social situations: I'm not a huge fan of social situations, but I don't like being on my own all the time either. So I do like going out with people and talking to people and I make eye contact (something I taught myself to do when I got to college.) I can often tell when people are bored with what I'm saying (though I don't always care) and I know how what I say could be taken and I usually get the whole conversation thing right without many difficulties. I would call myself socially awkward, but I would never have thought myself to have Asperger's.

Now, this is not meant to be offensive to anyone. This is just me trying to understand this diagnosis as it pertains to me. Anyone can read symptoms and think, "Yes, that's me." or "No way." However, I thought I would come to a community where other people might have gone through the same thing and what conclusions they have reached. Can anyone help me understand what is going on?

Interesting, this is the first time I read someone diagnosed with AS who doesn't feel it's 100% him...

When I first read the symptoms of NLD I thought someone had spied on me all my life and written about me on the internet calling it instead of my name, NLD. This is how perfectly I feel it describes me.

Hello, AlreadyAgain, and welcome to WrongPlanet.

As I was diagnosed with autism at an early age, and practically grew up with it, I'm not certain if I'm the right one to answer. However, I can tell you, also basing this on what I've read from other posters here on WP, that it's understandable you don't recognise yourself in the two symptoms you mention, at least in the way they're described by the experts on the net and in the books.

Especially Asperger syndrome is often characterised by an inability, and not so much an unwillingness, to understand certain social conventions. This may be key in your situation as well, I think. The symptom of 'lack of empathy' is not quite as severe as it sounds, in many cases. It's more of a 'relative' lack of empathy than an 'absolute' lack of empathy. Being emotionally moved by the predicaments of others is perfectly normal for someone with AS, the main problem lies in -as you've described already in your post- properly expressing it.

As for the socialising, again, there are many people with AS who, while generally speaking not keen on looking for big crowds to mingle in, do wish to meet people, approach them, and either strike up conversation or establish some kind of relationship. The difficulty lies in the execution.

You should also remember that not all symptoms of an autistic disorder will be present in equal intensity in a person. I, for example, have autistic disorder, but I have next to no problem in the department of processing sensory input (sounds, smells, light, etc.). However, nearly all other symptoms are quite clearly present, although I've learned to compensate for most of them.
In your case, I would say, IF you have Asperger syndrome, then empathy and socialising appear to be your relative strong suits when compared to the average autistic. That also means that those two become issues of lesser concern when you address whichever problems you do have with your Asperger's.

I can relate to the empathy issue you described, I am quite sensitive but do not appear to display emotion very much, hence being seen as 'cold' like you describe, when this is not the case. I sometimes think there is a delay between the emotion and my perception of it, where as other people are more or less instantly reactive, or so it seems. Empathy issues would also cover theory of mind, determining the emotions/face expressions of others and focusing on your own thoughts instead of others when people are conversing. As I understand it people with AS have sympathy and caring for others, but there might be issues with detection of emotions of others or displaying emotions.

I also relate to some of the social things that you describe, in that I enjoy the right kind of social contact, although eye contact still makes me uncomfortable and a lot of the time I feel like I am following a well-prepared script or (badly) mimicking another person's social persona. I also find social contacts can be exhausting, and need time away to myself; of course there is a difference between that and just not being very social, i'm not sure how socialising is for you in that regard. I don't enjoy gossip or mainstream culture and have certain interests which most do not share which means most socialising is pretty boring to me, so in certain circumstances I would not wish to be social anyway. However as you describe I would not wish to be alone 100% of the time; I just have a need for protected solitude time.

However, I don't know if anyone here can answer your question for you. It would be worth getting a second professional opinion if you don't think it is the right diagnosis. It is of course a spectrum and people will always have different strengths and weaknesses, as well as the ability to develop and learn strategies.

well i believe that i might have AS, but kinda like you i like to go out with my friends and have a laugh. i even like parties, although generally speaking after a while i like to go outside or something for a few minutes for some peace and quiet. i can make eye contact, something i also taught myself, yet i feel uncomfortable with it.
I have empathy as well. i care very much about the people around me, but i dont show it. like you, i dont do well with emotion per say. i dont express them or show them correctly.

What i think you need to remember is that AS is a spectrum disorder. this can mean that even within AS, some people have it worse than others. you may simply have a mild case of it, on the low end of the spectrum (like my friends think i am)

Also remember what you read isn't necessarily true. this whole "no empathy" thing is for SOCIOPATHS not necessarily people with AS.

Well AS is not only about social awkwardness.. do you have sensory issues, are you sensitive to noise or light? Do you have little to no body language? Do you have a special interest?

To be honest, for me it sounds like you might have been misdiagnosed... I think it is very unusual to be "surprised" by an AS diagnosis, all Aspies I talked to so far knew pretty much their entire life that something about them was different.

I have taught myself to make eye contact. The key here is that NTs do not have to teach themselves to do this; they do it naturally.

From reading a lot of posts by a lot of different aspies and auties it is clear to me there are many divergent ways we empathize or fail to empathize. We empathize differently than NTs.

I felt great sadness when my grandparents died. The pain and grief was overwhelming.

When I was a child I once watched a small boy killed by a car and saw the firemen put him into a body bag. I felt no empathy then. It was like watching a movie. I wondered about that and felt guilty like what is wrong with me. But other times I see people suffering and feel great empathy. Maybe it was because the boy died instantly and did not suffer and it was shocking to see. It is confusing to me because I cannot explain why I sometimes have it and sometimes do not. I rarely shed tears for anything but I have occasionally cried during a movie.

Pompei, I have had something similar happen to me as well. The difference is, if I hear about that kind of thing on the news I get emotional. But if I see it in real life, I don't feel anything. I also don't tend to get very teary for movies. To me, it seems that they're often trying to hard to invoke emotional reaction and it has the opposite effect on me.

You say you have ADHD. Am I correct in thinking there's a lot of overlap between AS & ADHD?