I have taken a few online tests including the:
BAP: (Autistic/ BAP) 94 Aloof, 117 Rigid and 112 Pragmatic
AQ Test: 39
EIQ: 46
Aspie Quiz : Your Aspie score: 159 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 43 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
I've always thought I was somewhat different from most other kids, even at a young age adults commented on how I didn't seem to get along with the other children at school/ in my social circle as much as 'a normal' kid would. Even at the age of 4 or 5 I had extreme interests in things which were seen to be eccentric to others. These including dinosaurs and space, I researched these subjects avidly and got a lot of enjoyment out of it. I was quoted as being like a 'walking encyclopaedia' on any subject which interested me but then being stubborn and refusing to learn about anything that didn't spark the same sense of fulfilment and excitement in me as my special interests.
As I was growing up however, I shifted my priorities as I realised that you really need to be able to connect to others and forge meaningful relationships with other people to get by in this world. I lost my interest in a lot of the special subjects that used to make me feel good and define me as a person. I made a massive effort to put myself out there and attend sporting events, extra classes and any social event that I was lucky enough to be invited to. Doing this made massive improvements in the way I felt about myself, the way I carried myself and how I interacted with others. However, despite all these efforts and improvements I still felt as if something was 'wrong' with me, and judging by others reactions and the way they treated me I obviously wasn't alone in this opinion. I'm prone to the one-sided conversations that are reportedly related to people with Aspergers, however due to the way I was treated when I talked about my interests when I was younger, this tends to be with the other person doing about 90% of the talking and me just listening, nodding along and providing advice and feedback when I felt that it could help. I don't have much time for small talk and often feel like I don't know what to say, or that I have too much to say in the average conversation.
Other people often note that I'm outspoken and not afraid to speak my mind even if it will turn everyone in the room against me. I've also been accused of lacking tact and showing limited empathy when dealing with others. On the other hand, a lot of people comment on how well-spoken, intelligent and honest I am. This often confuses people as my outer demeanour portrays a person who is 'stand-offish', 'arrogant' and 'cold'. I think this is a manifestation of how I feel inside due to years of abuse and bullying as a child and I put up this image to the world to protect myself in a sense. Another key symptom I have is naivety and a 'childlike' personality once I feel comfortable around people and reveal my true self. Ex-girlfriends in the past have commented on how this what attracted them to me in the first place as I give off a tough impression in public to protect myself from others, but once they get to know me better they realise I'm actually a nice and genuine person. I've also heard from people that I have odd mannerisms and facial expressions. I'm not aware of these at all and whenever I ask someone what they mean as I would like to improve how I portray myself to the world, I'm met with either blank stares or vague references.
I have a friend with Aspergers and he says that he sees a lot of himself in me. He often asks me whether I experience things such as face-blindness, sensory sensitivities and whether I 'stim' in stressful or exciting situations. Looking back at my childhood I do remember hand-flapping when I was frustrated or happy, but my Dad often punished me with violence when I displayed these behaviours, so I quickly realised that this wasn't normal behaviour and I had to restrict my stimming to private situations.
I didn't think much of these observations made by my friend on the spectrum and thought maybe he was just curious and attempting to make small talk. However, when I started reading into Autism and related spectrum disorders in an effort to understand my mate better, a lot of the symptoms and experiences of people officially diagnosed as being on the spectrum rang true with how I felt and it explained a lot of the mysteries I've been plagued by most of my life. So in hindsight, I think he may have been trying to hint to me that I may be autistic to or I at least show a lot of the common traits. Reading up on the experiences of people with Aspergers brought back a lot of memories from my childhood that I thought were long forgotten, and looking back i think a few knowledgeable people may have been trying to hint it to me when I was younger as well. I was often described as 'gifted', 'unusual' and 'not like the other kids'. I had a chemistry teacher in secondary school who I highly suspect was on the spectrum herself, as she had an insane amount of knowledge on all the sciences even though she only taught chemistry. In my final school report she described me as a very able, but quiet and often misunderstood student. And I'll never forget the last words she said to me on the day I got my GCSE results as they seemed strange at the time. she told me to; Not let the way others treat me, change me as I'm gifted and that I was like a breath of fresh air in a polluted world. Do you think this may have been a vague reference to the fact we're both 'on the same level'?
02 Oct 2012, 11:33 am
. Yeah its not really the diagnosis that matters to me really, it's just I've finally been able to drop the stubbornness and admit I need help in overcoming my short-comings as it's best for myself and others around me.
