trouble being assertive

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I wonder if this is something normal for someone with AS but I often have a hard time being assertive.

It isn't so much that I have a hard time just simply being assertive i.e. telling people to stop this, or don't talk to me like that, i'm pretty good with that but my issue is knowing what side to take sometimes which something wrong is going on. For example their are curtain family issues that directly effect curtain family members and my relationship with my girlfriend. This involves situations where I sometimes feel im forced to have to involve my self in order to rectify the situation. However I get really nervous because I'm not sure who's side to take and I'm often clueless on discerning the right from wrong and when a fight comes out in my family which often involves my girlfriend I will often look like a cold hearted fool if I'm left not saying anyone and not having a persons back which can compromise either my relationship with my girlfriend, my parents, or my siblings with I don't want either of the three to happen. I find I take a side on one of the three the other two will be pissed and vice versa and the only way out of it really involved really understanding the bigger picture of the circumstance which is hard too. I feel like I'm left in an uncomfortable situation often times because I don't know what to say and which side to take in being assertive. Do you relate?

When it comes to things I don't want I'm very assertive. When it comes to things I do want I'm much more reserved.

There is no answer to this, I've found. When talking about this to other people, they always give the usual cliche, ''well they weren't proper friends in the first place then if they didn't like it when you said no.'' That is not always the case. Them being annoyed or upset if I say no might be their way of being assertive too, so we sort of clash, then it turns into an argument, and I do fear conflict. Then they might think, ''oh she's not a very good friend in the first place then if she objected to my suggestions''. So this is why I hate having this same conversation (here's just an example):-

OP: Take a drink out with you when you meet your friend, in case you get thirsty
Me: But my friend always wants my drink if she knows I've got one with me
OP: Then say no
Me: I can't
OP: Why?
Me: Because then she might shout at me or guilt me into it
OP: But then she's not a friend in the first place if she can make you feel like that
Me: *says nothing*

So I never quite know what to do. I think I'm someone who doesn't want to be alone, and so don't care how people treat me as long as I've got someone to go out with and talk to and feel accepted, instead of being stuck in my room all the time. People always say ''I'll rather be on my own than have friends who treat me like that'', but is that really true? Do you know many NTs who stick with other people because they are afraid of being alone and friendless? I know very few. I think people are hypocrits when they say that.

I find it easier to be assertive to strangers, although I used to become quite aggressive when overcharged. Much easier for me to get a restaurant mistake corrected than to tell my family the TV is too loud

When assertion is necessary, I don't hold back.

I hate being assertive too.

But if it would help, I just say what I feel and don't necessarily take sides. Then at least I know that if someone is pissed with me it's for a good reason and not just because they misunderstood me.

Funny--I don't have a problem advocating for someone else (provided I think they're right), but I have a very tough time with self-advocacy...

Every time I have ever been assertive, it has always backfired. A friend I used to have at school really wanted me to stay on another year in the sixth form with her, but I had made up my mind to go to college where I knew there were some courses there what I wanted to do. She kept on and on, and I was never nasty, I just said, ''no, I prefer to go to college and do what I've always wanted to do.'' Then she kept saying, ''oh, you can go to college next year.'' But I kept saying, ''no, I rather go sooner rather than later because I want to do this course at college.'' Then she kept saying, ''why?'', so I said, ''because there's nothing in sixth form what I want to do.'' The argument kept going on and on for weeks, and she was determined that I'd give in, which I didn't, so she hasn't been talking to me since, and she lives local. It's quite hurtful really, especially knowing that she has other friends that she goes out partying with and seems more accepted than I will ever be.

Hi Joe90, I keep seeing your posts and the same things keep cropping up again and again. I know you've heard it all before, but it really does sound like some of the people you call friends just aren't being very good to you. You describe some scenarios where people have taken advantage of your good nature in a way that a vague acquaintance wouldn't do, let alone a friend. I'm really glad you didn't give in and not go to college. That's a decision that shapes your future so it's really important that you do it for you and not for her. If she has a problem with that it's because she only has her own interests at heart. Lonely though it may be, you're tons better off without her! If she ever approaches you again, I suggest you snub her just as she's snubbed you. It's not a very mature or civilised response, but it will show that you're angry with her for the way she's treated you and that's the way round it should be, it will also remove any power she has over you. If she's trying to guilt you it's because she's selfish and manipulative. Stay away from her.

This is why I find it irksome when I find threads on WP saying things like ''Aspies are more selfish than the average person'' and ''Aspies lack empathy''. Well, I've never had an Aspie treat me like the above, and I would never treat a person like that either. If a friend of mine wanted to do something, I wouldn't try to stop them because it's their choice. I would just hope we'll still stay in touch and I'll still meet them when we had free time, and just treat them how friends should be treated. It seems Aspies seem to know more how to be friends than NTs themselves do here, otherwise I don't think Aspies would be treated like we do.

I think there are subtle differences between some of the aspects you raise. For example, I had always understood the meaning of empathy to be what I think you're also describing here. However, in truth, I think empathy is more about 'communication' than 'intention'. Aspies struggle to understand how another person feels because they lack empathy, but it doesn't mean they have bad intentions - usually quite the opposite - and they will likely treat others as they would wish to be treated themselves as far as they can. In contrast, a sociopath is often capable of great empathy, but they will use their understanding of other people to manipulate them and control the situation. NTs could almost be said to be somewhere in the middle. Most NTs wouldn't wish to do others any harm, but they have the ability to both empathise and manipulate and some will use that more or less frequently. I realise there are a lot of generalisations in what I just described, but it was only intended to illustrate the differences. Does it help make sense of anything?