Lacking empathy, or simply just emotionless... it's not good

Post Reply New Topic

I don't have aspergers or autism, but I really lack empathy
Like, If a family member died I wouldn't even cry. I would feel sad, but not seriously sad. (I love my mom, I just wouldn't feel much emotion)
I remember I was lucky because my grandfather was so nice that he used to give me $100 as a gift for my birthday and for Christmas each year, but a few years ago he passed away. I know you may think this is not normal, but I feel more down about the fact that I'm not getting the money anymore. If somebody had a problem, i might be able to feel sorry for them, but I definitely wouldn't be able to feel their pain. I would probably just sit there with a neutral expression on my face When a really young baby dies (under 6 months) I'd say something like "aww that's sad, but the parent's can make another child", and when an animal dies, I feel pretty much nothing because there's millions of them on earth so what's the big deal if one dies.. And another weird thing is that if like there's a comercial on TV for like a recalled drug or something and they say that people died from it, I start laughing/chuckling. I know death is serious, but I kinda can't help it. If I could trade places with an NT for a day so that I could feel empathy that would be so cool, but unfortunately I can't.

I know I probably seem emotionally cold, but I don't do this on purpose believe me!

I feel kinda weird for posting this for all to read but I figured, this is Wrong Planet, everyone here is different. Can empathy or feeling emotion be taught/learned?
I just want to know if anyone is like me.

Last edited by hey_there on 01 Nov 2012, 2:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

That is concerning to me. AFAIK there are two different types of empathy, "emotional" empathy which is the standard type, and "cognitive" which is the less known type, which many of us exercise. I know what it's like to think there is something wrong with me because, for example, I'm not visibly as sad as the rest of my family at a funeral, but I still have the emotions nonetheless. I just don't use empathy in any decision making at all, and end up hurting people in ways they can't possibly believe i didn't mean.

Yeah, I'm a bit concerned too. I mean not crying as much as others isn't bad, but feeling no emotion at all is a problem! hmm... I've found through some google searches that this is a trait of Schizoid personality disorder though.... Can a person have some traits of aspergers co morbidly with some traits of a personality disorder?

The sadness people feel when an animal dies doesn't exist in every culture, so clearly that empathy is taught. Maybe you can try to teach yourself empathy by enforcing a sad feeling on yourself when you think you should be sad. After a while you might internalise that response and it'd be like natural empathy.

That is if you want to have empathy, because as long as you know when you're supposed to feel sad and can fake it, there's no reason why you should have any problems living without it.

Even NT people learn that sometimes they have to pretend an emotion they don't feel in order to be socially appropritate.

For example, when a distant relative of mine died, my parents were not that upset over it and their main concern was all the hassle of sorting out the will, property, organising the funeral, sorting out the finances, etc. It was sort of shocking to me that this was clearly what they were most upset about, and not the actual loss of the person. It shocked me also that whenever other family were involved they'd switch to saying all the expected things - about how it was so sad, etc.

So even if you don't feel the emotions you think you should all the time, it's not necessarily that uncommon. It is important to learn what's expected though. Not that you always have to put on an act and hide your real feelings (or lack of them), but there are times when it's necessary.

My own emotions seem to get mixed up sometimes. I've noticed that I cry uncontrollably whenever I am angry. Even if I'm just a bit frustrated and know it's no big deal, I just can't stop the tears coming. I'm far more likely to cry from frustration than from sadness, which seems weird to me.

Empathy is a bit different from being a feeling, I think. Empathy is the ability to recognise and understand other people's feelings, rather than an emotion in itself. I often can't relate to people at all - I can't imagine what it's like to be them or feel what they're feeling. Again, this isn't something specific to AS/Autism, I don't think. If someone's in a situation you've never been in yourself, it's understandable you don't really know what it's like for them. But empathy allows us at least to recognise that someone is feeling something even though we are not feeling it ourselves. Or, alternatively, empathy allows us to recognise that someone else is feeling something as well as us.

Sometimes empathy involves really feeling the pain of someone else - really being able to imagine what they're experiencing. I don't think that's something you can really learn to do. But you can learn to recognise and respect other people's feelings. I think that's what's important for getting along. Remembering that other people have feelings too, and may not always feel the same way as you.

Some people - again people without autism - do have a morbid sense of humour. You mentioned laughing at recalled drugs... some people do laugh about things like that. Though it's critical to be able to distinguish whether it's permissable in a given context. Like if there's someone present who was directly affected, then it's simply not appropriate (and might be worrying if you still found it funny in that situation).

You also mentioned not caring about animals. I get terribly emotional when it comes to animals. I actually read this is common in females with Asperger's. I think it's because they seem innocent somehow. Some people would think it inappropriate that I may even be more likely to me moved by the death of an unknown animal than hearing about the death of an unknown person. It is a bit concerning if you literally don't care at all - if you don't recognise that they are sentinent beings capable of suffering. Not that you have to get worked up over them, but recognising suffering is important.

I think that's when you have to worry it's a problem. If you can't even recognise the feelings of others. You don't have to fully understand and be able to feel what others feel, but you have to have awareness - and from your post it does sound like you at least recognise appropriate and inappropriate reactions. The other thing I'd worry about is if you don't feel anything yourself. Sometimes you may not, for example, feel grief when someone dies because that person wasn't really someone you had a meaningful relationship with. Or you may not get upset over a tragic story on the news because it's just too distant from your own life. But if nothing in your life is afecting you, it may be a problem.

I don't really know what empathy means half the time. I believe most people have selective empathy, because if everybody naturally had empathy for everyone in this Earth, then the world would be a wonderful place. Instead there is selfishness and greed, which makes me sick.

I have emotion at funerals, I can say. The last funeral I went to was someone I had only met once, he was the brother of my mum's friend, so I went along with my mum to support her friend. I was in an extremely happy mood before I got there because my favourite bus-driver had flirted with me in a way that made my day, but at the funeral, I had tears that came uncontrollably, especially when they played some of his favourite music and his sister and his dad gave a speech. His mum couldn't because she was too devastated, and it made me cry even more when I saw her face.

I am a very emotional person. I just find it more hard to feel happy for people when they achieve something that I haven't got, like if they get a job or a relationship or something. I find I fill up with envy and then become very down because I try harder than them especially to get a job and I haven't gotten anywhere. I just don't have much joy for other people, but I do have a hell of a lot of sympathy so if somebody was struggling to find a job then I could easily hand them a big bucket full of sympathy and empathy for them.

i could not give a rats arse about what people think. if they do not impede my progress, then they are free to travel on their way.

Laughing when people die is not feeling no emotion, it is just feeling something else other than sadness.

I agree that most people use selective empathy. Example being schadenfreude. How in the hell one justifies being happy at another's misfortune that has absolutely no basis in reality is beyond me. I may not be empathetic, but at least I am not shackled by the dark side of it, ie. jealousy, envy, etc. The things people will do/think about others that have what they covet for one reason or another is simply beyond bizarre, it is as if every single human being has a dormant case of ASPD inside them that comes out to play whenever somebody possesses what they don't have.

Empathy can be learned, but it takes a VERY long time. Most people have bits and pieces of it, because how can a person understand everyone's feelings? When my grandfather died, I was playing my video game, and I put it on pause to say goodbye, and then after he died I went back to playing my game. I felt sad, but it was more nervousness than sadness. I was nervous because I didn't know what was going on.

That's not true because then people in a country where it's "taught" would all feel the same, which is obviously not the fact.

Empathy is not taught, and there are people like me who can feel genuine empathy and compassion for animals and nature -- for instance, it makes me cry when trees are felled for another superfluous shopping mall -- but I don't care about humans and the fuss they are making around their own species.

Also, there are (NT) people who are able to feel a lot of affection for small children but lose interest when those kids grow older. Therefore, the only aspect that can be taught about it is how we show respectively hide what we truly feel.