Feeling dissatisfied with my current therapy. Am I right?

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In the last few months, I've been seeing a therapist. My current job almost destroyed me emotionally, due to the excessive demands and the 24/7/365 on-call requirement. It was bad enough that I was throwing up at work and having nightmares multiple times a week. I was able to get that all remedied, by getting a lawyer and a psychiatrist involved. They worked together to come up with a strategy to improve my work environment. (I won't disclose the details, for obvious reasons.) This went extremely well: my workload is barely 50% of what it once was, I sleep very well, and my boss even seems slightly afraid of me. Instead of putting me through verbal abuse and having people call my personal phone at all hours of the day, pretty much all he says now is "good morning", "good night", and "please do [whatever]", and people are now prohibited from calling me anywhere other than my desk phone. I have to take anti-anxiety medications to control the anxiety I experience simply from being in my office building, but the medication helps a a lot.

Still, I decided to give talk therapy another shot, after completely losing trust in it at age 13 (I'm now 29), and scheduled my first appointment with a psychologist. I thought I'd benefit from doing both talk therapy and medication. A few months later, I'm feeling mildly dissatisfied with the therapy I'm getting. Now, he's not a bad therapist. He talks to me as an equal, or at least a semi-equal, and he respects my request not to use the Rogerian method (that's the one with "how did that make you feel?"). And we even had some really nice conversations about the time I took flying lessons on a Cessna 172. But he seems to have his own agenda, and doesn't have a good understanding of what I really went through, although he agrees that it's a horrible work environment. (My lawyer and my psychiatrist agreed as well; my parents, however, said I whine too much.) He says that the anxiety I'm feeling is something I'm doing to myself (to summarize his explanations), and has a strong liking of the term "cognitive distortion". His solutions for my anxiety? (1) For me to have a closer relationship with my parents and other relatives. (He had no clue about how I was treated a kid, and I already feel uncomfortable sharing the details.) (2) For me to settle down and have a family of my own. (Umm, hello! I'm planning to be childfree, and probably never get married either, by choice.) And (3) for me to find a way to love my job. (Are you f'ing kidding me?) Clearly, his thinking is way out in the left field, and totally unfitting for my situation. I'll probably cut my losses and politely terminate therapy at the next session.

I'm very unpleasantly surprised by such a negative experience I had in talk therapy this year. It's practically a repetition of the bad therapy experience I had at age 13, only this time, I didn't the therapist as an authority figure; heck, he's only a few years older than me. And it's a very unpleasant change of pace, after the super-positive experiences I had working with my psychiatrist and lawyer. The lawyer's approach was: here's what's being done wrong, the laws are such and such, here are your options. And the psychiatrist's approach was: you have work-induced anxiety, here's your medication, here'd what needs to change at your work. But the therapist's approach was way out in the left field, unrealistic, and almost patronizing.

Am I in the right here? Or am I just "whining" and should stay the course try my therapist's solutions after all?

Sounds awful?

I did not know that the "and how do you feel by that" had a name. Would not work on me

I have only been to two psychologist a few times.
The first one was all about: How was your childhood etc. Horrible experience
The second one was very nice and talking about techniques to improve things (not really talking about the details that caused my problems). The second one was the best, she was actually quite good, but, quite a few of the methods that apparently work on NT´s do not work on me (no, it is no good to tell me to try and take extra time to look at the details in my environment and enjoy them - I have done that my whole life!)

Go find somebody better.

Well if you feel dissatisfied with your therapist you should find a new one..................you are paying a lot of money to see this person....................

I had a therapist that I was similarly dissatisfied with. After repeated attempts to get her to understand what I want and expect from her, I fired her and hired an Aspergers specialist. The difference is like night and day. I've heard some people say that they've had to try as many as 6 different therapists before they found one that helped them. I guess if the end result of trying different therapists is getting what you need, than it's worth the headache.

This is normal

If I had a penny for every therapist they sent me to in the 80's
Let me tell you how that makes me feel!
You need to find a therapist that will actually help you not listen to you.

You are having a hard time at work because on one hand your head has the ability to work 7/24/365
But your body does not and that leads to exhaustion and anxiety. You must smell the roses, Take a walk in the park or on a beach.

I have been there and feel your pain. The job does appreciate you. because nobody besides a person with AS can do it. They know that but they were using you and the more you let it go the worse it gets. Because we cant stand up for ourselves it just gets worse and worse until POP we have a meltdown.

In the past I walked from jobs like that, but this economy is terrible and I suggest you hang in there.
You need to practice ways to address these people. Which is easy for me to say I'm in construction so I choke the snot out of em In the past smoking helped me the most but I quit and it's a disgusting habit nobody likes.
now I tend to use my lack of empathy to get even in very original ways.

I suggest you tell the therapist it isn't working out.
Be ready for the GOOD LUCK as if your not going to make it without him. They know how to piss us off.
The problem is you need a therapist With Aspergers. not for Aspergers

I'm newly in therapy this time around. In my younger days, I had totally ineffective therapy, though they meant well. I went in every time feeling like I was leading myself, as a lamb, to the slaughter. Now I feel so good and comfortable, I have to deal with he fact that how I feel in the moment is not necessarily all the reality there is, even though it seems like my whole world. So, I have to keep a notebook of the things that trouble me in between visits, so I don't run the risk of always saying I'm fine. But the notebook works, and I feel good about the start we've had. Ask me again in a while, and we'll see how more sessions have gone, but I think the outlook is good (to quote the old 8 ball).

It really is as lady_katie says. You need someone who specializes. I don't know what I'd do otherwise, always trying to educate a therapist about the very thing I need help with! Of course someone who knows nothing substantial about Asperger's isn't going to understand why you feel a way they think they wouldn't feel!

This is exactly what happened at my work. They were abusing me, only instead of getting mad, I got even. I got my lawyer and my psychiatrist involved, and after they did their part, my boss had no choice but to radically alter my work environment. (I'd share what exactly was done, but my lawyer prohibited me from sharing any further details publicly; yes, it's that serious.) So, the result is that now my boss is the one afraid of me. I keep him on his toes by occasionally mentioning "general malaise". I'm happy, and he..., well, who cares about him.

I'll give my therapist the benefit of doubt and say that he's just plain misguided. He's under the impression that I can will my anxiety away (that is, use my willpower to eliminate it) if I try hard enough. That or delude myself enough times that everything is peachy keen and make the anxiety go away like that. Maybe works for NTs, but definitely not for me. I guess I'm just too smart for therapy, because my sense of smell is as strong as a dog's when it comes to smelling BS. I wonder why exactly this type of therapy works for NTs.

I think I'll do one of these things at the next session, when I'll do some closing discussions and politely terminate the therapy. (1) I'll feed him a bunch of lines about how I thought about what he said, and found a way two make his methods work, so he'll be happy he did his job and I'll be happy not to come back. Or (2) I'll give the usual break-up style speech; you know the "hey listen, it's not you, it's me" kind, where I'll explain that his suggestions failed time and time again. Then stand my ground and refuse to return.

It can take a while to find the right therapist. Very few therapists know how to deal with adult AS. I had to fire one shrink who just didn't get it at all and found one who admitted he knew little about adult AS but was very good at getting depression under control. I eventually found a therapist who was not an expert in adult AS but was able to help me deal with many issues I was facing. I know longer need either of them but not clicking with a therapist is common.

It's not exactly therapy if they are invalidating your feelings and telling you that you need to change! I would stop seeing them immediately. You don't have to pay someone to feel worse about yourself, there are plenty of people out there who will do that to you for free!

If you are going to pay someone, you need to have confidence in them and feel that they are helping you. That's not to say that you are paying them to just agree with everything you say and to validate your behaviours that do need working on.

I would find a specialist, or at least have an in-depth discussion with any proposed therapist to see what their approach is before starting a futile course of therapy with them.

That actually isn't necessary. All termination of therapy requires is that you inform his office you will no longer be needing their service. You can do it at the front desk with the receptionist or over the phone even. They may or may not ask you to provide a reason. You don't have to answer that question at all, but if you want to be cordial about it, simply say you intend to try a different therapist.

Think of a therapists as... let's say, as barbers/hair dressers. They're professionals and your relationship is a part of their job. You don't have to break-up with them, as such. Don't worry about that.

In your search for a new one, maybe see if you can find someone who is experienced with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I find the specificity of that therapy style to be more effective than the talky talky let's blame our parents and our childhood for everything type of deal.

Therapy is a game, a very long game, and first the therapist has to teach you a whole vocabulary, and world view. Then you have to reject that viewpoint, and then you and the therapist have to analyze why you are being that way.

It's like going to Zen Go school for years, where they teach you the game... and all the complexities, but you never win a game... you just learn to play well.

But the drugs are the tough part in my old grumpy mind. If you think that "they" are making you "feel better," or perform better, or feel less anxiety, and the therapist is going to ask you that... how was that Hawaiian Kush mon... then the relationship, and the need to be taking something for your problems may never end. They don't aim to cure you... they just want to see "improvement." They want to help "manage" your problemas. They want to keep you coming back.

Last edited by tall-p on 11 Nov 2012, 9:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MrStewart is right. Just cancel any future appointments and don't make any more.

As I just mentioned in another post in another thread, I have a therapist at Easter Seals. She's not playing that old NT game with me. NTs have reasons to want to go that way, but she knows the difference. That's how it is to go to a good specialist. I'd say, try there, if you've got a local branch near you. If that doesn't work out for some reason, try any regional autism/Asperger's resource - check online - and see if they know of anyone you could see. I've been hard at work adding new stuff to my Website, but check my "Toolbox" (link is in my signature line) to see what Website resources I list. One of them, if I recall correctly, lists regional and local resources.

Let us know how it goes.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is actually this therapist's area of specialization. But his M.O. is "reframing perspective", which is pretty much "looking for the good in a situation". That may work for NT's, who have the ability to magically convert their thinking into optimism (sorry for stereotyping, but that's my opinion), but not for aspies, who have a more strictly defined way of thinking. And he seems to think that I'm exaggerating the abuse and exploitation I experienced at the hands of my employer, "because I'm too pessimistic". So even though cognitive behavioral therapy is supposed to be aspie-friendly, I'm not finding any more helpful than talking about my feelings.

This leaves me wondering: if the supposedly aspie-friendly cognitive behavioral therapy won't work for me, what will?

Different therapists have different modes of operation. Sounds like this one and you aren't clicking. No biggie. Just cancel your next appointment and leave.

Ah, I see. CBT isn't necessarily friendly to people with AS. It's helpful to me mostly because I am doing it for my OCD problems specifically. OCD has distinct, specific habitual problems that respond well, in my case anyway, to the CBT approach.

In your search for a new therapist, it would probably be a good idea to use your first appointment to go over your negative experiences with the previous therapist, ask new therapist about what sort of approach they think would potentially be of most use to you, and work out a plan from there. If you don't feel comfortable after that first meet, continue the search. Finding a person who advertises experience and qualification for autism spectrum should be the best starting point, i think.

what seems to be true is that CBT is for NTs and it works most of the time for them because the entire therapy is how to get white people back to work and shut the f*ck up. CBT is designed to create cogs in the socially normative machine and to do that, we must make the cogs feel peaceful about it so the machine can continue to function. CBT is going to go the way of the dinosaur when "managed care" goes away.

you have got to be kidding me that CBT is aspie-friendly. where did you learn this? neo-CBT causes damage to aspies. exposure therapy? youve got to be kidding me. CBT places the blame on the individual. from my aspie perspective, it isnt me. the problem is the world. albert ellis is a scary dude to boot. he claimed that no happy mind could come from a belief in anything other than human thought. ellis is one of the god-killers in the history of psychology. these dudes like to establish themselves as the gods in the place of god. beck is systematic hypnosis is all it is.

im dumping my treatment team this week. i had a shutdown on the job because of overstimulation. i was unable to hear for the most part, it was a snowball world (long story) i wanted to discuss ways to prevent it from happening again and skills i could use in the future if it did. my therp instead wanted to talk about the people that were present when the shutdown occurred and how these people trigger anxiety in me because they all represent people from my primary socialization. NO. there was simply too much input! so, no, i did not choose to talk about "why i feel i have to control every situation and how that is representative of my sense of helplessness as a baby" because thats not occams razor!

you deserve better. there are many weak and simple men. sometimes i wonder if they dont seek to satisfy the mystery of their own selves by solving all of everybody elses.