Does having AS explain violence? Or nothing to do with it?

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My AS Bf sometimes acts roughlywith me when he is excited by gripping me too hard or sometimes even pushing me out the way. I always call him out on it and tell him to apologize and he goes as far as to cry about doing it. I just want to have his behavior explained. Sometimes, he is so rough that he hurts me, but doesn't think he is hurting me and I have to keep reminding him to not use all his strength on me. He is muscular and I am opposite and weight 40pounds less than him, so it does really hurt.

No it does not explain it.

Having the condition I have some impulse control problems.

I have savings that I have in the bank that I have to give one week notice to withdraw so I do not spend on something silly but fun.

With out without Autism we are all individuals.

Maybe your boyfriend is not a very nice person and having Autism makes him impulsive and he shows his hand.

There are way more NTs like this they are good at hiding it and you get little or no warning.

Your boyfriend sounds like a creep that also happens to be on the Autism spectrum.

There are a lot of creeps out there most are NT I might add.

Being on the spectrum I am a logical thinker.

He is violent to you simple solution DUMP HIS ASS.

If you want to talk about your feelings and avoid the issue visit and NT board the internet is full of them they will give you bad advice but they will make you feel good about yourself.

Anyway your choice but you just got a dose of Aspie honesty.

maybe the first time of each problem was an accident. once you let him know and he still does it, it's straight up abuse.

i'm an aspie and i don't hurt people physically.

I think he is just angry and cannot control his aggression
that results from feeling misunderstood by you?

He should absolutely learn to control his agression, such that he maybe throws things (not at you though!) or something like that
instead of using physical aggression against you.

When I was really angry with my ex it happened that I was reacting intolerant and just continuing to be angry sort of thing
She really got totally angry. Not so nice either...

I have learned to just move away before anything like this happened.

When I was angry with my parents I sometimes was "carefully" throwing things around,
just to release anger and showing that I am really angry at them...

I hesitate usually such that the outbreak isn't that strong, because usually in the next moment I'll regret it,
because it is stupid to destroy something...

AS explains it in such a way that you don't know how to show anger or that you cannot express it when people get to near to you, insult you,
don't understand you from your perspective or such things.

In the next moment he is of course unhappy because he's your boyfriend and he wouldnt like to harm you.
There is just some problem in your communication between each other that he cannot handle.

He should learn to stop even touching you when you are angry (that's not normal and quite risky to make things worse)...
and just walk away or something similar

You could probably if you are not yourself angry at him
ask him what is wrong/ or better what is the problem,
try to decelerate kind of thing

Many might well be just sad when somebody is angry at them "subjectively unfair"
I, however, have some agressive feelings (which are of course normal, just the way how to express it is different than NTs do it)
Physical things are however not supposed to be part of the thing,
neither is throwing things around nice,
and selfagression is I think also pretty common...

Lack of awareness of personal boundaries and sensory processing issues could explain what is happening. I have a 10 year old son with Asperger's and he will grab arm and squeeze hard when he's excited. He's been doing this since he was a toddler and I tell him it hurts, but he continues to do it. He will also pull down suddenly on my hand/ arm in a way hurts me.

So, yes, it could be because of his AS.

Could be or my explanation may be right.

Either way she should get rid of him?

I agree that it doesn't sound like typical violence...it sounds more like ASD clumsiness, what Marcia said, and the possibility that he doesn't know his own strength. Unless you feel that he is abusing you purposefully, then perhaps you could develop some sort of setup that reminds him without using words (a loud clap, a particular ASL sign, etc.)? He might not be able to process verbal reminders well. Of course if you feel you are the victim of domestic violence, you should contact a crisis center.

THIS.
I have a friend who is similar, but not in a violent manner (he is very clingy). He will go up and bear-hug the s**t out of people. I dread it when he tries to bear-hug me (I loathe being touched, not to mention how awkward it feels to have a grown man twice your size clinging onto you like a homesick kitten). I've had to squirm (thank you, EDS) out of his clutches on more than one occasion.

I second CyborgUprising's "This."

My fiance isn't on the spectrum, but he does some of the same things that you're describing; he is very strong, easily 40-50 pounds of muscle more than I have, and doesn't always get just how much physical power he has. We've come up with a system, where, if he is squeezing too hard, I'll squeeze back, or say something along the lines of, "Uhh, honey? I'm gonna need that hand later." We try to keep it light, not quite joking, but easy; it works really well for us, though it might not for you. It still does happen, and has for the (almost) 4 years we've been together, but it has gotten better. If you don't mind my asking, how long have you been together, and how long has this been going on?

The way you describe it, it sounds completely unintentional, like maybe he doesn't realize his own strength. Either way it's something he'll have to work on paying more attention to.

Although, since I don't know him, I can't make the final determination on that. I think if you keep reminding him, he may eventually be able to solve the problem.

The only time I can get kind of violent is when I have an overload and people just won't leave me alone. But then I'll just shout and scream at someone. I'd never actually hurt someone physically. So maybe it's the AS that makes your boyfriend underestimate his strength, but it's not like he couldn't stop if he wanted to.

As a response to many of the inquiries. Here goes. I feel that his reactions are unintential about 80% of the time, the rest...I am not too sure...I keep asking myself, "Did he mean to do that?" But mostly, I do think it is unintentional, but it just makes me feel like trash when he does it. In no way have I felt that he tried to hurt me on purpose. He always apologizes after the fact, but the fact that they happen does bother me. We have been seeing each other for 3 years thus far and it has happened in the past and when he is really excited or really mad he does it. He also hits himself when he is mad, but he hits himself very hard at times. He has never bruised me or nothing like that. It just hurts if he is too rough. If it helps any some other things he does is he does hug too tight also and if we are walking and he grabs my waist he pulls too hard. So, what can I do to get him to stop other than words. I don't want him to stop hugging me, I just wonder if he can even be gentle with me.

Have you talked about it with him, frankly and openly? If the problem is that he is too rough with you, maybe you and he could practice gentleness--how to hug you without squeezing, how to get your attention without pushing you off balance, how to grab your arm without hurting. He may always be clumsy, but even if that's the case, you could learn to tell him when he's being too rough, and he can learn to back off when you say that. You may have to consistently tell him, every time, if he's that clumsy: "Not so hard!" "Ow!" "Careful!" Things like that. Work out some signals that tell him when he's being too rough and see how that changes things. Apologizing isn't enough if he always ends up doing it again; but then, demanding he stop may not be enough if he doesn't know how to stop because he either doesn't detect that he's gripping too hard or doesn't detect your discomfort. Use words--we understand words much better than anything else. You have been with him three years; you probably know by now that if you want him to understand something you are better off just saying it, instead of hinting.

As for ASDs and violence: Autistic people are less likely to commit crimes, on average, than NTs; Asperger's in specific has no significant difference from NTs in terms of crime or violent crime. So, no, it's not associated with violence. That's not to say we can't be violent; but if we are, it's a choice on our part, just like it would be with an NT.

I don't think there is enough information in the OP to draw a conclusion either way. Getting upset after these incidents would be consistent with *both* accidentally hurting you AND with an abuser - many abusers become "upset" after their incidents of abuse.

I want to make it VERY clear that I'm not drawing a conclusion either way with this. Just pointing out that we need more info to offer a worthwhile opinion, IMO.

Either way, like somebody said, you need to have a frank and matter-of-fact talk with your boyfriend to get to the bottom of this. Whether it's accidental or deliberate it's obviously a problem for you or you wouldn't have posted here about it. If after said talk you can see that he is making a concerted and, most importantly, sustained effort to lessen these incidents then it is likely that it is just accidental. If they continue unabated, or he changes for a short time before returning to normal, then this could be indicative that he has a problem with violence or abuse. If that is the case, you need to get rid of him and he needs to get some therapy.

Good luck with the problem, I really hope this is all just a misunderstanding and that you and your boyfriend manage to fix this problem to your mutual satisfaction

I have only ever been violent to myself.

I have this same problem; I did mention this in previous threads of mine.