Please advise on how to support fiance during melt downs?

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Hi there.

Do any of you have any advice on how I can best support my fiance when he has melt downs?

He is 50, and has Aspergers. All his meltdowns are stress related/riggered. And almost all his stress comes from his need to control everything as much as possible about his environment so that he feels comfortable. Including many things about me - which he simply can't do. He wants to control my clothes, my thoughts, my professional life - etc. and of course he can't so he ends up having melt downs over the smallest things.

At the moment he's under increased stress because his mother passed away 2 weeks ago - and he is very uncomfortable that I didn't have any strong positive regard for her.
In his mind he wants family relations to be very literal and fairy tale like: everyone together, at all times, wife at home, cooking taking care of the house and loving him. Life's never been like that for him: his mother's AS was intense she was a recluse for 40 yrs, refusing to have contact with the outside world, even him. His father has AS (but is in denial) and refuses to have contact with him.
As a result, I am his only family - and he rages with me for not being a housewife, and yet needs me to work as he really struggles to earn income, and relies on my career to take care of him -

Anyway, his melt downs are becoming more frequent and more violent: just yesterday it was so intense that he threw my phone and charger doen the toilet (leaving me with a plumbing bill); removed all my clothes from the house - I now have only 1 dress left (which I am weraing today); and removed my Macbook which he knows I need for work - he says he threw it in the Ocean. When the melt down started I removed myself so I could get somewhere public an dbe safe. However I was very concerned that he'd get arrested for his aggressive, abuisve outbursts and phyiscal handling of me in public.

His therapist says when he has a melt down like this I have to call 911 and ask for menthal health services to attend so they can record how acute it is, and help talk him down.
However I understand that the mental health services would attend with an police officer, and I avoid this at ALL costs as don't want an armed officer anywhere near my fiance when he is experiencing melt down, and looks - to the untrained eye, aggressive etc.


But the main things is this - how do I help him today onwards?

The melt down's over, but - if I simply go home today after work, how will I make it clear that that it's not OK to take my clothes, my computer, my phone etc and destroy our home?

On the other hand, of course I can not simply abandon a family member just because of their developmental difference?

So - really, what do I do??

All advice gratefully received. Thanks so much.

:?:

Hmm... No offense, but AS or not, if he tries to control your life, you probably shouldn't be with him.

I wish I had more/better advice for you, but that really is pretty ridiculous.

Okay, I just read the entire post. When I first clicked reply, I hadn't read it all yet. That is beyond ridiculous. He either needs some kind of therapy, or you need to just leave. I realize how you feel about the situation, especially because he has a developmental disorder, but that's no excuse for being an a**hole. He needs to understand that you are an individual, and if he wants you to stay around, he needs to learn to compromise.

Leave him before you end up a statistic. AS or not you should not have to put up with that or be treated that way. A meltdown is one thing, but when the meltdowns start involving you or your possessions then you need to plan an escape route ASAP. He sounds like a nightmare.

Yeap. They sound more like anger tantrums than meltdowns IMO . .. but I am no expert.

This is not just because of a developmental difference, it sounds like there is a lot going on here, and you may be in over your head. This man is going to kill you - if not physically, than emotionally, and I think that you should run as fast as you can.

I have AS by the way, and I have pretty intense melt downs from time to time (they do not resemble what you're describing), but I wouldn't in a million years expect anyone to put up with that kind of behavior from me. But than again, I would likely sooner institutionalize myself before allowing someone to marry me before I got the behavior under control.

Yeah, I agree here. He's hurting you.

Don't get me wrong: I am NOT saying you should kick him to the curb, and refuse to have contact with him. Your description sounds more like mental illness than like deliberate cruelty--the problem is that this mental illness is hurting you, and he is letting it do that. While he may not be responsible for his actions when he is out of control, he is responsible for the fact that he is not doing anything about the problem when he is thinking straight.

You need to keep yourself safe, and that may mean distancing yourself from him right now.

Why I think there's a mental illness involved here:
--You say his behavior has lately gotten worse. AS tends to be relatively constant.
--He has directly attacked your possessions. People with AS having meltdowns that are poorly controlled tend to damage their own possessions, or just whatever happens to be nearby. That means that it's not just meltdowns--there's an anger control issue here, too. He was deliberately trying to hurt you, in a way that seems more like his anger is out of control and he doesn't know how to keep it in check. It's like the way a child tips over the checker board after losing a game... If this were only a meltdown, it'd either be controlled enough that he wouldn't be damaging things at all, or so poorly controlled that he damages things at random. But he's targeting your stuff. There's more to it than meltdown.

How much physical danger are you in? Does he ever hit you? Would he ever be impulsive enough to push or shove you off balance near hard objects, stairs, etc.? If yes, you are in danger, and you need to do something about it. This isn't selfish: It is a matter of you keeping yourself safe, but it is also because if he hurts you, he will go to jail.

I don't know what's going on, but it seems plain that he has had little or no therapy for the AS, including parents who modeled possibly the worst way to deal with disability. He is probably dealing with a mental illness in addition to AS--depression, anxiety, OCD, anger management issues--who knows what it is, exactly; I'm no psychologist, and even if I were I'd have no idea over the Internet. I just know that there's enough here to seek help. ASAP. You are miserable. He seems miserable too. If he loses control once too many and you're just unlucky enough, he may push you, you lose your balance, crack your head on the edge of a table, and you're dead and he's in prison.

Yeah, I'm blunt. I'm autistic. That's how I roll. I want you to know exactly what I think, and I'm not going to pussyfoot around about it.

You don't want this to go on any longer. Autistic people are just as capable as anyone else of being cruel and refusing to deal with problems that are hurting them as well as others. He is being cruel, and he needs to stop it. Yes, he has a disability, but that just means that you should be trying to get him into treatment.

I think your gut feelings are right: You should not need to wait until he is in danger, or putting you in danger, and then call the police or health services. Get him into the hospital or into therapy now. That way you can avoid all of the pain of having to go through whatever dramatic, dangerous event would finally force you to call emergency services. I don't know what the medical system is like in your area; but the rule of thumb is--hospital is for people who are in danger or putting others in danger; outpatient therapy is for people who can still keep it together enough. There are in-between options; day treatment, so you're home at night, or multiple weekly counseling sessions.

(By the way: "Talking someone down" out of a meltdown doesn't really make much sense. Usually the best way is to just leave them alone and let them calm down on their own, unless they are in serious physical danger. I know that when I'm in a meltdown/shutdown state, I don't really get a lot of meaning out of what people around me say; so anybody trying to "talk me down" would just be making meaningless noise in the background. Best thing I have found for my meltdowns is to go to a private, quiet space, wrap myself in a blanket, and wait it out.)

I want to make one point very clearly: You do not do him any favors by continuing to allow him to hurt you like this. Loving somebody means you want good things for them. He's living with this constant explosive meltdown problem, having to control everything about your life, going through the day not knowing when he is going to go out of control and hurt someone--that is NOT a good thing. Something needs to be done. You get him into treatment. Force him if you have to. And if he still refuses, and you conclude that you cannot help him, then leave--because if you stay, you will make yourself a target, he will hurt you, and both of you will be worse off than you are now. Leaving doesn't have to mean permanent separation, you know. In this case, it would be a way to keep everyone safe. (If he cannot take care of his own basic needs, please do call health services if you leave him, so that they can take over caretaking duties.)

I agree with this. You (OP) mentioned that he took your laptop which you need for work. I just wanted to mention that I recently had a meltdown where I destroyed my own laptop which I need for work. I cannot afford to buy a new one, and it's been a huge inconvenience, to say the least. I've also damaged several walls, when I know somewhere in the back of my mind that I'm the one that has to fix them (my husband cannot spackle). I'm not saying that this man is abusive, but I did read in "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (I think that it was that book) that abusive men will act as if they cannot control themselves while in a fit of rage, but they will almost always destroy the other persons things, and not their own.

I would run if I were you. Being that controlling, he has major issues and you need to get out. I wouldn't want someone treating me that way. It's downright abuse.

Also just because someone has a condition does not mean you are committed to stay with them. If they are abusing you, you have the right to leave them.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your notes. Illuminating to share insight in an informed community.

So, some things:

Yes, it is autism and not a mental illness - he's been with a team of AS centered neurodevlopmental doctors for a few months now.
The trouble is that is we've been unable to attend the sessions as regularly as we'd planned due to financial limitations.

And also:

Yes, he also removed all his clothes form the apartment, and threw his laptop into the Ocean too.
So whilst he was upset at me not making choices he wanted me to, his discomfort was indiscrimate when the melt down started: he destroyed as much of hisw own things as mine.

On other occassions, his melt downs have seen him hitting himself on the head over and over again - he never touches me. He always tends to hurt himself or objects: walls, laptops, lamps - whatever is in the way at the time of the melt down.


This isn't the space to say 'RUN'. Melt downs are frightening. But they're not something to be isolated for. Adults who have never had any positive modeling, or any kind of treatment deserve space and support.

He does indeed need help = and I guess the posts here give me the insight that I can talk with him about how urgent it is for him to get into regular treatment.

My second question is this: how do I communicate with him that even though I want to support him through his path to wellness, my presence next to him, by his side, doesn't mean 'it's OK' to do what he does? I ask because any attempt to say 'this is not OK' effectively creates anxiety and then another melt down is imminent....

Any advice?

Thanks!!

"Get into counseling or you'll never see me again!"

Okay, that's a relief. If he's destroying everything indiscriminately and he's hurting himself--yeah, that's closer to meltdown than abusive behavior. The only difference (though it's a critical one) is that the intent to hurt may not be there; you and your things may simply be within reach. (Staying out of reach is the obvious solution; I recommend it.)

I don't think they are wrong about his having autism; I just think he may also have a mental illness in addition. Depression, anxiety disorders, OCD--they can all make it much, much harder to cope. The autism would be an underlying neurological difference.

This is the space to say whatever I want, provided I'm not attacking anyone. And I am not; neither you nor your fiance. When I say "get out", I am saying it from the perspective of an autistic person who has had meltdowns that went to the point of hurting myself, running without a destination in mind, hitting anything and anyone within reach, damaging objects. I do NOT want those meltdowns to hurt anyone. That's why I do my best to get away from other people, as well as away from any overwhelming sensory stimuli, when I know I am getting overloaded. I could never forgive myself if I hurt someone else during a meltdown--I see it as my responsibility to learn how to prevent them, and if one is inevitable, to prevent it from hurting anyone around me. So far I've been successful. I haven't hurt anyone since I was a child.

As a child and teen I hit my parents when they tried to pin me down, put limbs through the walls, bit myself, and ended up with bruises I couldn't remember getting. Eventually I was hospitalized with cuts all over myself. It was not a suicide attempt, but I was suicidal, and hurting myself was my desperate way of trying to cope. I was not happy, and I desperately needed help. The hospital didn't help me very much; but then, hospitals don't really do more than just keep you alive and stabilize you if you're in acute crisis. What did help me was learning about autism, learning why I was different and what I could do to help manage my own symptoms, as well as joining the disability community in general--learning that disability is neither a source of shame nor a reason to be pitied; that disability is a normal part of human existence.

I don't want you to abandon him. But I do want you to keep him from hurting you any more than he already has. Once he realizes how much he hurt you, he may well be devastated. Letting him hurt you more is not going to help that.

You know, even though he needs support and modeling, to be frank, I think an intimate relationship like the one you have is too intimate to provide that support. He needs natural support from friends, and family (which he only has from you), and artificial support from a mental health caseworker, therapist, neurologist, and/or a psychiatrist.

Even though he has mental health needs from a non-mental illness, I think he has mental health needs that take away his ability to have a romantic relationship, at least temporarily.

Indeed... I have shutdowns more than I have meltdowns in that I'll just stop interacting with people, or I just won't say anything and I'll look extremely depressed or angry, but when I have a meltdown, I'll sometimes throw things, but never at my girlfriend, and I never try to harm her things. The fact that he already tries to tell you how to dress and everything says there's much more than aspergers involved here. He sounds to me like an abusive control freak.

edit: okay, I've read your second post, and apparently he's not necessarily abusive, at least not physically, but that's not the point. He shouldn't try to control every aspect of your life, and nobody should have to deal with that. It certainly seems to bother you quite a bit. Otherwise, you probably wouldn't have posted in the first place.

People with severe mental illnesses can have romantic relationships. Someone having a mental illness, or problems associated with a life-long condition like autism, does not exclude them from that possibility. It does mean they might not be able to fulfill all of the expectations of a relationship, but you don't break up with someone because they have broken their leg and can't dance with you--instead you call the ambulance so they can get their leg fixed. Even if they are being macho and insist that their leg is supposed to be bent at that weird angle.

I think you should separate from him and not marry him until he is able to get his rage/meltdowns under control. No doubt he has AS but he might also have another mental illness as, Callista said ,and he needs to get help and learn coping mechanisms before you start a life with him. If you're already living together then leave for a while and you can come back when he's a safe person to be around. If he never learns to control his anger then I think you should not ever be in a romantic relationship with him......you'll be abused......you won't be safe.

I understand that meltdowns can get extremely scary. I have had some real bad ones myself.

I believe that AS symptoms DO get worse with stress.

He has just lost his Mother...! !! ! This is a big factor!!

You also say he is under financial stress.

The intense need to control everything in his environment says to me that he is immensely stressed!

I believe he needs to address his stress. I agree that you need to be strong in communicating that his behaviour is unacceptable. It can be explained, but not excused. Does he understand, when he is calm, that his behaviour is wrong?

What helps him to relax?
How can he reduce his stress?
Can he take some time off to grieve the loss of his Mother?

For me, in situations such as this, I need MORE care and MORE reassurance from my partner than ever before. There is too much going on for me emotionally that I am completely overwhelmed about. I need to give myself a break and relax more. I need to find little ways to get back in control of some areas of my Life. And I need lots of hugs and love from my partner. Not judgement. The judgement scares me and makes me feel worse. I panic and have meltdowns. I need to know that he understands me. And I need to have my feelings validated. "You must be feeling so sad", or "Wow, you must feel angry about that" are basic examples. One of my triggers is being misunderstood and feeling like people are judging me. I feel annoyed at the feelings I am having as it is, but to have someone just validate them and let me feel like it is OKAY to be experiencing these feelings has a MASSIVE affect on me! It is almost like an instant switch, and then I can accept my partner's love and move on with what I need to do.

People in Life are very quick to advise others to end a marriage at the first sign of trouble. Marriages take work - through good times and bad, sickness and health. Although one should NEVER put up with domestic abuse, it is a good thing to try to work on issues together. You are team mates in Life You don't sound scared for your safety - though the mention of him handling you physically in public is a concern. It sounds like he is trying to get your attention, other than that.

edit: oops, just realised he is your fiance, not husband! Still, same advice from me

Last edited by analyser23 on 08 Oct 2012, 9:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.