A weird problem

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This may sound a little weird, but i guess this problem is probably a metaphor for bigger issues in my life, which is why something so stupid keeps tripping me up...

I am 30 years old, was undiagnosed until I was 20, and grew up in an unpredictable home with a bipolar mother and an alcoholic stepfather. there was no way to form any kind of ritual or routine at all. What minor ones I did like a certain brand of shampoo or soap, I would lose as soon as mom found something else. As a result, I grew up with no way to fight back the anxiety, but I learned to cope. I also learned that it was easier to avoid forming routines than to find one, rely on it, and then have to break it when either the product is discontinued or life happens or whatever. It's like small anxiety to use a different shampoo every time you buy a bottle or stop at a different gas station every time you stop for gas or go to bed at random times and get up at random times rather than major anxiety when its' bed time and you are in the middle of something and can't go to be then or the gas station shut down.

I'm a paramedic now, and my life isn't conductive to major routines so I tend to avoid even minor ones if at all possible. Which of course, drives my NT husband nuts. He is a calm, stable individual who likes routine and keeps telling me that it's ok for there to be small routines in life. The small town we moved to only has one good gas station, and we've set up a system for us and both our boys to each have our own color towel and our own place to hang it up, and we have dinner between 5 and 7 every night. But I don't know if I can take the risk of setting a more solid routine.

We could say that dinner is at 6 every night. But what if my stepson has a late academic team practice? And what about when I'm at work and on a run? I've found a certain kind of shower gel that I like. It makes my skin feel good and I love the smell (citrus berry, but not the nauseating berry you usually get...) and I could get attached to it. But what if I do and after I get it 3 times, they stop making it? Stuff like that is really stressful to me.

I just don't know what to do... Am I ready to give up a childhood coping mechanism? If I can, it would greatly reduce my anxiety, but on the other hand it could make it worse... It's hard to count on the world to be stable

Hi, I assume as a paramedic, your work schedule is different from week to week, right?

And your husband just needs to understand the importance of this entire subject to you. And it is hard for someone who didn't come from a chaotic family of origin to understand this, really, in their gut. Maybe tell your husband additional aspects without overwhelming him? Medium doses at any one setting.

And you, too, I guess medium steps on something you want to do, a possibly routine which feels promising enough, something like that. And I think it's okay for a person not really to have routines. Artists and writings sometimes live like this.

Yeah, my schedule changes week to week. And my husband doesn't push me to do this. He tries so hard to understand my innate weirdness, and is really good about it. Amazing actually for an NT. He always makes sure the blankets are turned the right way (a big thing of mine) and avoids cooking with pieces of onions or peppers or cuts them in big enough pieces that I can pick them out if it's chili or something (I like the taste but can't stand the texture as you bite into them...) and does his best to support my special interests (right now Stephen King, Dean Koontz, and the TV show Bones) and is learning to cope with my speech issues. We've only been married 5 months, so we're really doing pretty amazing for the length of time we've had to learn.

I am just having a hard time accepting that my world is something resembling stable now. After 20 years in a chaotic family, I then entered into a bad marriage with a man with intermittent explosive disorder, passive-aggressive tendencies (rewiring my truck so the lights and radio didn't work, moving my books around and hiding them, cancelling the satellite service so I couldn't watch my shows) and the worst narcissistic personality disorder I've ever seen. So for the first time ever, my life is actually stable. I read and hear about other Aspies maintaining routines and it helps reduce anxiety and maybe it would for me too. I need that badly.

Medium steps. I can do that. Maybe dinner between 5:30 and 6:30? And why not take a chance on a bottle of shower gel...? Not sure what I'll do if the gas station shuts down, it's a small town and it's the only one that sell premium gas, but that's a practical problem so I'll leave it for later...
Thanks

I have also done well at what on first blush would appear to be un-aspie activities: political activism, furniture sales, tax preparation, playing live poker in Las Vegas (please be careful on this last one, just like baseball there are big streaks in both directions, I feel lucky to have approximately broken even). Now, I need to gear up the energy, then I do need my down time.

I compliment you on leaving your abusive ex-husband. The baseline, for men, for women, for people in general, seems to be to stay in a bad situation. My dad is a bully and a disrespectful in a number of ways. My sister married a man similar to him who is marginally better. She has been married to him more than 20 years and seems stuck. And it's sad that my sister and I don't get along well.

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Okay, so your husband is learning you have sensory issues and that takes a little time.

The couple of relationships I've been in, I need a lot of alone time and not on schedule. For example, back in my teenage years when I was coming down off religion and starting to think about philosophy, I might get into a think period and then I might not know how long I need to re-enter the world. Or when I was studying philosophy in my twenties, after a reading session and/or a writing session or a walking and thinking session, I might potentially need a full day (usually not) to re-enter the world.