Do you ever feel like you can't give much to others?

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I feel guilty that I can't give others much of my time. Or energy.

I have Aspergers as well as emotional issues, so it feels like I'm walking an emotional tightrope. Usually I'm anxious or worried about things; the black cloud of depression is always lurking around the corner.

I also need things to be a certain way or else I have a meltdown. I get stressed out easily. I've had massive meltdowns in the past, and they weren't pretty. I've been hospitalized multiple times.

In social interaction there is reciprocity. Often I cannot hold up my end (after trying to for so long). Of course, the other person ends up being disappointed.

The risk of a meltdown, a crisis, or further social isolation is very real. Thus, I don't take many personal risks. I know that giving others your time and energy and being a "giving" person in general requires one to take risks.

I feel bad about this. For example, I start off ok with people but then I have too many fears. A couple of times I wasn't there in their time of need due to my own fears and issues. I feel like such an awful person sometimes.

I know I'm not a bad person, just it is rare that I feel "ok", so when I do have that time, I always use it for downtime. Sometimes this happens at the most inconvenient time for others. It has destroyed friendships in the past.

I can handle very, very little. My brain doesn't work well and the most minor stress causes me to have an emotional breakdown. Thus, I avoid stressors.

I've given $ to the occasional homeless person, but even then the $ isn't much and I pick and choose when to do it based on the risk factors involved. I know that I could give more but don't. What the h is wrong with me??

The self-preservation instinct is very strong. I avoid personal risks due to an inherent feeling of vulnerability, both personally and emotionally. I don't feel like I have enough positive attributes to attract long-term friends. Thus, the instinct is to take few risks and be super cautious to avoid catastrophe.

So I'm wondering, is it perhaps prudent to self-preserve more than the average person if you are on the spectrum and have the resultant sensory/emotional issues?

Do you ever feel like you have to walk a tightrope in your life - things have to be 'just so', so narrow and constricted, that you frequently disappoint others in the process?

I do feel guilty about the way I am. On the other hand, I help NO ONE when in the midst of an emotional meltdown. I've averted worse disasters due to hypervigilance.

Is it perhaps ethically the soundest decision to self-preserve more if you have Aspergers?

Or am I just rationalizing here or what?

Do you ever feel like you can't give much to others due to being on the spectrum and the overload/emotional consequences of getting too involved in others' problems in your real life?

Last edited by tjr1243 on 04 Oct 2012, 12:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yes, and well said - thank you.

So in a sense you have decided to "give" to others through not exposing them to your meltdowns, etc?

That sounds so hard but is at least something not to forget....

In what ways do you want to give to people? And which people? Specific people, or the population at large?

For me, I tend to limit my friends to only a few. I don't see them often. They don't ask me much and I don't ask them. It is easier this way and I am completely accepting of it.

I think it is handy to
(a) plan to see them so that you can do all you need to prepare yourself for it
(b) have a plan in mind about how to de-stress yourself afterwards if it goes too far for you to handle, or if they hit you with a personal problem that you didn't feel equipped to handle
(c) allow yourself that extra time after each interaction to calm down
(d) limit the time you are with them - have a reason in mind as to why you can't stay long
(e) be kind to yourself and listen to your body - it will tell you in its way when things are starting to build up in you. End the interaction at that point, before things overwhelm you

Other than that.... How can you work on your fears and guilt?

Are you dismissing what you DO already give to others?

Can you work out a way to be more efficient in how you give to others in the timespan that you can handle? i.e. Instead of just rocking up to see them and chatting with them (or whatever it is you do), you could also bring a gift and/or card that you have prepared earlier to maximise your giving? How are you with using sms and email compared with in person? I use words through sms and email to add more to how I give to others.

Sorry, too many questions!! !!

I have NOTHING to give to other people.

Yeah, in a way I've decided to "give" to others by not exposing them to my meltdowns though hadn't thought to put it that way, but it makes sense

It actually brings up an ethical dilemma. How much personal risk are you willing to take in reaching out to someone else (if it does involve personal risk), and for those of us who have major meltdowns when things go wrong, is it perhaps ethically sounder to avert the risk altogether and keep to oneself

In what ways do I want to give to people; tough question My concern at the moment is not getting into a situation where a person expects so much and I cannot deliver. I don't like to hurt people's feelings, but somehow I get intertwined with people in my real life - I try so hard but then inevitably disappoint. And the person, rightfully so, feels abandoned. (This happened with a friend, she entered a rough patch in her life, and due to my fears I wasn't there for her.....I felt so horrible about it afterward and still do)

I'm not sure how to work on my fears and guilt; they are bothering me greatly, especially the guilt right now. I just don't know how to right these types of wrongs with people when I know the fears haven't left and I'm likely to repeat the same pattern if I were to get reinvolved. So is it better just to move on, even though you know you screwed things up with people or try to go back and fix things. I truly do not know what to do. In a way, perhaps moving on will help me work on the 'fear' part, as I often fear screwing things up with people, as crazy as this sounds.
Anyway, thinking aloud as I really don't know the best path.

Thank you for the feedback and questions...it helps me think

I've yet to be formally diagnosed, but I'm very much like you. I often have to forego many gatherings with friends and family (my husband's) if I don't feel up to them. Doing this puts my husband in the position of making excuses for my not attending, and he's usually disappointed when he has to go it alone. I feel incredibly guilty about this, but I do think that these preventative measures are for the best. It’s why one of my biggest fears is having children. I need a LOT of alone time, and sometimes don’t see how I could possibly give a child what it needs (emotionally).

No worries, this stuff is always such a puzzle isn't it?

I was wondering, with regards to this:
"How much personal risk are you willing to take in reaching out to someone else (if it does involve personal risk), and for those of us who have major meltdowns when things go wrong, is it perhaps ethically sounder to avert the risk altogether and keep to oneself "

What is it that you want from a friendship?
And how will a friendship effect your Life?

Also, when you are saying that you feel that you disappoint others and that they feel abandoned, was it mainly just that one example where this happened? Or have there been many more? Have there been situations where this hasn't happened?

It can also help to look at each situation from different perspectives. You know your own, already. Can you try to see it from their perspective? And then, can you try to see it from an observer's perspective? (I know as aspies this isn't our specialty, but we can still get some use out of this)

As for your fears, what triggers them? (as in, specifically)
When did they start?
What else is going on for you that might be contributing?
And what is stopping you from ridding yourself of this problem?

(you don't have to answer on here if the answers are too personal, but they are worth thinking about I reckon and definitely worth writing your answers down, whether you put them on here or not).

My Ohio friend/cousin-in-law reassures me that I do give back to her, but honestly, I'm unsure how.

I've been missing her a lot lately, but I think the long distance relationship might make a little easier, since there's less chance for conflict.

I understand well the issues raised here.
My life is a constant battle in discernmening what
amount of social interaction is valuable
and what is too much. I think I have accepted that
I will never get the balance right between being in
the world and withdrawal from it.

I am very prone to emotional regulation difficulties
as a result of trauma, so I am very discerning and
'just so' about how I plan what to give to others.

I have a gift of listening to others, born out of listening to
my own suffering, this well of empathy and compassion
is what I call 'a painful gift' and it needs boundaries
to keep me from getting overwhelmed. Hence, I
am a trained counsellor.

I am also a Quaker, the way we gather in silence and
speak from out of that silence is deeply connecting
yet not overwhelming.

With respect to guilt, I have found the following
statement of great help over the years.

"Appropriate guilt is when we have transgressed our
inner moral convictions. Inappropriate guilt is when
we have perceived to transgress external rules."

Either way, tending to ourselves with kindnes and
with a forgiving heart is a wonderful healing thing.

Having AS and depression is hard enough, berating
myself for not being 'good enough' is just to easy.
Mindfulness is essential for me in being able to
illuminate my thinking in regard to management of
friendships, time and sensory issue's.

A woman I used to work with died from complications from diabetes a couple of weeks ago. She had been in bad shape for quite a while. At the time of her death, her husband was in rehab 200 miles away trying to recover from his stroke and subsequent falling head first off of a truck. The couple also has two children, one elementary age and one in junior high or high school.

The entire town has had several projects to help them out. Tuesday night there was a hamburger supper soliciting donations for the family.

I refuse to help. She was fired from here for embezzling a great deal of money. While she should never have been put in the position she was in with absolutely no reasonable accounting controls to make it difficult for her to steal, I still blame her for doing the stealing and refuse to donate any money to her family.

When someone asks me about it, my answer: "I gave at the office."

I wish I had known myself that well before I had children. If you need a lot of alone time, children are not for you. I need a lot of alone time and I don't have it anymore.

There are situations where this hasn't happened, and it is because my anxiety wasn't triggered in those situations. I know that my anxiety is the cause of much of the turmoil....

Do you know what specifically triggers your anxiety?

I don't understand why some people write sentences with space like they would write a poem
Does it engage the reader more giving the impression there's something deep? it is really a poem or....?

It has become
really
a mistery
for me.

Ontopic: yes, i feel the same. Maybe i have really nothing to give.

Yes. I have various fears, both rational and irrational (of course, they seem rational from my perspective). Sometimes I avoid silly stuff due to having worked out a way that some distant catastrophe could come true.

I get that, for sure...

I wonder which piece(s) of evidence in each situation has caused the creation of the distant catastrophe idea....

One way I work with myself on this one, is instead of just leaving it at the fearful idea, I take it one step further and prepare a plan of what I would do if it DID come true, so that I would be prepared for it. This helps take my anxiety down a notch, knowing that I would be prepared with a plan I have pre-approved.

Also, sometimes we can "fabricate" bits of evidence that lead to our conclusions. Sometimes by going into the catastrophe fantasy in our heads and analysing its components, it can help - checking its accuracy. As in, like I was saying before, we (and especially us spectrumites) get caught up in absolutes - the words "always, never" for example. We take something which has happened once of twice and immediately we decide that it always happens. Challenging this helps - by thinking of times when it didn't happen, automatically disproves our theory. Also, by looking back at our past and finding/remembering times when such a situation (or similar) may have already happened, and how we handled it and the fact that all worked out ok in the end, really, can also help....

And maybe by really listening to your fear as a concerned friend or parent and listening to what it is really telling you underneath it all can help.

Just some ideas