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thomas81
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12 Sep 2012, 6:36 pm

Do anyone else here have a knack of unintentionally offending people? Either verbally or otherwise?

It makes it harder for me to mantain friendships.



OCD_Angel
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12 Sep 2012, 6:47 pm

Of course. I get told a lot that something I said or typed is rude and that always shocks me.



daydreamer84
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12 Sep 2012, 6:54 pm

Yes this is a big problem for me....I think it's usually verbal in my case.......I talk way too much.



Rorberyllium
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12 Sep 2012, 7:02 pm

It's something I'm very self-conscious about. I wish people would be more forward with me.



eric76
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12 Sep 2012, 7:15 pm

I frequently offend people in person or on-line.

I've been on one mailing list for several years. Yesterday I received an e-mail from the moderators about me insulting people on the list on a certain topic. I've read through everything I sent on that topic time and time again and can't find anything that I would consider to be insulting. I really believe that the "insult" the moderator was talking about is simply for having the nerve to disagree with someone else about what they said.

I did insult someone else recently on a whole different topic, but he really deserved it. According to him, men think with their gray matter while women think with their white matter. If that were really the case, all women would have the responsiveness of Terry Schiavo right before they turned off her life support. The nitwit who said that really deserved the insult.

What is funny is that I did a Google search for the words he used and found that he had copied them more or less verbatim from some other nitwit. He can't even be a nitwit on his own nitwiticisms, he has to portray the crazy statements of other nitwits as his own as well.

I'm now on moderation on that list. Before the night is over, I suspect that I'll just drop that list entirely. I have very little tolerance for censorship. I don't censor others for their ideas and I expect the same from them in return.



Bunnynose
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12 Sep 2012, 8:06 pm

Yup.



cathylynn
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12 Sep 2012, 8:20 pm

i have lost friends without ever knowing why. i know i offended them, but exactly what i did, i'll never know.



Ca2MgFe5Si8O22OH2
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12 Sep 2012, 9:14 pm

I do this constantly. it's almost always because I gave my opinion about ethics. I've never been told that I was insensitive about things like people's weight or their emotional problems, but I know a large number of people have thought I'm a total dick about the way I talk about politics and philosophy.

I try to tone it down, but when its something I feel strongly about and that I don't hear anyone else speaking up about I feel morally obligated and end up offending people. I've definitely cried and lost sleep about the results and I don't know how to stop without completely abandoning my principles.


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Jaden
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16 Sep 2012, 9:30 pm

This happens to me all the time, although honestly I think it's just their imaginations. The way I see it in his people are always going to cause a fuss over stupid crap, best to just ignore the unimportant stuff.
People are always going to misunderstand other people, especially those with AS because most people with AS either have no filter, or have social issues to begin with, which people tend to misinterpret as being rude when in reality that's not the case at all.



LordExiron
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16 Sep 2012, 11:32 pm

I do. It's my observation that people are conceited enough to think everything I say or do is about them, and that I couldn't possibly be making a statement of fact or behaving in a certain way for my own pleasure, rather than out of malice towards them.



Callista
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16 Sep 2012, 11:38 pm

Yes, unfortunately. Most of my acquaintances/friends have gotten the "If I'm being annoying, I'm probably oblivious to it, so tell me and I'll stop" speech. They tend to inform me, at least eventually. Ironically, their desire to spare my feelings often causes problems because they're afraid of speaking up about me being offensive or annoying, and I keep doing it without realizing. Sure, I'll be embarrassed when they tell me; but I'm much more embarrassed to find out I've been doing something annoying for ages and nobody told me.

I've been told I am "socially aware" by someone who knows I'm autistic. I guess that means that I know I have social deficits, and carefully work to circumvent them when I communicate. That kind of thing can go a long way--just knowing that you have to make sure you're communicating properly, that people are getting from you what you mean to say and not something else. If you don't know there's a problem, you're much worse off.


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JitakuKeibiinB
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17 Sep 2012, 12:11 am

I don't know. How do you tell? I probably do, but people rarely say anything about it.

A few months ago a "friend" who I hadn't seen for three years (I moved without saying anything) contacted me via email. After ~15 emails over a few days he stopped sending anything. I read back through the emails and noticed that I hadn't referred to him a single time. I had only talked about myself, my interests, and pointed out factual inaccuracies in what he said, while he asked me about myself. I think I may have accidentally offended him. :lol: Oh well, I didn't like him anyway. :P

I can't really maintain a conversation with most people for more than a minute (except when infodumping), so I think they may be offended by my "curtness".



Mirror21
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17 Sep 2012, 5:26 am

thomas81 wrote:
Do anyone else here have a knack of unintentionally offending people? Either verbally or otherwise?

It makes it harder for me to mantain friendships.


Yeap. All the time. I try to explain to my friends I never do this sort of thing with the intention to be offensive or a problem. Last night I was told back "You are always playing teh victim. You do stupid things that you choose then act surpriced when we get pissed off."

My reaction: O,O . . . .

Their reaction: now why are you so closed off and nonchalant?

Me: O,O . . . I am not closed up

them: You never act like you feel anything

me: but I do!

Them: but you don't show it!

Me: Okay, if i cry i am being dramatic, if I try to talk about it I am arguing if i stay quiet I am nonchalant? W . .TF

Them: NVM you don't get it

Me . . . I DON'T GET IT

Them: don't act obtuse

Me . . okay . . w/e



Jaden
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17 Sep 2012, 1:52 pm

Mirror21 wrote:
thomas81 wrote:
Do anyone else here have a knack of unintentionally offending people? Either verbally or otherwise?

It makes it harder for me to mantain friendships.


Yeap. All the time. I try to explain to my friends I never do this sort of thing with the intention to be offensive or a problem. Last night I was told back "You are always playing teh victim. You do stupid things that you choose then act surpriced when we get pissed off."

My reaction: O,O . . . .

Their reaction: now why are you so closed off and nonchalant?

Me: O,O . . . I am not closed up

them: You never act like you feel anything

me: but I do!

Them: but you don't show it!

Me: Okay, if i cry i am being dramatic, if I try to talk about it I am arguing if i stay quiet I am nonchalant? W . .TF

Them: NVM you don't get it

Me . . . I DON'T GET IT

Them: don't act obtuse

Me . . okay . . w/e


Exactly! I run into this all the time, it drives me crazy! From my perspective, people that say that are just trying to start arguments because of the fact that there isn't already one going on. With me, it's always through the internet, when I type something, people always put whatever "sound" or "intent" they think it has, on it, then they try to say that I have a problem when I don't, and they end up making a huge deal out of it as if the whole mess is my fault. Then when I tell them that's not the case and it's them who have the problem (quite obviously because they're the ones that put the intent in what I said), they get all p***ed off and call me names and insult me.
Then people wonder why I don't bother interacting with other people (how hilarious could my life get? ... not)
It just finally got to the point where I stopped talking to people that do that, mostly stopped talking to people in general because that whole mess is never going to change, it's less of a headache (literally) if I just don't bother.



Multiplex
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17 Sep 2012, 3:30 pm

Hi,

it's now 10 months ago, that I have the suspicion to be an Aspie. I had just lost a job within the probation period, after only three weeks! Before, I was working almost six years for an American company. (You need to know that I am German and this board was recommended to me a few days ago). In this company I had several small conflicts, but nothing serious. Only my boss in Brussels was getting pissed off several times but I thought this was because he had to cancel my position anyway.

So I started working in a charcoal factory. Can be that it is the biggest one in Europe. I see their bags in most of the supermarkets. I was told to get introduced by a lady who was pregnant by her prior boss. This was already strange. But that stupid person didn't have any interest to show me her work because she was obviosly afraid not to get back in the job when she comes back. She didn't stand up and kept on sitting and gave me very little input. I couldn't go on with the month end closing, it ended up in a two days delay and the General Manager and the interim Finance Manager told me that my behaviour is unaccaptable! For me it was clear that this strange woman wasn't doing what she was told to. But they told me, she is not a b***h, I wasn't simply able to commuicate with her! WTF?

Unfortunately I kept unemployed for 5 months. This April I started working for an English company with a plant in Germany as Financial controller, the same as in the charcoal factory. My predecessor was still in. He was supposed to introduce me for two months, but after 3 weeks he got sick and didn't come back. I was alone with two assistants. When I wanted to talk to them, they turned their heads away and left me with the impression that they don't have time actually. But at the same time they complained about me at the General Manager!
They complained about me that I don't have communication with them! But if I tried, they never wanted to hear anything. Any question was misunderstood as mistrust or a wish to change anything. Or simply that I considered them a bit stupid. It seems it's difficult for me to ask something without letting the other feel offended. I have to be very careful but at the same that lets me appear weak. Other persons are able to be much louder and they never appear to perceive someone dumb! But I never have this power!

Even I was aware of my Asperger characteristics, it wasn't useful at all. I don't have any advantage knowing that I'm an Aspie because anything I do offends people. There are people entering a room and the sun is rising up. When I enter a room, than people get irritated after a certain time. Not from the beginning, but I am never an entertainer who makes people happy. After a few weeks they know that I am not what they expected from me.

These two assistants started to kick me out. They don't accept me at all, and one of them even refused to enter a simple booking list because she understood it wrong. A discussion was impossible, she only started to shout and closed her ears. They don't say Good Morning anymore and don't invite me when they celebrate a birthday.

For me it's sure: I cannot work as a boss anymore. In that charcoal factory there were also two ladies and one of them was always looking so strange to me as if she wanted to say: "What do you want from me?"

It's strange because in another job I was working for four years as Head of Controlling and had 3 men to lead. There was never an issue. The job was boring but no-one complained about me. But now I am sure: Either I had much luck the last 10 years or I have never been a good leader. Now I am looking for a job as a specialist in controlling. No more irritations with people who are not able to differ facts from feelings and/or charisma of a speaker.

Last Saturday I went for first time to a "self-help-group". It was so helpful to hear that I am not alone with my problems. Even I think that I am not the worst person concerned. There are others who don't even get a job. In that aspect I obviously had luck because it all could have been gone much worse from the beginning. Now I have at least experience and self-confidence. But for being a leader, that's over now. I am waiting to be fired. And if they don't do: As soon as I got a new contract, I will run away and don't cry a single tear. There are other issues who make it easy for me to giving up this job. But this would be to much stuff to tell at once.

Multiplex