Knowing whether to discuss something or not

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One of my unsurmountable obstacles in life is discerning whether I should discuss a certain situation with the person involved or not. In some cases, dialogue leads to understanding and solutions. In other cases, addressing the issue directly only leads to defensiveness and more conflict and hurt feelings (however non-blaming the addressing is).

I think NTs have this innate ability (based on ToM, I guess) to know when to open up and "talk about it" and when to act upon their best understanding without bringing up the issue.

Eg: Sue declined Dave's marriage proposal, saying she's fine with them being just fiancees, at least for now. She chose not to tell him the truth, that she knows if they got married they'd have to of course live together, meaning she'd have to move to his home, because he lives with his elderly mom and aunt, who will require a lot of help from her and she'll become their unpaid servant. She chose a lie that sounds more romantic than the truth, so everyone is happy. She doesn't believe for a second that telling him the truth and opening a dialogue about it might bring a solution for them, that they could materialize their dream of sharing a home. She thinks it could only result in hurt feelings and negative consequences.

Just looking for opinions here...

It can be difficult at times, but diplomacy is a learned art.

I think it's a matter of people being too nervous because they don't know how the other person will react and take it so they hold off telling them.

I usually come out with the brutal truth and suffer the consequences lol

At least people know where they stand with me!

It takes too much mental effort to continually be thinking about how what I say is affecting the other person - there's only room to articulate and keep track of what I want to say and what I'm thinking about how things are affecting me - that's hard enough so the other person's feelings will be lucky to get much of a look in I'm afraid!

I call this not having a large enough array in the brain to hold all the parameters, hence it's not me being selfish, it's me lacking the brain capacity and flexibility to cover all the bases.

I also think that if something is going to cause a problem, better to get it out in the open sooner rather than later.

I am starting to realize the importance of lying in order to keep people around. It goes against my nature to do so, but the less some know about me, the better.

Yeah what she said.

Maintaining a lie is too much hard work for my brain.

I like to be able to be completely open with a person about myself. I can't do all this compartmentalising people seem to be expected to do - don't tell this person this but tell them that - that's far too much like hard work!

It is hard. I have problems maintaining one over time. It's easier with white lies more than anything else because there is truth in them, just not all the details are necessary. Sometimes you have to think about how a person feels about you when choosing ot tell the truth, or lie to them.

With NTs sometimes you can give a comment based on something entirely different and this will satisfy them.

Good example:

Does this dress look nice?

Appropriate comment - yes its gorgeous.

Your comment - i really like the flowers on it, those are pretty.
What you dont say - but its a hideous dress tbh.

I don't have a problem with white lies like that as they are essentially not real lies in my opinion
as I can usually find something to like about most outfits anyway ie I'm never overly critical about the appearances of things or perhaps it's that I don't know many people to have to give an opinion to or rarely get asked for such opinions by other women as I don't know many women?

Either way I'm not given to making catty remarks and would only tend to compliment something nice a person was wearing

I've noticed women can be really bitchy about what other women are wearing and there's no need for it - if the other person looks bad in something so what? Why the need to call attention to it?? Clothes don't play a massive part in my life - I'd rather be able to give an articulate opinion on what's happening in the world than name the designer of a dress or bag.
Most women can name the bag designer but not much else, hence my usual lack of interest in most women's opinions! (oops, did I accidentally offend some women? )