I think I am?

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Joined: 11 Sep 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 1

12 Sep 2012, 8:09 am

Hi everyone.

I just found this forum. I'm not sure how to start this. Hmm. Well I suppose the main thing is that I've always been a little odd but I figured that was due to me being me. I think most people acknowledge I'm a bit odd. But something someone said recently made me look up female Aspergers symptoms. And I'm shocked at how well it describes me. My family is surprised at how well it describes me. I think this is coming off sounding very casual, but I'm not meaning it to. In the past five years, I've identified with anxiety and OCD traits. But I think Aspergers explains my inflexibility and...stuntedness? Did anyone else feel relieved when hearing the symptoms of Aspergers? (I read another thread where someone was criticised for 'hoping' it was Aspergers, but as others said, it's more a matter of finding something that explains me).

Can anyone provide their thoughts?

People just don't seem to understand (or listen to?) my thoughts. I'm not looking for an excuse for anything I do. But I'm looking to find a reason why people seem to disregard my feelings about things because things aren't a big deal to them? And I'd like to know why I do the things I do. Am I choosing my thoughts and behaviours or can they be explained? I wouldn't want it to be well-known, but it might help explain things to some people.

I'm in my mid20s and I have no doubt that if ADD or Aspergers had been around when I was younger, I would've been one or both. People always tell me I'm so smart, but I have absolutely no common sense (I can't take compliments, so I suppose I'm lucky it's followed by that!). I can't follow verbal directions, I can't read maps, I don't like change - I suppose all very generic vague things that could be displayed by anyone.

I figure that since I'm no good at identifying parts of my personality while thinking myself, I'll go through what I'd answered for the Aspie-quiz (RDOS) - I had a score of 160 of 200 (NT 36). Not sure how reliable that one is?

I can go a full day totally absorbed in what I'm doing and forgetting to eat or do anything else because I'm more interested in what I'm doing. I can notice patterns in anything. I do feel the need to correct people when they're wrong, but I've learnt to hold it in because the consequences can be too draining.

Verbal instructions? If I can't write them down, I'll forget them. Pretty bad shortterm memory too, unless I'm concentrating a lot. When I'm listening to something, I need to be constantly doing something. If I'm doing something I like doing and it's interrupted, I'm not very tolerant and I usually can't get back to it at all. If I'm doing something I want to be doing, it can take quite a bit to distract me. Otherwise, I can be distracted by a misaligned page in a book or a piece of tape on a wall.

I have my routines. It throws me completely if I can't have them. I have seats and computers that I like to use and my whole groove can be thrown off if I don't have those. I remember that if I'm in a restaurant and get placed in a seat that I don't like (or one that is in the middle of the restaurant where other people can see me eat), I'll have a mini-meltdown and I've never understood why. I'm easily frustrated when things don't go the way I planned. I am constantly writing and rewriting lists. I probably spend longer on lists than on the tasks themselves. I'll order them in priority, but if they change in order the next day, I'll have to do another list. I feel like I need these otherwise I won't know what I have to do. I'll always play things out in my mind - I'll try every perspective, so I'll have a response to everything.

I'm much more 'straight' in my morals than other people my age. I could never understand why people thought things like American Pie were funny. I just thought they were gross. I've never quite fit with other people - I can become more comfortable with people when I've been around then for a long time, but it takes me quite a while. I've never been in a relationship and have no desire to be in one. I would not describe myself as independent for many things that I should be. I don't have close friends in real life. I'm much happier to talk to people online. I dislike eye contact - it feels awkward - I never know when to look and when to look away - I always feel like I'm staring if I look at someone in the eye when they're talking to me. It really bothered me the other day when I had someone enforcing eye-to-eye conversation when I wasn't looking her in the eye in the conversation.

My eating habits have always been criticised. I thought I was quite normal. I'm the usual no-foods-touching kind of person. I have a bit of paranoia about eating meat and eggs. I had food poisoning almost two years ago now from someone who undercooked either meat or eggs and I haven't actually recovered from it. Even now, I'm constantly asking people if the meat is cooked. Repeatedly. This bothers them because it makes them think I don't trust their cooking. I'll sit there and deconstruct and break up a Big Mac to ensure that the meat is cooked. Chicken is a big deal for me. Oh...also, major debilitating fear of throwing up.

I've never had a great relationship with sleep. When I was younger, I'd clap and sing to keep myself awake. I was top of the class, but would argue with teachers about what we were learning.

Can't do small talk. I avoid the hairdresser for these reasons. I avoid making phone calls. I will write out a total script for phone calls. I will also write out a script when we go around the class in tutorials and have to say something each because I will blank when it's my turn. At the end of the day, I'm drained. I don't like people touching me. Group assignments stress me out because people aren't going to do it the right way (my way). I can't do anything properly when someone is watching me. There are incredibly few people that I will not actively avoid if I see them at the mall because I don't want to have to smile and wave.

I've had people comment on my facial expressions, my hand wringing, rocking, fidgeting, pacing (although, I would have thought that this was just a characteristic rather than a diagnostic element). I do talk to myself without realising. I hold grudges and won't look at people I don't like.

I'll always stand back to see what other people are doing in a situation before I do the same. I read that's more common in female Aspies. I can't go first doing something because I don't know what's expected. I'm very honest - I've learnt to not say everything. I've learnt that if I assume something needs to be done, that could be incredibly wrong, so I very rarely take any initiative. I think of plenty of things, but don't act on them.

I can be 'hypnotised' by things. Anything could be happening around me, but I'm solely focused on a piece of string flapping from an air conditioning vent or a beeping truck. I've always been much more affected by sunlight and strobe lighting than anyone else. I'll be squinting and no one else will even be bothered by the sun. I can hear and identify things that other people can't really hear and can't identify.

I love forms. But not when I'm put on the spot. I could happily spend hours filling out forms, but if I'm handed an unexpected one at the doctors I have to check over it many times in case I've done something wrong.

I'm uncoordinated. I trip over myself, chairs, table legs etc. I have never been able to follow dance instructors or anything in school. Buttons and safety pins break me. Learning to drive was difficult - I really struggled with side mirrors, speed, distance etc. Driving to unfamiliar places is out of the question.

When I'm too stressed, I feel like I mentally shut down and like I'm kind of 'distant'. Too many people or events in a day and I'll have mentally checked out and will be on autopilot.

I feel like maybe listing them like this looks like I'm highlighting things for a diagnosis, but I just found that the most logical way to do it. I wouldn't think to attribute all of those things to Aspergers, but they were on the quiz and I can see I had a higher score for those, so included them. Otherwise I may not describe myself particularly well...I guess I'm not so great on the introspection .

(Sorry it's so long - I think I wanted to be thorough )