I've been told I got to toughen up a bit

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My friend told me that I have to toughen up a bit, and I found that quite harsh. Not only she meant it as in assertiveness, but also physical-wise aswell. I get sensitive to the cold, and I'm prone to having cold feet and hands, and so she thinks I must wear less layers in the winter so I can become immune to the cold. Personally I don't think that will work like that. I do function better in the heat, and I think it's just the way I am, not how strong or weak I am.

Also she wants me to be more assertive. I should do what she does: look at people in the eye and firmly say, ''no, I don't want to.'' I can see her point, but I find that very hard to do. I don't like to cause a scene, I fear conflict, and I can't help being a passive type of person. Not only people with AS find it hard to be assertive, passiveness also runs in my family, on my mum's side. We are all afraid of upsetting people, and I think I have caught the trait aswell. So looking at someone in the eye and saying ''no, I don't want to'' isn't as easy as it sounds. In fact, I have actually responded like that to people in the past, and then I got bullied for it, so although not everyone is going to be like that, it still sets me back.

To top it all off, she says I should be more confident and not care of what others think of me. How would you deal with this situation? I'm not saying she's a bad friend, but when she gets into this lecturing mood, she can be pretty overpowering, and tries to turn me into something I'm not.

Doesn't even sound easy if you ask me...



Tell her thanks for the advice, you appreciate that she cares and wants the best for you but can she drop it now please because you're simply not that person however much you might want to be and you find her going on about it rather stressful and frustrating.

(of course, being me, I could never actually say that to someone but it's what I would want to say .... I might write it in an email though)

Start right up with her -- tell her you give a flying f**k on her idiotic suggestions and she might either take you as you are or leave you alone.

Why the heck would you want to get cold feet? There are socks and shoes, and it's downright idiotic to shiver.

Well said! Tell her "No, I don't want to".

Sounds like you've learned this meekness from your family, this confusion you have that if someone makes a scene, it's because YOU caused them to. If someone makes a scene, it's because THEY caused the scene by choosing to make a scene and then carrying it out.

Your friend wants you to start assertiveness school from grade 10 instead of beginner's grade, that's why her advice is not helpful. It's as if you wanted to learn Chinese and she said "ok, so write an essay in Chinese now".

A word of caution: don't try her approach to sensitivity to cold. It's probably dangerous, you could catch pneumony or something.

She doesn't seem to understand sensory issues of the spectrum, as many neurotypical people don't.

Besides, layers are a smart way in winter!

Yes, we can learn assertiveness skills and confidence skills, but it's medium step by medium step, not all at once.

And it's about engagement, not conformity. And many neurotypical persons don't seem to understand that either.

Yeah, my mom used to tell me or imply I need to toughen up (be less sensitive). She's also told me to grow up at least once. <shrug> I have toughened up. I don't care as much about what she says as I used to.

Practice on her. I think she would actually be happy for you if you looked her in the eye and firmly said, "no, I don't want to." I predict she will say something like "now you're getting it!" (or whatever the UK equivalent of that saying is). Since she is taking you in hand as a "project", practice being assertive with her. With her, you will be able to learn to do it without fear or anger because you will already know that she wants you to do it. She won't cause a scene like you are scared of, so long as you can do it to her firmly but not with angry swearing. She may even encourage you to keep saying it to her as practice so you get comfortable with it.

Same thing happened with me and my family. My father decided I was the "passive" one because I was't punching holes in the walls and playing mailbox baseball like my older, "aggresive" sociopath brother did. I had to spend my life being the one who was always at fault for sh*t, no matter what the situation, and I had to accept it and take the abuse. My dad re-wrote our childhood, claiming it was my fault that I cried too much because I was "too sensitive", ignoring the fact that my brother oftentimes played on my sensitivities and made me upset. Insane . . .

The question in my mind is... Do you want to do as she suggests...

Almost all of these responses are predicated on the same thing... SHe said you should do this... they say you should respond this way...

If you WANT to be more like an NT? The ability to blend can be an invaluable one. If you want to be more like an NT, you need a neurotypical guide to help you navigate those waters...

But if that is not your goal... then be you...

Frankly... she seems like she is trying to help. NTs don't say the offensive things they do intentionally... they are doing the best they can and simply lack a frame of reference...

I have learned to be more assertive (and probably still need to learn some more). There is a difference between being assertive and making a scene or causing conflict, you know right?