Advice? -Married Aspies

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So, um...yah looking for advice...particularly any useful reference books for either:
(a) Marriage between 2 Aspies - y'know coping techniques, et cetera.
(b) Aspies raising an NT child - y'know, the little bugger may need things we wouldn't think to provide.

I'm currently a bit confused - but things are starting to make sense - my wife and I just visited an Aspie support group and she started weeping and saying she'd found her people. The support group is nice, but hardly any of them are in R/S. That, and I'm a bit worried that we were a bit odd for the group.

Thing is...we're pretty different. I'd characterize myself as aloof and emotionally withdrawn with a tendency to ramble, dress badly, and have communication difficulties. My wife is fairly emotional, monologues constantly, has meltdowns, depression, extremely low empathy, and a strangely rigid communication style. We think pretty differently. I dunno - we each found an affinity for half the support group - different halves.

Anyways, a lot of the time, communication feels like trying to run with square gears - there's a lot of chipping and occasional explosions. We've tried couples communication, marriage counseling, books on nonviolent communication and they do help - but the skills they teach seem to be geared towards NT or NT/Aspie couples.

For example, the communications workshops we've attended all recommend sequences like:
(a) Bring up topic.
(b) Partner shows understanding until you feel understood.
(c) Partner gives opinion on topic.
(d) You show understanding of partner's opinion.

Unfortunately, my wife has a lot of trouble with this because she can't remember what she's brought up and my opinion on the topic at the same time - this can be pretty frustrating - she basically needs to talk something all the way through with no input - and that isn't a good formula to obtain a reasonable compromise. It probably doesn't help that I tend to ramble and be factually picky.

So yep, any advice?

--Argyle

sure. practice your listening skills. when having a conflict, take turns. let her finish first while you listen to what she is saying as opposed to what you want to think she is saying or formulating your rebuttal. when she is finished, respond with letting her know what you heard and ask her if that is what she's trying to express to you. if not, give her a chance to explain in a way you understand. then try your best to reach a compromise or solution which suits both interests. in a sense, think of it how you would if you went to a business mediation. after all, marriage is a contract between (usually) two people. when you need to bring up a conflict, follow the same rules. no cheating because you are a man and think differently than a woman. follow the same rules for each and every conflict and it might help to bring a sense of order and validation to you both.
i follow this formula myself with my nt housemate.

What an inspiration

Can't help, but I can relate to the talking without interruption and having to listen to her talking what feels like forever. By the time she is done I forgot everything and lost complete interest and/or emotion and was busy thinking of something funny that happened that day.

Y'know, I can (and often do) the waiting for her to finish, reflect what she's saying, check that it correct thing. The problem is that the compromise step doesn't work well - because she tends to get distracted if I mention my own interests.

Something like...(y'know, simplified, but a real conversation.)
'I think we need to switch preschools because blah et blah.'
-Okay, you think we need to switch preschools because of blah et blah.' And this is really important to you because blah. Is there more?
'Nope.'
-Can I mention some concerns?
'Sure.'
-Well, blah and blah, deposit.
'Aigh. If I reflect that, I'll forget what I was talking about. What was I talking about? Your sentences are too long - I can't understand. What's your answer? (meltdown)'

I dunno. She remembers written stuff better - so I'm thinking maybe we can both use notepads.

--Argyle

Yeah I think notepads, post-it notes or e-mail works perhaps better. Takes time to process stuff and formulate a question in return. I like that idea.

My husband and I are in an Aspie/Aspie relationship - and while we're still very much trying to figure out how to get along as well, we have found that communicating VIA email is much more successful than trying to talk in person.

My husband suffers from selective mutism, and he frequently shuts down during our in-person conversations, which causes me to have a melt down, then he feels responsible for it, and it's this whole dramatic cycle. When we email, he doesn't feel as much pressure, so he doesn't shut down as easily. If he does, I don't have to feel frustrated by it because I'm not witnessing it. Not to mention, he can go take a walk or something to recover without feeling pressure to respond immediately.

It just works far better for us.

The meetup website. There's about 5 in our area.

--Argyle

A good suggestion in principal. It sometimes works. But, in practice, any switch to hearing my opinion usually results in her forgetting what she was talking about (or thinking that I completely disagree with whatever she's brought up...). I'm thinking she needs some extra storage capacity. Maybe...

She talks...to the end.
We write stuff down.
I talk to the end.
We write stuff down.
We synthesize.
We problem-solve.

Then, the only-remaining problem is her usually taking about 1.5 hours - she tends to process while she's talking.

--Argyle

There's a limitation of posting web links. Think meetup dot com.

--Argyle

yep talk via email on these things. then she can process without wasting too much of your time

check out the adult issues in depth part of this forum