Rage

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Does anyone else feel sheer unadulterated rage for being cheated of the freedoms that people without aspergers have? The ease in acquiring these things? I've found myself so angry at the unrelenting torment I've received over my 32 year life span with bullying in schools, in my own home and my own unnecessarily hard struggles thanks to such filth I've been born with. I've even done so much as to completely renounce any christ like figure considering if this christ existed, it could have prevented me from being born so afflicted and crippled in regards to finding my own way in life. Surely if there is any god, they see fit to laugh at the feebleness of his/her creations, especially those of which born with such extreme and insurmountable illnesses and problems in general.

My main point here being though, I have so much rage for my shortcomings due to being punished even before birth with such vile and crippling afflictions. My lifetime has been riddled with SO MUCH trauma and torment because of this. I hate being so full of rage as it is crippling my relationships with my family, but every day that I wish in vain to wake and somehow be rid of such sickness, yet this dream never is granted. I'm cursed to walk this earth with so much struggle piled upon my back until my spine shatters in a metaphorical sense. I want to be free of ALL of it and the pain as well as anger yet I do not know how.

I'm more frustrated and depressed than ragey. I hate not having anywhere I belong, where other people share my interests and way of thinking. I'd probably have an easier time of it if I was not so focused on educational pursuits and could instead be entertained by pop culture or sports. I can't though. Is it bad that I would rather go on Kahn Academy and re-learn calculus than watch a baseball game? Sometimes I feel that it is, and so that is why I am so alienated.

no. i don't. i understand and accept what i cannot do and what i'm able to.

what can't you do, what are you so deprived of that you so strongly feel the need or desire to do that causes you to be enraged?

why, if you cannot overcome your problems, do you not learn to accept your problems and make efforts to be content in ways that compensate for what you feel is bad?

to me, raging only serves one purpose: to force me to find solutions to the problems which cause me to be so upset.


have you ever heard of the saying "let go of the past"? perhaps it might do you some benefit to not concentrate so much on your shortcomings and seek to enhance and nourish your abilities and good qualities.

Because of my struggles, I have not yet gotten a license due to the doubt in my abilities to be able to drive. I still live with my parents because of my tangled mess of emotions that keep me from being organized enough to get a job or be able to deal with my negative thoughts in a more sociable manner and I understand they both resent me to some extent for my caustic nature, yet I've such an awful time maintaining it at times. I'm not physically abusive or anything severe, I'm just very bitter and sometimes my being snippy or antisocial is a deterrent. They've often told me that no one could stand being in my presence for very long due to my nature which leaves me feeling as though I must be quite a vile person to tolerate and probably realistically so. I'm pretty much aware that once they are gone, that my abilities will not be enough to sustain my being able to live as any normal person might dream of, unless I somehow get resources to help with such dilemmas that my small country town is so feeble in having for people with my issues.

I can still do laborious and menial tasks and quite generally have a decent perspective regarding reality and how things work. All the same though, I've got enough intelligence to realize my setbacks and problems and understand how screwed such illnesses have left me in terms of living as normally as any human being should be able to.

I liken this illness to being a noose around my neck in terms of stealing away any chance at a normal life.

I used to be angry a lot. Angry because I felt like a victim. A victim of bullies, of circumstance or genetics or what ever. I was angry at myself for my shortcomings. At some point I started to realize that most of the bullies had it worse than me and that there are a lot of people that have much more working against them that are making good lives for themselves. That my circumstances aren't that bad. I forgave everyone, the world, the bullies and myself.

You have to ask yourself. Do you want to be a victim and let the world hold that power over you or do you want to take that power yourself?

I will add a thought:

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's study of death and dying revealed that one of the stages of loss and grief is anger. I don't know what the popular school of thought is on the matter at present, but my understanding is people can move through any or all of the stages, revisit stages, and the stages last different times for everyone. Acceptance may or may not happen and I don't know that is has to. Maybe then, combined with the AS trait (yes, I know there will always be exceptions) of sensitivity to fairness/unfairness combined with the fact that you have been treated unfairly and have challenges due to AS which do make living in an NT world more difficult, maybe this is part and parcel of loss and grief. What I am saying then, is that this may be a reasonable response given all the factors involved. That being said, it is still something that needs addressing as it is interfering with your life. Maybe first by validating your losses, your struggles, and your intense anger. It might be to say: I'm right, so what now? To that, I don't know what to say as I am working on the 'what now' myself. Today I don't know the answer, but I am keeping my mind on the question in as much as I am capable of doing so. I try to ask myself in an inquisitive, searching manner because I can get awfully intense with that very question. I am a believer in small steps. Also, I've kind of made up my own quasi-eastern-mystic way of doing things and I light a candle and incense to 'honor my grief'. I'm not good with emotions and this act seems to make them into something tangible and actually gives me comfort.

What are your interests?

I can identify with your situation. My strongest emotions always have been: fear, anger and shame and my whole life has revolved around these.
Many think you're not trying enough when some things are nearly impossible or too hard to change. For this reason I stopped to believe in free will because no matter how hard I tried it always returned to the same situation. And I think this cognitive bias should be abolished from our mentality because it is the main cause of intolerance in our society. People take pride in their actions which are nothing but some chemical processes in their bodies and unfairly blame others who might be just wired differently. Sometimes it is your environment who makes you to stagnate and rarely you have any 'choice' to change it.

However, I've learnt that autosuggestion can be really powerful sometimes if it goes along with a proper diet. And try to avoid bad thinking.

PS. I know that what I wrote might sound insane to some but I don't care so please don't bother to argue against me cuz I have no desire to prove my points.

I'd describe myself more as just being fed up and disillusioned with society and mankind in general. Mankind didn't USED to be so hostile, suspicious, and cutthroat, but somehow it's come to that point, and there doesn't appear to be any going back.

Yes, I feel for ya too. Maybe it's also because of what LtlPinkCoupe said.