Paranoia/Trust Issues

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I was wondering if anyone on the ASD has ever had an issue with reading between the lines or trying to? The reason I ask is because I've had a lot of people play mind games with me in the past so now when I meet people (This applies to online people) and they make a comment or remark that could easily be read wrong I always assume that they are being passive aggressive and really have bad intentions, like they are using me or making a joke out of me or sometimes both? And then instead of staying quiet about it I drive forward with my assumption because of my fear of being seen as a fool because I always feel so certain that I am right. And not just about comments but if they say they are going to sleep and they stay online or they say they are going to be there at a certain day and time and their not. (Not crazy over the exact timing but who likes being stood up?)

It's like it gets to the point where I end up looking for reasons to hate each person I encounter because I always fear they are going to hurt me and I'd rather catch them before they catch me, you know kinda dump them first before they dump me? (I know sounds like a date thing but it's not.)

Is this common in an ASD? I know it sounds like paranoia but I'm wondering if anxiety is playing a big role in it as it seems the core of the problem is fearing being played for a fool. You know like being the joker card laid on the table and having the king and the queen laid on top of me. Sorry if I've asked about this before, my memory tends to not always work the best for me.

I seem to have this problem quite badly. I am unable to fully trust anyone 100% except for maybe my mom and dad. I'm sure it's a learned defense mechanism from being constantly screwed over in my past and only told what I wanted to hear at the time. I have learned that the only person you can really trust is yourself.

That's what I'm beginning to think myself. It's really disappointing but the one thing you can't lose is yourself and I think if you embrace that then nothing can take it away, you'll always have it.

I would like to say that, as a rule, thinking everyone in any group is all alike is a mistake, and that includes putting all the people of the world together into one group. That being said, I totally get where you're coming from. Betrayal sucks.

I've been lied to in big, hurtful ways. I've been disappointed in small ways that I've learned are part of being a person and that I have come to handle better over time. I've also disappointed others by not being what they wanted of me in some way, so I know everybody can do things others don't like.

I suggest continuing to try to sort this out. Some people, like me, have poor time management skills and really struggle to be on time. I also have fibromyalgia and can unexpectedly feel unwell and have to change plans or not make them in the first place. Others have their own reasons why they might let someone down.

As for being online, my observation is that for Aspies, being online makes communication easier by letting us explain ourselves well, and we tend more to say what we mean. NTs, on the other hand, find the lack of extra information that goes with text instead of face-to-face makes communication harder. Also, some of them are spoiling for a fight and will apparently deliberately misunderstand or get mean. And then, of course, there are those who take advantage of not being seen, and they will lie and such to accomplish their nasty aims. So, of course, one has to be careful. Now, recalling my original point, this is not always so, for either group to be as I just described.

I wouldn't mind having all this be easier. Put together the trust issue (which a certain amount of Aspie-related paranoia and anxiety can make worse - though just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you), with the matters of eye contact, trying to keep people from trying to touch you, processing and memory issues, sensory overload, and trying not to make social mistakes, and dealing with people can be really exhausting! NTs generally have no idea what this is like!

Keep trying. I've learned a lot over the years. Some things will always be bad. Sometimes you can be fooled again. But some stuff can be learned, and things can get better. I'd say, don't worry if people think you're a fool. NTs can be fooled, too. Be kind to others whenever possible. If they're bad, they'll eventually trip themselves up. If they're good and you've simply misunderstood them, you'll eventually get enough information to find out. If they're good but flawed, you'll figure that out, too.

For any person, on the spectrum or not, being with people and trusting them is risky. I get to know most people lightly, so that the harm they can do, and the overload I can feel even if they're good, are minimized. Depend on yourself. But don't discount the possibility that others can be doing the right thing or making innocent mistakes. The truly bad people are not really so many in number. If you keep the right distance, you can enjoy what's good and not sacrifice it all while also protecting yourself but not totally. Only you can figure out the right balance, and it takes time, I'm sorry to have to report. But you can do it. Good luck to you!

Thank you for such a thoughtful post and thank you for the effort you put into writing it. You do make a lot of sense and I do realize navigating the social world can be one of the most confusing worlds to navigate. Sometimes I think mars would be easier to explore. I just know that I've been burned by so many people but I tend to be really sensitive as a person and when it comes to online friendships which tended to be easier for me I used to always give my all and put my entire self into it. These days I always try to keep a certain distance, kind of like how siblings put the tape along the room to designate their sides, their zones so to speak and I find that it helps but I feel like I'm being a little less real when I do that because I tend to be more thoughtful in everything I say or do rather than just naturally letting it come from me so at times it feels like an act. And then there are times it feels like one persons playing the game and then I add the distance and start playing the game with them and we end up doing this dance waiting for one or the other to trip up just so one of us can go off on the other and be the good guy.

I guess a major thing for me is just trying to let go of what was done to me in the past and stop thinking that everything that happens is relative to that and to keep a safe distance is good and healthy so long as I'm not using it in any sort of a manipulative way and maybe trying to find a different sort of people to associate with. I've just kinda dug myself into a rut in my online life and I kinda have to find a way to sort of rebuild a positive space because it's sure easier to get social gratification online than it is in real life. I also totally agree with the online thing about expressing yourself. I have one friend I talk to that I know I can always trust, known her for seven years. I can go into total rants in instant messages with her and then if we get on the phone I just totally lock up and don't want to express anything, I just lose the words and then I lack the confidence and suddenly feel like a bother or that it's silly. I think it has something to do with having time to think about what you're going to type where as you don't really have that when vocally speaking unless you do the movie thing and do the dramatic pauses but even then you only have a few seconds.

Medication has helped a lot with my anger issues with people but I've kinda gotten off the rail recently and I'm trying to get regulated again. I've been therapy with a psychiatrist for nearly two years now and briefly did counseling for a few months four years ago and was in counseling as a teenager but this is the first time I've actually stuck to it and taken it seriously. It's helped a lot because I feel like I've kinda been going through that soul searching phase, that general feeling of being lost and trying to just work with what I had which wasn't much but I had progressed and I kinda feel like all that progress over the course of this year has all just kind of fallen apart just when it was all starting to come together. (And when I say progress I only mean in my online life which is part of my special interest so actual progress as far as real life has FAR to go)

Everything just kinda feels like start over now, as if the progress of the past two years never even happened, it's just all come undone and I'll admit that it's devastating.

I have paranoia. But I got somehow used to it. Sometimes I'd relate things to me that are not at all meant for me or I'd even perceive something very unreasonable as somehow true. It is not that uncommon I think.
I am though not really sure if that has something to do with anxiety. Anxiety is much worse. Paranoia tend t be more unreal and funny
Is probably more a sensory issue. But there is some connection to expectations... maybe ...

Realityasatoy, I'm glad my post helped. I think you'll be okay. It may help to remember that we have on/off emotions, so that, when we feel a certain way, such as anxious or untrusting, it seems like it's the only way to feel - ever - as if no other feelings existed or were at all possible in the world, just because it's how we feel right then. If you can keep that in mind, you'll have something to help you on an intellectual level when your feelings might otherwise overcome you. So, in other words, when you feel untrusting, try to remember that you've felt genuine, justified trust at other times, just as you've recalled it in your recent post, in reference to the friend you've had for seven years. But don't push yourself. It's okay to feel the way you feel. Just don't make commitments to actions based on feelings that will pass. So, let yourself feel the untrusting and disappointed feelings. Don't push them away. Accept them for what they are, and they will pass by on their own. Commit to actions when you feel better and can make better decisions. Recall that there are other feelings, though, while you wait. See the difference? It's not denial or pressuring yourself. It's maintaining a balanced view while having strong feelings. That's okay to do. And, if you forget to keep the balanced view, don't be angry or upset with yourself. You'll remember the balanced view later, as soon as you're able. You can only do what you can do, nothing more. So, don't feel bad about having feelings.

I have an issue with that myself, and sometimes it can be hard to tell when I am right about people playing mind games or manipulating or worse or not.