Should I or shouldnt I tell my son he has autism?

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My son is 9 yrs old and was diagnosed with mild autism/Apergers. He has his quirks like flapping his arms (ive asked him why he does it and he tells me because he likes it...I said okay flap away:) and only wanting to talk about what he wants to talk about sometimes (he has gotten a lot better with this). Hes a really bright kid and is very receptive. He gets some special education services (a couple hours a week), he has friends at school and is pretty social. His special education services are geared more towards helping him out with test's and writing because he does not do well under pressure and he tends to lose focus. He has come such a long way it makes me want to cry! I am def a proud mama!

I was pretty dead set on not telling him about his diagnosis hoping that if he continues to do so well I wouldn't even have to tell him. As he gets older I wonder if its the right thing to do. I did however decide that if ever asked why he was different I would tell him.

I want to know what parents and people living with autism think. When would be a good time to tell him if I do tell him? I know every situation is different but hopefully knowing how others handled it might help us out.

Thanks in advance

My parents didn't know, but if they had, I would have liked to have been told. I was well aware of how different I was and my difficulties, and it would have been nice to have an explanation besides "Lazy, stupid and just plain weird".

I think you are on the right track for telling him when he asks. If he ever struggles he will need to know, so that he can adapt accordingly. For myself, I wish I learned of it when I was about 18 and started University.

^^exactly^^

By all accounts, your son is doing real well for now. However, I remember growing up, having no idea why I couldn't fit in or why I was different. It was probably when I was about your son's age that I began to really understand just how different I was from people around me. I started trying to figure it out, and with no better ideas, I blamed myself. I started believing what they said. I started believing that I was weird, a loser, pathetic, etc. I only learned about Asperger's in the last year and a half or so, and I know it would have been great to figure it out sooner.

I'm not saying that things will get worse for your son - he may continue to function quite well (in fact, I hope he does). However, he's going to begin (and quite probably already has) to develop some consciousness of being different from the people around him. He's going to start trying to understand those differences, and he may never come to you asking about them - I know I never asked anyone, because I didn't want to talk about how I was weird, a loner, an outcast, etc. Of course, his explanations may not be negative, they could be quite positive.

Present it not as a terrible thing - just as a part of who he is. It's not something that has to hold him back, however it is something that will allow him to understand why he is who he is. It allows him, when he sees he is different, to understand why and to accept those differences. It's just my opinion, but I think any potential drawbacks are worth avoiding the risks that come with him trying to figure it out for himself.

Tell him!! If you're autistic--even slightly autistic--you're going to get labeled, no matter what you do. And the label "autistic" is a helpful one. It tells you why you're different, that other people have the same problems, and that you're okay the way you are.

If you don't know you're autistic, you tend to label yourself "lazy", "stupid", "badly behaved", etc. And you can't address your problems very effectively, because you don't know how to define them. That's what happened to me, and it's a large part of the burnout, depression, and two mental ward hospitalizations I had to go through before I got a proper diagnosis and some help.

Learning about my own autism has helped me to a great degree, but I'm far behind in what I need to know. My mom knew about it when I was eleven. If she had told me, I could have learned those things. But she didn't, because I was "so smart". The teen years hit me hard, and I wasn't ready for adulthood. I was lucky to survive.

If you hide his autism from him, he'll get the idea that it's a shameful thing--something that ought to be hidden. But it's not. It's a part of him. He has the right to know. It's information he needs to have about himself. You don't have to drown him in jargon, but you do have to tell him; and sooner rather than later. If he needs special ed now, he may need it in college, and once he's grown he won't have you to advocate for him. He needs to learn how to advocate for himself, including arranging services if he needs them. If he doesn't need them, he needs the self-knowledge that he can use to understand his own learning style and the way his mind works best. He will always be different, because autism makes you different at a fundamental level. He may not always be disabled (plenty of children "lose" their diagnosis), but his different learning style is something he should know about and learn how to work with. Knowing how you think and learn best can make the difference between plodding along at a mediocre level and being able to polish the strengths where you truly shine.

I know a lot of people think that telling somebody they have autism is tantamount to insulting them; that disability means you are not as valuable, that you can't do as much, that you're not allowed to do things for yourself or be yourself; that you've got to sit around and wait for a magic cure instead of living your life and following your dreams as you are. But all of that stuff is changing. Disabled people are speaking up about their own experiences and viewpoints; we're making a world where everybody can contribute, and nobody gets pushed to the side because of a disability. We're sick of disability being considered foreign and scary--in reality, it's a normal part of the human experience. Your boy is twenty years younger than me. I'm already seeing a lot of change, a lot more acceptance than my parents' generation had. By the time he's my age, we'll have made even more progress. Don't be afraid to tell him. He deserves to know--it may, one day, even be a source of pride and identity to him. It is for me. "Disabled" is, for me, a neutral term, something that's part of my life, that gives me a unique perspective. It's not something to hide or be ashamed of. That's something my generation is just learning. As time goes on, it may be something that's simply taken as self-evident.

Tell him. He knows he is different. It helps to know there is a reason why you are different.

Listen to Callista.

Yes this will affect his life, forever, he HAS a right to know.

If he's not asking, it doesn't necessarily mean he isn't wondering about it. It could be that he doesn't know the words to ask, or thinks you don't know anything about it, or thinks he's not supposed to ask.

I would say open with 'do you think you're different from other kids?' If he says no, he doesn't need to know (though if you present it the right way, it won't hurt). If he says yes, you need to tell him. If you don't open the conversation, he might not ask.

Tell him.

In my opinion, it is wrong not to tell him.

I'm glad that before I started college, my dad told me his grandpa and mom were alcholics and he was afraid to drink because he really got serious cravings when he was in college-I experienced the same cravings to drink so I abstain from drinking much. I'm glad he told me he gets anxiety attacks, I do too. I'm glad I know that my grandfather died of a heart attack at 44 from highblood pressure.
^All good information to know even if it's hard to bear.

I'm sorry that this is hard for you to decide upon and I can't imagine that this is easy. I know a sizeable amount of college students with aspergers. There are many shortcomings of having aspergers.

I hope ANY child can know and work on their weak points and play their strengths well (that means tell him).

I grew up with some horrible labels (like freak, weirdo) and they leave a permanent mark on the way you think as an adult. In school I had some behavioural problems, and problems doing schoolwork despite "obviously" being able. I was bullied by other kids (which teachers seemed to collude with) and often in trouble for cheekiness, laziness or not understanding instructions. I wish that I had a diagnosis at that time and that my parents and the school had understood more. Children are the most cruel organisms on the Earth.

However, if a child can get by without the label - and is not suffering from bullying and exclusion - then not using the label might mean the child is more included in activities. If a label is misused to excuse (rather than explain) a behaviour, then it can separate the child from peers.

It is a really hard call to make. If your child is obviously on the spectrum, then you are really talking about WHEN to tell and how long you can hold off the inevitable.

I was diagnosed with minimal brain dysfunction (popular diagnosis in the 80's, kind of reminds of both asperger and add) when I was 4-5. My parents told me the diagnosis straight away. It helped me understand why I'm different, but the whole communication about the thing was very negative. Like "you can't do this or that because of your MBD". I'd suggest you'd tell your son about his diagnosis, but keep it positive. Like "your brain is extra special. That means some things (insert thing which is hard for him) is a bit harder, while you're super good at (insert special interest). It would be pretty boring if everyone was alike, wouldn't it?"

Your son is getting some support for his autism. Many here didn't and were criticised for behaviour they couldn't control.

Instead of telling him ask him if everything is going ok with him. Kids aren't making him feel insecure. Stuff like that.

If he is told he will either accept it and be happy he knows what is different about him or it can make him insecure, or he may be in denial and not want to be labelled.

I've met a lot of kids who were diagnosed, told of their diagnosis, in support and they hated knowing what they had. They overcame enough symptoms to barely seem to be autistic, so they felt weighed down in special ed and patronised by their doctors and teachers.

I think waiting until he asks or becomes stressed out or starts having real issues. As long as he doesn't find out until he is 26 after a life of being told to try harder, being called lazy, or stupid, or rude he should be fine.

And I'm one of those people who went through my whole childhood and teenage years being not only undiagnosed but told by others that I was stupid and didn't have much of a future. Still, if I was told I'd probably reject the label, especially if I was 13.

Tell him deff tell him!

Yes, you need to tell him, ESPECIALLY before he turns 12. That's the age which life became pure hell for me and almost every Aspie male I've talked to and if I had known I probably wouldn't have been bullied half as much. for some bizarre reason bullying someone with a labelled disabled is a big no no in school. Some seem to think that as long as he isn't being bullied or excluded there are no issues but rest assured I felt almost suicidal before my parents truly found out how bad my situation was. After all, I was told again and again that being bullied is all part of life.

Of course, it bears mentioning that ASPERGERS IS NOT A DISEASE! There's nothing wrong with me and the only reason I was 'disabled' in school was because of sadistic, intolerant $@$@%!$ who delighted in causing pain and suffering and can't accept someone from who they are. Who's the one with the real problem?