How can I get more self-confident?

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I know that this isn't an Aspie-only problem and that many NTs are not as confident as they appear. However I think it is even harder for us to develop a healthy self esteem because we really do have "flaws" and we can be clumsy and embarassing.

I can't stand up for myself. I can't say No to people, and I always feel inferior. I feel like I am untalented, not very pretty and just overall not a significant person. My problems with social situations constantly make me feel weak, awkward and ugly.

I really admire headstrong, confident people who don't give a sh*t about what others think of them. I'd love to become like that myself, but I don't know how...

do you have a low self esteem? Do you think I can do anything about mine?

I gained my confidence from figuring out what I was good at and practicing until I was really really good. Confidence for me anyway, is one of those things that's hard to get started on but once you find it in one place it starts growing to others. I did poorly in school both academically and socially so it wasn't until I got out and found my own path that things really started to change for me.

Yeah, this. Most AS people have so-called "special interests". Use that. Be really really good at something. When people find out of your proficiency in it they will start looking-up to you and usually asking for help when it concerns that subject. It won't really affect your general self-confidence but at least at that area it will, and that is a good start. Then you realize nobody can be good at everything.

Also realize that those "headstrong, confident people who don't give a sh*t about what others think of them" only seem like so. A lot of people fake it. I know I do. I have unreasonably low self-esteem, but I am able to fake it when I am around society so they don't feel sorry for me or send me to the mental health specialist or something. And "not giving a sh*t what other people think" is confident behavior, but there is such a thing as "too confident" (i.e. "douchebag"). I mean you probably do not admire nor want to be anything close to what those choads in that "Jersey Shore" show are.

Okay, well, I think there are things I'm good at - singing, for example.. but then I listen to a youtube cover someone did and I think "man she's better than me" and already I feel bad again. I know there will always be someone better than me.. but still...

and no I don't mean people like Jersey Shore. Of course I still want to be considerate and intelligent. I just don't want to feel inferior to pretty much everyone else any more.

The number one thing that has helped me with my confidence, and I know that this may sound strange, is to get complimented. By this I don't mean go out "seeking compliments". What I mean is that when you have positive enforcement from an outside party that you're doing a good job, be it at socializing, work, school, a hobby, or whatever...it can boost your confidence far more than just about anything else. For example, I always thought that I was terrible at job interviews and absolutely hated them. But recently, I was told by my interviewer straight-up that I was the best interview he had seen all year. He even went so far as to say I was articulate and outgoing! That statement was single-handedly one of the biggest boosts to my confidence and self-esteem that I've had in my entire life, because socializing and "being outgoing" have been the things I've always struggled with the most.

And if you look at many of the people who are the most confident, why are they so confident? The reason is that they either are successful at what they're doing so they know for sure that they're doing things the right way, or they have people tell them that they're doing things right. Think of the most attractive woman you can...do you think she would be confident about her looks if she had never been told she was attractive, and was never approached by men? No, it's those two things that give her confidence in her appearance!

Now, how to go about doing this? I would just recommend trying to do the absolute best that you can at whatever you lack confidence about. If you're not confident about your job, strive to do the best work that you possibly can. If it's socializing, practice as much as you can with people you're comfortable with (family or close friends) and gradually extend your comfort zone to people you don't know as well. Try to become an expert at the things that you are the least skilled at. It's certainly not easy, but perseverance does indeed pay off.

*edit* I just saw your last post, and yes there will always be people better than you. Even the greatest athletes are occasionally beaten by someone who, at the time, was better than them. Does that make them inferior, or any less talented? Not in the least! You have to keep in mind that it's never about being the best, it's about being the best that you personally can be. As long as you do that, then that's above and beyond what most people do, and it something to be respected!

Hope that I was able to help!

If you're going to be confident, you are indefinitely going to end up walking over to someone. It feels like a steam roller coaster.

Do you mean walk up to some one or over some one?

I mean figuratively you will end up steam rolling over someone's feelings. There are just way too many dynamics in the NTs world. It is close to impossible to figure out what the answer is when you perceive things as x+ y = z. When it is actually x + y + k = ? You just steam rolled.

I guess we just need to learn to move on. I just lost a friend today. And there is nothing I can do about it.

I think there's a difference between confident and inconsiderate.

http://ca.askmen.com/money/body_and_mind_100/111_better_living.html

a book that helped me gain self-esteem is "the self-esteem companion" by mckay, fanning et al.

all human beings have equal worth just by virtue of being human. you just need to learn to believe that truth.

confidence, as a previous poster said, is gained by taking small steps toward competence. the first "no" is the hardest to say. people who are used to "yes" will push harder at first to get their way. if you stand firm calmly, they'll eventually accept the new reality of the assertive you.

Don't compare yourself to others. Fake it until you make it. Realize that you can do it. If you do stumble, you just are human (even aspies are human!) and get back up. Failure is defined in my book as giving up.

I can't seem to gain more confidence either. Well, I could, but that would mean I would be more embarrassing and socially clumsy, most probably. Also I find it hard to stand up for myself, and I find it hard to chat to people I hardly know, and I'd love to be a chatty person. I think it's my body language that people read first, and as soon as they see me they immediately know that I'm shy (I've been told I look shy even when I'm not feeling that shy), so that puts them off talking to me for a start, so they then automatically don't expect me to talk so I kind of suck up to their expectations and don't talk.

Also the right words don't always come into my head at the time, so I couldn't sit and chat if I tried. It's such a shame I'm like this because I would love to be more of a bubbly, chatty person. It's so unfair.

If I would know how to do it I would be glad. Now, I am not on the very low end (yet). And I always hope it'll go better again.

But I think what you'd have to do is

1) Fight anxiety
2) Be a lot with friends that you feel respected by

I think that if you'd realise that there are people that honestly like you the way you are that will improve your self confidence quite a lot.

That is true. But only for the things that you wouldn't know.
I guess you'd never intentionally walk over somebody...

And then there is the problem that you actually never can be sure how people react (Additionally to the I don't get it problem).
Even NTs can walk over somebody without wanting it.

The difference is that they would not react so strongly emotionally on having done that. Aspie do and that will put them down.

Aspies would even tend to feel bad when they did not do anything wrong
and this will put them down as well

Right?

If you could gain self confidence by allowing yourself to be more "embarassing" (or whatever that means) and clumsy I think you should go for that.
Being more impulsive and more natural yourself. They would be surprised. Some people of course dont like clumsy people but they are anyway boring.

You can also just fill it with words around if a word doesn't come to your mind. That'll be weird but better then not to communicate things you'd want to say.
That happens to me nowadays quite often

Or express your difficulties when they appear.
I'd swear a lot, because finnish language is really made for this.

I also noticed that being down affects quite a lot your abilities.
If you compare to your past you'll see.

What about one to one communication?