How do you tell someone they are a bully?

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sufi
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01 Oct 2012, 3:23 pm

A woman 40 years old. She does not listen to advice, always gets her way, and people are scared of her. When she is nice she is spectacular person but when someone does not play by her rules or irritates her she lashes out. Everyone calls her a b***h and she is ok with that. But her behavior is beyond b***h and into bully.
I doubt anything can really make her see this in herself but I thought I would ask in case the brilliant people here have had this experience.


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jonny23
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01 Oct 2012, 3:47 pm

At 40? Seems unlikely that anything you do is gonna change her. She may just be nice sometimes because she's being manipulative. I find these people are best avoided.



Buttoneater
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01 Oct 2012, 4:09 pm

Call her a c*** instead. See if she considers that to be as empowering as b**** apparently is. Just bully her back, it's easy when you don't respect someone. At least it's easy for me, but looking like a 6'2" Alan Moore probably makes people react differently to me than they would to most people in a confrontation. If this is somebody from work you'll probably be fired for this, but as long as it's not work or school, calling people c***s is totally ok. I mean, you can't be arrested for it.

edit: Nobody has bullied me since I started looking scary, so I'm just throwing ideas out there.



jonny23
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01 Oct 2012, 4:20 pm

Buttoneater wrote:
edit: Nobody has bullied me since I started looking scary, so I'm just throwing ideas out there.


It's interesting how many adult males here have mentioned that they look scary now. I've become the same way, my wife says it's to make me unapproachable. Probably true because I like people to stay at a distance.



jonny23
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01 Oct 2012, 4:31 pm

Buttoneater wrote:
Call her a c*** instead. See if she considers that to be as empowering as b**** apparently is. Just bully her back, it's easy when you don't respect someone. At least it's easy for me, but looking like a 6'2" Alan Moore probably makes people react differently to me than they would to most people in a confrontation. If this is somebody from work you'll probably be fired for this, but as long as it's not work or school, calling people c***s is totally ok. I mean, you can't be arrested for it.

edit: Nobody has bullied me since I started looking scary, so I'm just throwing ideas out there.


Just so you know if you provoke someone and they attack you you can't claim self defense. Plus calling someone names seems kind of wrong to me no matter who they are.



sufi
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01 Oct 2012, 4:38 pm

I am really not a name caller, It is not something I would do. However, I am working on learning how not to let her push my buttons. It is seeing her bully other people at work that is unpleasant to witness.


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jonny23
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01 Oct 2012, 4:42 pm

sufi wrote:
I am really not a name caller, It is not something I would do. However, I am working on learning how not to let her push my buttons. It is seeing her bully other people at work that is unpleasant to witness.


I'm usually impervious to bullies these days but it does get me fired up to see them pick on someone else. :evil:



onks
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01 Oct 2012, 4:43 pm

sufi wrote:
A woman 40 years old. She does not listen to advice, always gets her way, and people are scared of her. When she is nice she is spectacular person but when someone does not play by her rules or irritates her she lashes out. Everyone calls her a b***h and she is ok with that. But her behavior is beyond b***h and into bully.
I doubt anything can really make her see this in herself but I thought I would ask in case the brilliant people here have had this experience.


Maybe you shouldnt try that??
She could be narcissistic. And then you'll have a problem

If you like her though? Do you think it could be a problem for you to tell her?
You know her better to evaluate that risk



sufi
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01 Oct 2012, 6:50 pm

Oh, she is defiantly narcissistic. Fancy car, clothes, dog. I get the feeling even if God sat down and talked with her, she would blow up at him, he would bring the wrath down upon her and they would both walk away pissed off and shaking their heads.


I guess I just answered my own question. People rarely respond well to criticize and it's worst when trying to point out negative behavior; be it alcohol, drugs, bullying, jealousy, greed--- no matter, all the same.


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Matt62
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01 Oct 2012, 7:00 pm

OK, one thing you should not EVER do, if you have to work with this person is use the "C" word. Believe me, its the only name that universally causes woment to go ballist, scratch that, NUCLEAR. You would probably get fired! (IME, sadly. Happened during a melt-down. Kissed my Life's work goodbye that day.).
You can go ahead & tell her she is a bully. That is what I would do. Unlikely to change her, though..

Sincerely,
Matthew



sufi
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01 Oct 2012, 7:21 pm

Right on Mathew, thanks


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emimeni
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01 Oct 2012, 7:26 pm

Matt62 wrote:
OK, one thing you should not EVER do, if you have to work with this person is use the "C" word. Believe me, its the only name that universally causes woment to go ballist, scratch that, NUCLEAR. You would probably get fired! (IME, sadly. Happened during a melt-down. Kissed my Life's work goodbye that day.).
You can go ahead & tell her she is a bully. That is what I would do. Unlikely to change her, though..

Sincerely,
Matthew


Or a bi***, for the matter. Name-calling is bullying.


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01 Oct 2012, 11:13 pm

I've found the best way to confound a frustrated nobody is to not give them them audience they crave


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Ettina
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02 Oct 2012, 8:10 am

Don't tell her she's a bully. Tell people who have the power to impose sanctions on her, such as your boss if she's a coworker. Or if she ever gets physical with you, you could tell her that that constitutes assault and you could press charges.



jonny23
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02 Oct 2012, 8:18 am

Ettina wrote:
Don't tell her she's a bully. Tell people who have the power to impose sanctions on her, such as your boss if she's a coworker. Or if she ever gets physical with you, you could tell her that that constitutes assault and you could press charges.


That's the way it supposed to work but I can tell you from experience that bullies are often also suck ups and the "higher ups" just think you're being a whiny baby. I wouldn't go to anyone without some real clear cut evidence.



Callista
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02 Oct 2012, 9:49 am

Does she respect anybody? Could you talk to that person?


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