Refusing to do a favor

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My landlord lives outside the city, he owes someone some money and wants me to pay the guy, he'll then send me a cheque by mail. It's a bit of a lot of money, and I don't want to pay the guy from my bank account, so I said "I'm sorry but I'm not able to help on this issue". I always help him in everything I can.

From experience, I know I lack the NT empathy to intuitively know how to say NO to someone without offending them, so what do I do if he insists and/or is offended??

Where I am from we just do everything by homebanking. So the suggestion you mention sounds very odd/dodgy to me!
It is never vise to be involved in other peoples money transactions.

Tell him that you do not have the luquid assets at the moment. The money you have in the bank is basically spent already. Offer to send them a check if he will give you the cash and let you deposit it in your bank first, or after the check he gives you clears.

If it's less than or near the amount of your rent, you could offer to send it instead of paying rent for that month. If you agree to do this, have him give you the receipt for the rent payment before you send the check or at the same time, or send you a noterized statement explaining the agreement, and you keep a copy of the cancelled check and also give him a copy.

If you would rather not do it, just tell him that you can't. If he keeps asking why tell him your money is tied up right now and with your budget the way it is, it's a very precarious balance and you don't want to write any more checks than needed. You actually don't have to explan anything to him about it, but if he keeps asking you should say "I'm not discussing my personal finances with you, but suffice it to say that I would do this for you if I could, but I can't."

Thing is NTs know the right intonation when saying "I'm sorry but I can't" to make other NTs understand that the real reason is: "I refuse to be in the middle of a money transaction that doesn't concern me". I know however hard I try, I'll end up sounding either aggressive (so he'll be offended) or submissive (so he'll try to intimidate me into paying).

How much money are we talking? More than your monthly rent? Is it an option to actually do it and just not pay your landlord any rent for x number of months? If not what OliveOilMom suggested is what I would go with. Insist that if you were able to then you would, of course, help him out but you are literally financially unable to do it; you simply do not have the funds. Is there any reason why the landlord can't bank transfer the money? Is it actually financial concerns which cause you to not want to be involved in this or do you suspect or worry that this might be related to some sort of illicit/criminal activity? Either way O.O.Mom's financial excuse is the way to go.

You mentioned tone of voice too. While overall phone conversations are NOT fun for me there is one thing about them which makes it better than face to face which is that if I am in a negative mood state and the person on the phone can tell this from my tone of voice then it is more easily explained away. Just a little comment like "Sorry if I sound strange/angry/tired but I am just really tired/just had an argument with x/just ran up the stairs with my groceries". You can kinda take your tone of voice out of the equation and have them focus more on the content of your words by dismissing it with some excuse - unless they are an especially perceptive person they're not gonna be able to make the distinction over the phone between the emotional state you claim to be experiencing vs. the actual state e.g. sounding aggressive or submissive like you want to avoid. I hope this doesn't sound patronising coming from someone 20 years your junior and I realise you may have already figured out this strategy yourself but on the off chance I thought I would mention it. I also realise that some aspies are not gonna be able to lie with that kind of ease; personally when it comes to trivial lies over the phone to somebody I don't know I can manage it. Especially when it is a lie to a person who is trying to manipulate or use the leverage of their social standing against me like Moondust's landlord may or may not be doing.

That's very good advice.

They is a guy in a nearby town who owns some apartments. One of his tenants, a woman, would have sex with him on a regular basis instead of rent. And she didn't get receipts (I'm not sure what the receipt would say). After she quit doing that and wanted to go back to paying regular rent, he demanded she pay the rent for all those months where she had sex with him instead of paying rent. She had no receipts to prove that everything was up to date and ended up being evicted.

I read somewhere that when people try to bully you into doing what they want you to do, you just keep repeating "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to do that," instead of giving reasons or excuses why you won't do it. Otherwise, if you give excuses, they'll try to reason with you and show you that your excuses are invalid.

So I offer up that technique in case your landlord gets pushy. What he wants you to do sounds extremely shady to me. And unfortunately, if he has something shady up his sleeve (like not planning to actually pay you back, or something), he's probably going to be offended no matter how politely you turn him down. Just do your best. I think the others here have good advice.

Yeah.....be careful. You seem like a kind person who always tries to help people....but there are a lot of people who'll take advantage of that or try (users). This sounds sketchy to me too. Protect yourself and don't give what you cannot afford to.

Last edited by daydreamer84 on 20 Sep 2012, 11:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah, it sounds like this guy might be trying to take advantage of your good nature. Even if he intends to pay you back, he might think he can take more time paying you back than he could someone else. I don't see why he can't just send a check by mail himself.

This sounds like good advice. He should know that what he wants you to do is an inappropriate favor.

I think you handled the situation rather well. Requests can generally be divided into three categories. Reasonable, reasonable but unfeasible, and unreasonable.

People who make unreasonable requests tend to do so for one of three reasons.
1. They misjudged the request as reasonable because they misjudged the relationship with the person they were making the request of.

2. They did not understand the burden their request carried.

3. They are the type of person who will exploit another individual as much as the other individual allows them to.

In either case, if the request is unreasonable do not hesitate to say no. In most instances, they should have known better than to ask. Also do not hesitate to say no if it's reasonable but unfeasible for you. If you do do someone a favor it should be on your terms entirely, and if they don't like that, then don't do them the favor. If a person makes an unreasonable request and is upset or offended that you declined, then that is their problem that they will have to deal with on their own, not yours.

Your landlord wants to use your money? That is completely inappropriate and unprofessional! Doesn't matter if its $5 or $1000. This has to be one of the most scummiest things I've heard a landlord do.

Who cares if he gets offended? Set your foot down and say, "No! Absolutely not!" You're 100% in the right.

Turn and run.

I agree, good acvice. Thanks

I think "I don't have enough money" is a decent enough excuse.

I think you're wise to keep out of it. Lending money to friends, let alone people you don't know really well, is always difficult.

whatever u feel is right

The money amounts to 20% of the rent for 1 month. It's a repair job that affects the building, not the apt. He has a million ways to pay the repair guy, but he's chosen to inconvenience ME because it's the easiest option for him.