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Social Ettiquete Article

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Mirror21
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11 Oct 2012, 4:19 pm

Those of us in the spectrum seem to have great deal of issues with "getting" unspoken social rules. We have to LEARN them and practice them and they are very unnatural to us. I found this article that lists a bunch of these rules in different situations and I wanted to share.

Some of my favorites where:

Quote:
Acknowledge people you know. Whether it is a head nod, wave, or “Hello”. The fundamental of good social manners when meeting people is responding to their presence.

Hold your drink and other objects in your left-hand to keep your right-hand free for handshakes.

Stand when you greet someone. Especially obey this etiquette rule when meeting someone for the first time. Don’t stress if it’s difficult to stand like when a baby is in your lap. When you are unable to stand, leaning forward can be a substitute to show interest.

Once you stand to meet someone, smile and offer your hand to the person for a handshake. It’s a simple way to make a good first impression.

When meeting close friends and family of the opposite sex, you can kiss them on the check. Always kiss on the right-side and move straight-in to stop head bumps. Whether a kiss is acceptable or not may change across cultures.

Greet a family member and anyone staying in your home when you see them for the first time in the day. A simply acknowledgment like “Hey” and “Good morning” can make the home a more pleasant place to live.


Some that made no sense to me:

Quote:
Do not break eye contact from the group in an introduction. Looking in the distance tells the person you are meeting that you prefer to be with someone else. As the conversation continues, you’re allowed to break more eye contact. However, too much broken eye contact at anytime shows disinterest – a common relationship mistake.

For every arrival, there is a departure. Make your departure more gracious than a “bye”. Wind down the conversation. You can sum up a key point of the conversation (“I’ll make sure to get the report to you by Monday to prevent further hassle”), reference a private joke from the conversation (“Next time we meet, I hope you’ve figured out how to use the mower!”), or appreciate the person and the conversation (“Well, Andrea, I’ve got to get going but I’ve enjoyed talking with you”).


There is no way I could keep that much eye contact comfortably and how am I supposed to make a more graceful exit without making it it horrid?

What do you guys think?

Click here to see the article



daydreamer84
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11 Oct 2012, 4:39 pm

Mirror21 wrote:
Those of us in the spectrum seem to have great deal of issues with "getting" unspoken social rules. We have to LEARN them and practice them and they are very unnatural to us. I found this article that lists a bunch of these rules in different situations and I wanted to share.


Some that made no sense to me:

Quote:
Do not break eye contact from the group in an introduction. Looking in the distance tells the person you are meeting that you prefer to be with someone else. As the conversation continues, you’re allowed to break more eye contact. However, too much broken eye contact at anytime shows disinterest – a common relationship mistake.


There is no way I could keep that much eye contact comfortably and how am I supposed to make a more graceful exit without making it it horrid?


Click here to see the article


My therapist says that you don't actually have to make "eye contact" at all ....meaning actually looking at the other person's eyes, you just have to look at the person'as face - you can look at their eyebrows or nose and mouth area. I guess just don't look off into the distance -apparently -at the beginning of the conversation - I don't know that rule- just look at their face. Apparently when a lot of people talk about "eye contact" they just mean looking at the person you're talking to.



Mirror21
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11 Oct 2012, 4:44 pm

No way, really? I usually look at the mouth. I feel as if I do not look at that I can't understand what they are saying. But most people notice that rather fast >,< I guess I can try to zoom out a little bit, so it looks like I am looking at them in the face?

I told my gf I can't look in her eyes, and that, no offense, when I look at ANYONE in the eyes is like looking at a spider or a fish. I am not sure she liked to hear that.



daydreamer84
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11 Oct 2012, 4:54 pm

Mirror21 wrote:
No way, really? I usually look at the mouth. I feel as if I do not look at that I can't understand what they are saying. But most people notice that rather fast >,< I guess I can try to zoom out a little bit, so it looks like I am looking at them in the face?

I told my gf I can't look in her eyes, and that, no offense, when I look at ANYONE in the eyes is like looking at a spider or a fish. I am not sure she liked to hear that.


Yeah it's said that people with ASD look at the mouth more, so I thought that was really noticeable and looked weird but my therapist said it doesn't....that a lot of people won't notice exactly where you look if you look at their faces.

Some people get freaked out by description of AS symptoms...I'm not really sure why. For example my friend had a professor for one of her early childhood education courses who was diagnosed with AS and explained to the class that he focused on a "point on the back of a person's head" when he made eye contact bcs it didn't come naturally to him. My friend took me to a lunch with 2 of her friends from her ECE program and they were talking about it......they said it was really weird and "creepy". I was really uncomfortable when they were talking about this....I just sat there quietly. Anyway if you said to your gf "I have problems with social skills and eye contact" she probably wouldn't be freaked out by that but for some reason the description of "what it's like" freaks people out sometimes.



anneurysm
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11 Oct 2012, 5:07 pm

Love this list! It's very c;lear, concise and to the point.

Although I admit...I break this following one all the time because I'm so focused on the people and conversation at hand that if someone comes up unexpectedly and gives me a handshake, I become totally unprepared.

Mirror21 wrote:
Hold your drink and other objects in your left-hand to keep your right-hand free for handshakes.


Although I'm good with my body language in a social context, I become very clumsy in social situations because I'm so focused on the words and meanings of everything around me that it's hard for me to direct my attention elsewhere, such as to what my body is doing...hence not keeping my right hand free for a handshake.

Another example: when a group of people I just met and I were preparing to board the subway, I was so focused on processing the conversation leading up to it that it took me much longer than usual to dig into my purse and find my tokens and I walked through the gate very awkwardly to the point where one of them made a snarky comment about it. It shows that no matter how good at faking social competency I am, that I will slip through the cracks at times because there are just too many things to keep track of while socializing!
Most people tend to be occasionally clumsy anyway, so being clumsy is the sacrifice I make to get by in social situations.


_________________
Given a “tentative” diagnosis as a child as I needed services at school for what was later correctly discovered to be a major anxiety disorder.

This misdiagnosis caused me significant stress, which lessened upon finding out the truth about myself from my current and past long-term therapists - that I am an anxious and highly sensitive person but do not have an autism spectrum disorder.

My diagnoses - social anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I’m no longer involved with the ASD world.