What do you consider smalltalk?

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What do you consider smalltalk and why is this so hard for many aspies to engage in?

I'd describe it as the sort of talk where the participants don't really seem to care about the information being exchanged and are just talking because talk is expected or something (superficial questions about someone's family, comments about the weather, vague updates about mutual acquaintances and similar). I don't know about most aspies, but I find it difficult for two reasons:

1. The actual purpose seems to be some social thing I don't understand fully. My best guess is that people are trying to show one another they are friendly and normal. I don't know how this is done or why, and besides, I am neither friendly nor normal so it means faking something, which makes me uncomfortable.

2. When I have a conversation it is because I'm interested in the topic. My tendency is to want to talk about the topic in-depth, and a shallow conversation where the topic really doesn't matter is irritating. It seems like anything that might actually be interesting to discuss is actively avoided.

My smalltalk normally consists of telling a joke. I always have a joke to tell. Sometimes whoever I'm talking to will tell me about something else, but I like it best when they tell a joke in return. After that, it's time for me to go.

When I was younger, I couldn't tell a joke good enough to make anyone laugh. It took years of practice to finally get to where I can usually get a good laugh from telling a joke. I don't remember how old I was when the jokes finally started working for me, but it was in the last 15 years or so and I'm 58 now.

That's true. I worked it through with my quite cooperative NT sister and she says yes, it's lies and it's mostly meant to create a certain atmosphere of niceness so that people believe there's no hostility -- which isn't necessarily true, but she also says it's like a reflex to smile and get into small talk.

They are into it from the moment they were born, and they learn all that stuff like joint attention etc. as naturally as breathing. I know that even my best attempts were lousy and awkward bungling. Furthermore, i don't see why i would want to waste my time and energy with such a stupid bs.

Small talk doesn't make any sense and i guess it isn't meant to make sense.

Nonperson, I have to say that lately, especially the past week, I've been having some problems with this. I started a new job, so now I also have new coworkers, and have mostly been working with one coworker in particular who is also instructing me of sorts.
So during the breaks we sit together and talk... and it's mostly talk about stuff like you mention: the weather, stuff about family, little mundane things about shopping/groceries, and also complaining about the current state of society (from education to public transportation, etc.)

I don't know how long I can bear it. I don't mean to sound horrible, but before, when I'd talk to a coworker I'd get along with, we would talk about things like... I dunno, history, art, politics, sometimes linguistics... Or I'd talk about Indonesian cuisine with my Filipina coworkers. But this... Seriously, every day it's about how much it sucks that it's raining again. Which I totally disagree with because I happen to like the rain and cooler temperatures. But the reason I'm trying to keep the rapport between me and my coworkers alive is, that I completely isolated myself from my coworkers on my previous three jobs, and they didn't take that very well, to use an understatement. I think it actually went to the detriment of my reception among my coworkers, so I'm trying something different now. But it's SO HARD to get along with someone when there's no actual connection.
The whole 'small talk' thing is for the birds. I'm with you completely when you say you're confused as to the purpose of small talk. It's just meaningless chatter that serves to avoid a potentially awkward silence. I don't like expending my energy on saying superficial things or thinking of things to say, racking my brain in doing so. When I talk to someone, I want it to have substance.

It's frustrating to see how easy other people get along with each other just by having these conversations-of-nothing, while I get nowhere with my apparently weird ideas about my preferred mode of conversation.

hows the weather mate? = small talk
hows the girlfriend? = small talk
What did you do on the weekend? = small talk

Do you think that ancient sumarians had advanced technology and they actually pioneered the human race?

= Aspie talk!

i consider conversations about sub atomic particles to be small talk.

I honestly miss the days when I used to work in the book repair shop, and the question "What did you do on the weekend?" was answered by half the people working there with something like "Went to a museum", "Went to a stage performance", "Went camping in a rural area".

Lol i would always reply ''not much'' because i really cant be bothered answering small talk which made people think i didnt like them ha but really i just didnt feel it was worth the time

small talk i guess is unnecessary talk. if some one remarks/asks "it is nice weather today isn't it [?]", they are simply stating the obvious or asking for confirmation as to their suspicions, they try to fish for a response from me by saying their opinion that "it is a nice day" in a way that requires either an affirmation or denial from me, and i really could not care less.

do they doubt that it is a nice day and wait for my confirmation that it is a nice day ?
what if i say "no it is not a nice day" ?. would they disagree with me even though i am absolutely sure it is not a nice day?
i do not care if they disagree with me, but they seem to care if i disagree with them.

i can not work out why it is important for me to pay attention to things i am not interested in, and until i solve that riddle, i will remain deaf to banter and chatter.

that is just one example that lies on the foundations shared by many other examples.

That pretty much sums up exactly how I feel. :p

Last edited by Drebi on 20 Sep 2012, 3:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Small talk I can do- Talking about mutual acquaintances, work, weather, etc.

Small talk I can't do- sports, current pop culture

Talk I prefer: Politics, economics, history, technical stuff, science, religion

"Hey what's up?"
"Oh nothing, I am just enjoying the breeze out here, what about you?"
"Same"


"How's the weather?"
"Ugh it's so nasty outside, I want sunshine, how is the weather?"
"Same, I also hate rain and walking in it."

Stuff like that.


Also the interesting is we can all do small talk but we may not realize we are doing it. I see aspies talk in my groups all the time and that may be considered small talk. I think it just depends on the topic.

Small talk is like formal courting. It is used by NT's to get over the initial fear of rejection in social settings. Meaningless non-threatening talk gets them used to each others' voices, bodily presence, and place in the room. If you want to get along with them, you should develop and practice various kinds of small talk until you can make them feel comfortable with you. This does require studying them or getting someone NT to help you. After a time, if you appear to be sweet and kind, they may open up to more substantial topics.
The big caution for us is going too deep (in their eyes) too fast. Everything has to be painfully gradual. It may take multiple small talk sessions before they feel comfortable enough to really talk.
None of this comes easily. I am 68 years old and have only gotten good at this in the last ten years because of much help from my wonderful NT wife who knows me and loves me the way I am.
I have never been comfortable in these gatherings, but now I am at least not upsetting the NTs so much that my wife gets embarrassed. I have also met a few people with whom I can have real conversations. In some respects the pain is worth it.

For me, small talk is conversation where establishing or maintaining a rapport is more important than exchanging information, or being strictly truthful and accurate.

I have derailed any number of conversations by expressing my actual opinions on a subject, even when the other person has clearly expressed an opposite opinion as well as a personal stake in said opinion. Usually because I didn't realize that person had the ego investment in said opinion, regardless of whether objective facts backed it up.

Shining example: I've probably offended a young lady when she and I had a chat about various things, and came to the subject of dogs and dog breeding. I'm of the opinion that intentionally extending the existence of a thinking species [1] in a specific kind of lifestyle, for the aesthetic benefits of another species (humans), in a way that would not be sustainable without that other species (humans again), isn't particularly ethical, and isn't anything but selfishness on the part of humans in this case.

Obviously I didn't spell it out this way, but it probably became clear as we spoke that I felt this way. There were a number of places in conversation where I stated as gently as I could that I disagree. Meanwhile it wasn't clear to me why she started to change tone during the conversation. I had to figure out later that she was starting to feel defensive, and made her feel like her opinions were not okay, even though I didn't mean to attack her.

[1] Yeah, I happen to think almost all mammals over a certain size are capable of thinking, retain memory, etc.

freeform non-structured talk that frequently jumps between a variety of topics.

I cannot speak for anyone else, but for myself, I just... can't talk like that. My brain doesn't jump around between subjects on the fly like that, and it has no interest (or understanding) whatsoever in the physical body language byplay that seems to be more important in a small talk conversation than the actual words spoken. I understand this concept about as well as I understand how, say, pigeons go about their social interactions. It's alien to me.