Opinion and/or advice please!

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Hello again,

I need your opinion on a few things. I hope that's okay.

1. I'm studying at university and I'm moving in to a dorm pretty soon (the thought of that freaks me out a bit by the way). I was checking out my room for the first time yesterday and when I was in the kitchen I saw a note on the fridge. It said that there will be a dorm party on Saturday next weekend. It also said "attendance: compulsory." So, my first question is: the party isn't really compulsory, is it?

I really don't like parties. Especially not a party with people I've never met before. So I thought maybe I could create some sort of "survival kit" containing edible things (things that I don't need to store in the fridge or freezer), earplugs and things I'd need to survive in my room while there's a party going on in the dorm. But then I thought about bullies. Do you reckon people would start bullying me and/or being mean to me if I don't attend parties? I really don't feel like getting bullied again.

2. I've been studying at university for a couple of weeks now and I honestly think it's really difficult. I took a few years off between high school and uni so I guess I'm not really used to studying. The thing is, I feel really stupid. I know I'm quite intelligent but I can't focus on what the teacher/professor/lecturer is saying. People in my class seem to understand things perfectly well and they seem to have no problems focusing but I frequently find myself lost in thought or observing other people etc. I also find it difficult to learn things I'm not really interested in. It's tough because I can already notice I'm a bit behind on the coursework (or whatever it's called). That makes me feel stupid and discouraged. I hate feeling stupid. I don't understand why it's so difficult focusing. Any advice?

Thank you.

1. I live in a dorm too.
Nobody can force you to go to a party. If you really don't want to go, don't. I almost never meet anyone here and if I do I just say "hi" and continue. I guess some might think me a bit "strange" or unfriendly but I never got bullied in any way. I don't know if that would be different where you live, but well, just don't go to the party, and if someone asks you why you can always say "I wasn't there, I had an appointment".

2. That sounds like ADHD. You might want to get that checked professionally. I have the same.

I *suspect* it's humour, rather than compulsory. Either that or the person that wrote the note is a total a**hole.

Make sure the university knows about your problems focusing - they probably have ways to help as you won't be the first person with AS to work through the door.

But I'll probably be in my room the whole night so I can't really say "I wasn't there" if someone asks me about it. I could probably say "I needed to study" because I do need to study since I'm already a bit behind.

About the ADHD thing. I'm not sure I have other ADHD problems. I've got a hard time focusing in class and I'm pretty much a chronic procrastinator (not always, but very often). But I don't really know if I've got any other ADHD issues (not completely sure what they are though).



Yeah, one can get help with things like that at university. But in order for me to get help I'd need a diagnosis. I don't have an AS diagnosis either (waiting to get assessed). So basically I can't get help right now. Makes me a bit panicky to be honest. I didn't realise uni was going to be high school all over again when it comes to focusing etc.

But nobody will now that you're in your room... or do you share it with someone?

About ADHD: You don't have to have all of the issues. You could take an online test, I like this one: http://www.oneaddplace.com/add-test.php

Try anyway You clearly have the problem - diagnosis or not. If the university has any sense they'll want to help you.

Well, according to that test I have "a strong tendency towards ADD". I'm sceptical towards online tests though. All I want is an assessment for neurological disorders but the queue is so incredibly long it might take another 2 years until I'll get one.

Where do you live, if I may ask? Because I never head of queues that long.

I live in Sweden. I could get an assessment much quicker but then I'd have to pay for it myself, which I can't afford.

That sucks Maybe you should apply for one anyway and wait, better late than not at all.

I have. I'll know if my application gets approved or not within 2-3 weeks or so. And then I'll have to wait. It sucks because my life's a mess. It has been for many years and it's only getting worse.

In both situations I'd personally be inclined to be honest about my ASD and just tell people straight: "I don't like parties" or "I'm finding this really difficult."

Attendance to the party won't actually be compulsory, it just means the organisers don't want people to try and chicken out of coming. Most people will probably go along a bit reluctantly and have a good time, but if you really don't want to go you don't have to. Why not just say to the people you live with that you're thankful for the offer, but you really don't get on well in situations like that (maybe explain why, if you want to) but that you'd like to get to know them some other way, maybe 1 to 1 or in a different setting, whatever you're comfortable with. Nobody's going to have a problem with that, however if you just don't show up, lock yourself in your room with earplugs in, they're going to think you're rude/weird.

Universities should have some sort of student support where you can access help if you're struggling. Just be honest about everything - that's the only way you'll get help.

Not having an AS diagnosis is not necessarily going to prevent you from receiving support while you wait. It does obviously depend on where you are, but I'd suggest you approach the disability services at your Uni .... I know that where I work if a student who suspects they have a disability approaches a disability adviser they will aim to put support in place to help that student and/or suggest strategies that you yourself can put into place. Obviously there will be some things they can't put into place without a diagnosis, but it is certainly worth talking to someone about what help is available.

With your lack of focus and missing things in lectures, for example, you might want to try recording the lectures so that you can review the bits you missed later on. You'll need permission to record lectures. You could receive notes in advance of lectures so you have background before you get there which might make it easier to focus as you'll have some familiarity with the subject - disability service/academic department can organise this for you. Then there's the possibility of additional study skills support ... you've been out of academics for a while so it's natural that your study skills might be rusty and that you lack confidence in them - the university may well have a study skills tutor available that you can meet with. Where I work this is available to all students who want it (though most students firmly believe they don't need it).

Also remember ... just because it appears that others are understanding things perfectly well etc it doesn't mean they are. You are probably not the only one feeling out of your depth a bit.

having a place to retreat to is a good idea. I personally think you should try to be there at least for 30 minutes you never know if you might enjoy yourself give it a chance.

I have no opinions. I was just like that on university and I totally failed it. There didn't seem to be any help for these kind of problems. Maybe something concerning ASD/ADD issues could do some. I retracted to my own room, did not think of other people around me and that was best. Eventually I got my own appartment. I would say getting something done with this fast, whatever it is, is a good advice, though. There is a big chance you won't progress, like what happened to me. That is all

Edit:Since this is just in my street I could also add that you won't get bullied. They will respect you for wanting to be alone, and I couldn't imagine they would be mean to you. Maybe just a bit too eager and social, but don't misunderstand that as something mean. If they don't respect your privacy, make them. That is all.

I'm 52 so I'm not into the current scene, however, as a teen, I discovered I wasn't one for parties either. I don't like to drink or take drugs and that seems to be the main reason for partying.

I still don't like to socialize much. People my age are the same as ever with the liquor, so we've all just accepted that I'm different. It's ok to be different. Your college peers need to learn that sooner or later if they haven't already.

However, that said, you might go to the party to make an appearance so people you'll be living with will know your face and be able to place you in their building. There might be some pertinent announcements made early on that you don't want to miss. You can slip out after 15 or 20 minutes saying you need to visit the restroom. Who knows? You might make some important, new friends. You're not the first and only person to feel uncomfortable at parties. Reach out and find your kindred spirits and create your own group activities.

When I was younger, I knew I was different and wanted to crawl into a hole so badly, but then again, I didn't want to miss any excitement. Life is so short and you can't go back. So, I developed a kind of game where it's like I've taped my eyelids open and will take what comes no matter what. Nothing bizarre; I use this for regular things, but often something as simple as going for milk at the grocery store seems an impossible task. I play my game, turning it into a Xena-like adventure, and get through.