My apologies for starting what may already be an old topic but i feel like im at the end of my rope and ready to jump off!
Wrong Planet.. a very fitting name for the way im feeling, wrong planet, wrong family... wrong lifetime even. First of all, i am so glad i have somewhere i can vents my thoughts to other people that may understand, or have a clue a to what may be happening. i dont even know where to begin because its all spining round in my head but here goes..Heres the story.. my mother, though i love her, as she gets on in age she is becoming more and more intolerable. Shes not officially diagnosed as being having Aspergers, but as time goes on im trying to find explanations for her behaviour. She is capable of showing emotion, though its at uber degrees. when me and my brother (who btw i feel has abusive narcissistic behaviours of his own) were younger she was physically and verbally abusive.. and still is. Things HAVE to be her way, its her way or the high way and if she doesnt get her way she will throw a hissy fit or a tantrum and gets mad. it is very difficult to try and communicate things with her because its like walking on eggshells, you cannot joke with her or play around with her because she will take things personally. When shes like this it feels as if i cant have feelings of my own, i cant show anger, or sadness or frustrations because then SHE will get angry and sometimes it feels like my feelins dont matter, arent important or recognised.. almost like i have no right to even feel or show emotion around her. i remember always being the "sensitive" or "delicate one". I also feels as if she cannot just have a moment of peace, like shes nit picking, or looking for an argument or a fight. She has no friends and firmly believes in "there are no such thing as friends," she rarely goes along to invites she receives at work. She is OCD with cleaning, she cleans everyday, even if the house is clean shell clean, if i clean the house shell come along behind me and clean. she also behaves extremely inappropriate for her age sometimes almost childlike in the tantrums she throws and the ensuing "ignoring" phase she puts you through wen shes annoyed. as an example, we were in a movie theatre and the movie was about to begin and she leaned over to say something to me and she said it quite loudly... i proceeded to remind her to sssh a little bit and to whisper to me what she wanted to say.. this was enough to ruin the rest of the movie .. and evening for me. in hindsight, shes always been that way and i can recall people staring at her or even looking at us abit funny because shes abit too loud or extravagant in her speech or language. i can also distinctly remember thinking she doesnt walk the same way other people do, shes kind of bouncy with her hands behind her back (i asked her why she does that, you know wouldn't it be easy for a thief to run up behind you and yank your purse your holding in your hands if your clasping it behind your back?). Shes a very intelligent woman, for such such an educated woman i wonder why she remains so ignorant to the rest of the world and not open to new ideas or possibilities.. she can never just accept that there "maybe" it either is or isnt.
Im just trying to think, why she can be so nasty or nit picky, critical, judgemental... why shes innapropriate in her interactions with people and her behaviour for being a mother and a 50 year old woman. This aspergers thought began after she told me her mum used to tell her that when she was a baby/toddler she used to just sit there and bang her head against the wall or something....
Wrong Planet.. maybe even wrong forum... i just dont know, theres so much but i cant think straight, so ill post what i can now... Give me your thoughts, opinions, anything, i know life isnt linear and there are causes behind reasons and all that but like i said, i just dont know where else to go
06 Nov 2012, 2:50 am
