Unhelpful advice you've been given.

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So I've had some very unhelpful advice from people who don't really get the aspergers. Thought I'd share. Please feel free to add.

'Just watch for body language. Then you can tell if you're boring people'
'I find night clubs loud too. Just tune it out'
'Just be normal'
'It won't hurt you to wear this' holding a scratchy irritating jumper'
'Dont be strange'
'Socialise better and you'll get along better'

- "That's quite normal - lots of people do that" - This was from my councelor who I hoped would know better.

- "It doesn't change anything really, You're still the same person" - Well meaning but utterly missing the point that my understanding of the world, myself and the rest of society has to be largely rebuilt at the age of 30.

- "Everyone is a bit autistic - it's a spectrum" - Yes, by all means, trivialise my lifelong stress and suffering.

"Just throw your shoulders back and stand straight and you'll look confident" Yeah, you try living with overwhelming back and neck pain that causes.
"Everyone is socially awkward" So I guess everyone has no friends either. Interesting I didn't know that!
"Just try X food and you'll like it" Nevermind the fact I tried X food eight times, all with the same unpleasant result.

Or if you REALLY want me to get angry

"Everyone is bullied" Complete utter BS. Nobody and I mean NOBODY at my school came close to enduring what I went through.

"It's not a big deal, we are just going to do this differently"

"Can you stop bouncing your leg?!"

"Why are you getting so upset, no one else is?"

"Stop being so shy"

"Come on let's go out, there will be a ton of people, you'll have fun"

and on and on and on

"Just talk about people who are not in the room" WHY??? Because that will make me look cool?

"Just talk about whatever" I've tried that. Doesn't work.

"Just show interest in the other person" I am. I still don't know what to say. Apparently it's my job to entertain this person. How can I show interest in someone who is so boring that I have to do all the talking? Humans are reactive, not proactive. And I have a hard enough time with knowing what to react to.

"Just make it up as you go along" What am I, a con artist? And if someone wants me to make it up, then why are we talking???

"Don't be stupid" I guess I can't help it.

Here's one on asking women out "You need to take charge" Take charge of what? Her? The conversation? (We've all tried THAT) The situation? I DON'T KNOW THE SITUATION!! I don't even think SHE knows the situation! Nobody knows the situation! "Well, make it up..." Here we go again.

"Calm down" I am calm. You aren't.

"Go with the flow" I can't swim, remember??

"Smile"
"Cringe"
"Laugh"
"Frown"
"Left"
"Right"
"Up"
"Down"
"Don't you mumble"
"Not so loud"
"Focus better"
"Slow down"
"Be happy"
"Don't be a freak"
"Say what you feel"
"Think before you speak"


The two hardest things for me (and I think anyone with AS) are context and timing. I'm not sure what to do, and when to do it, and how to recognize when to do it. Conversation for its own sake makes me want to vomit. Isn't the whole point of talking to go do something? If I wanted to talk to myself, I'd leave myself a voicemail. And if I want to do something by myself, I'll shoot hoops or read a book.

"Treat others how you'd like to be treated."
"Don't be angry here,"
"Protests never solved anything."
"I don't see how that's a problem" - when asking if they'll stop screeching, slamming a bus seat, scraping chairs against the ground, etc. Yet when I am doing fun things, such as moving around on a wheeled chair, I'm the as*hole.

Pretty much anything that presumes I'm an NT extrovert. It's weird the way some people with their theory of mind and their natural empathy can make assumptions like that. I have to work at it, and I don't assume everybody is like me. Maybe I don't make assumptions precisely because I have to work at it.

It's very irritating to be told I just have to lose my shyness, dive in, get involved, find a crowd and lose myself in it... No. That's exhausting and I won't enjoy it. Besides, I'm not shy; I'm introverted. There's a big difference. Just because they like crowds and parties and excitement, doesn't mean I don't--and, more importantly, doesn't mean that my lack of enjoyment is something I should regret and try to change.

'Just be yourself!'. Er, no.

I would say the absolute worst advice given to me throughout my growing years was "you have so much potential, you just need to try harder."
i suppose it never occured to the adults around me that I was trying my hardest, and was not, in fact, lazy. Intellectually as a child I usually surpassed grade level, but maintaining intrest in something i had no intrest in, attempting to concentrate when there were 25 other kids sitting around making a bunch of little noises, and sitting still when i felt like jumping out of my skin made it impossible to perform at that level. Never mind my occasional inability to put what i am thinking into words.
it led me to feel that if I ever failed or there was ever something I just couldnt do (as is ought to happen with anyone), it was obviously my fault for not trying hard enough. Talk about the ultimate self-esteem demolisher.
also, the suggestion to "be nicer" to other people to make more friends. It confused me because I was always trying to be nice to everyone, and I was the one being picked on relentlessly.

at the end of the day, the mature side of me understands they were only trying to be helpful and offering advice from their point of view. But they say we lack theory of mind? Lol

Run away from any advice that starts with "everyone"...

I would, and have, tell/told people who dispense that advice that "you can't generalize."
Their response was equally if not more indignant: "Look, it's just advice. You take it if you want to, nobody can force you to."
Apparently, it's also an unwritten social rule that if someone offers lame advice, you accept it with a smile, you don't contest it openly (just quietly to yourself). Even if it makes you look like a fool.

The one I found was really, really lame was "stop over-analyzing things, just go with the obvious". Just a polite way of saying "you have no 'common sense', and your compensating strategy is invalid." I've also had this line from manipulative bullies who don't want me to uncover their agenda, so that makes this advice even less palatable

I have too many to list but the big one is:

"You're just not trying"/"You're just not trying hard enough"

That one gets me more frustrated than any of the others because I can't get it
through other people's head that it's not about trying, it's about capability.

They don't get it...

"Gee ... for such a smart guy, you sure can be stupid. Have you tried just not being so stupid?"

I haven't spoken to that person for over 30 years.

it's okay. When having a meltdown it just makes it worse.

you should stop taking your meds and try these herbal supplements instead.

One that really hurt was a long time ago, teenage years. I showed my mom my report card from school. She said "you can do better". It hurt because I really was doing the best I could. She also told me things like "be a man". This was her way of providing "motivation".

"Try this one instead" - they're basically the same.
"Just go to sleep./Get up on time." -medical issue

AND my favorite
"Develop a thicker hide" <
-Advise on how to deal with bullies, who I was already trying to ignore except I was pretty sure I was going to have a violent meltdown on them (on my bus nonetheless), from the safety advocate.

And (not technically advise, but:
*person stares at you and you wonder why* then they say "Stop doing (insert whatever)"
-I have AS person, which you know!