Women who have aspergers: A non-issue for them

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johnnydangerous
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20 Jul 2010, 11:51 am

I am a handsome, in shape man who is 33 years old. But because I have aspergers, I am alone.

But if you're a pretty woman with aspergers, it just doesn't matter. In fact men might even like you MORE because of it.

I find this to be so unfair, and so cruel, to the men who have aspergers. There is an old aspie joke that says "whats the difference between an aspie male and an aspie female? answer: the aspie female is married".

How do you cope with the fact that you'll be alone the rest of your life? I'm having a hard time accepting. EVERY WOMAN treats me like I'm the plauge' and I'm so sick of it. They approach me because of my looks, flirt a little, then realize "oh hes different, I dont like him anymore".

I dont even try anymore. Its such a losing battle, and in the end it just brings more and more pain.

You read these websites on how to pick up girls. You have to be the fuggin' "alpha male" b.s. because God forbid you are like me, women just wont like you.

I really have contemplated suicide over this. I'm sick of being alone. Here I am a handsome in shape caring guy, and Im all alone. This world is so fugged up. I dont even want to live anymore. I cant wait for death.



mv
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20 Jul 2010, 12:05 pm

Um, I'm sure you're going to get a TON of this, but here goes:

You are GROSSLY generalizing. I have just the same kind of trouble that males with Aspergers have. I cannot bridge the social gap in any meaningful way, which leaves me alone. All the time. And I'm getting older and older, which means that I face the same "invisibility" issues that NT women face as they age.

And I'm purdy. For now.



Celoneth
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20 Jul 2010, 12:11 pm

Obviously - because the ONLY thing Asperger's impairs is one's ability to have a relationship and having a relationship is the ONLY thing that matters - everything else is a non-issue :roll:



johnnydangerous
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20 Jul 2010, 12:15 pm

mv wrote:
Um, I'm sure you're going to get a TON of this, but here goes:

You are GROSSLY generalizing. I have just the same kind of trouble that males with Aspergers have. I cannot bridge the social gap in any meaningful way, which leaves me alone. All the time. And I'm getting older and older, which means that I face the same "invisibility" issues that NT women face as they age.

And I'm purdy. For now.


Listen no offense, but if you're pretty but socially awkward, you're going to still not have any trouble getting dates. If you're pretty and not dating, that's basically by choice.

Me? I try...I tried so hard sometimes, only to be rejected again, and again...and again. To the point where I have now stopped trying. It's done. I lost. Game over.

If you are a shy pretty girl men will still flock to you. If you're a shy man, even if you're handsome like me, it doesn't matter. Women just dont give a s**t. They want "alpha manliness". The symptoms of aspergers fit WELL with how a woman is supposed to act, but not so much with how a man is supposed to act.

I guess the toughest part mabye is you cant have as many female friends, but at least you'll have no trouble finding a man. With men...you dont have friends OR a woman. You are completely 100% ALONE.

There is no way out. Mabye Im not fit to be alive, mabye mother nature is trying to tell me something. Like mabye my genes are unfit to pass on. I just dont want to live like this anymore.



KaiG
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20 Jul 2010, 12:16 pm

You need counselling. Odds are it's not just your Asperger's that's causing the problem, but some other issues such as poor self-esteem or extreme social anxiety. These are not inherent to the Syndrome, and can be dealt with.

I'd watch out, in your post I'm seeing similarities with the attitude that the guy who shot up that gym had. Blaming women and the world for his own problems. I'd look into dealing with the situation in a more constructive manner than blame.


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Last edited by KaiG on 20 Jul 2010, 12:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

johnnydangerous
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20 Jul 2010, 12:18 pm

Celoneth wrote:
Obviously - because the ONLY thing Asperger's impairs is one's ability to have a relationship and having a relationship is the ONLY thing that matters - everything else is a non-issue :roll:


Not the only issue but by far the biggest one. I can live without many close friends, or any. But having noone to share my life with...I cant deal with that anymore.

Im just saying, women with aspergers, although they have things to deal with too, dont have to face going through life alone the way men do. There will always be a man waiting for them. Not so with aspie men.



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20 Jul 2010, 12:19 pm

Focus on yourself, don't get upset about what others have easy or not. That won't do anything for you except make you bitter and even less attractive. Anyway, female aspies can face different, but equally unpleasant problems. We all suffer.


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Last edited by Moog on 20 Jul 2010, 12:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

mv
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20 Jul 2010, 12:21 pm

I still say that you don't necessarily get what I'm talking about. I cannot bridge the gap, therefore I cannot date. The men sense the "alienness" about me. As do women, so I don't have a ton of friends, either.

I'm sorry for your pain, for anyone's pain, really. I too have been rejected and rejected and rejected by guys to the point where I have given up, too. I try to date, I try to fit in, I'm definitely not asexual, but it never works for me. Yes, men try to chat me up but you can see it, clearly, when their interest wanes.

If you're just looking for sex, then I guess I can't speak to that. I wish I could feel comfortable just having sex with no attachment, but that's weird, too.



johnnydangerous
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20 Jul 2010, 12:21 pm

KaiG wrote:
You need counselling. Odds are it's not just your Asperger's that's causing the problem, but some other issues such as poor self-esteem or extreme social anxiety. These are not inherent to the Syndrome, and can be dealt with.

I'd watch out, in your post I'm seeing similarities with the attitude that the guy who shot up that gym had. Blaming women and the world for his own problems. I'd look into dealing with the situation in a more constructive manner than blame.


When you get rejected constantly, you tend to not have very high self esteem. Getting rejected has caused me to feel this way, not vice versa. I love how people like you try to blame me for whats wrong. As if Im the cause of me being rejected. As if I was just somehow born a negative person, and thats why people dont like me. WRONG. Its the other way around, buddy. People dont like me, thats why Im negative.



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20 Jul 2010, 12:25 pm

johnnydangerous wrote:
Celoneth wrote:
Obviously - because the ONLY thing Asperger's impairs is one's ability to have a relationship and having a relationship is the ONLY thing that matters - everything else is a non-issue :roll:


Not the only issue but by far the biggest one. I can live without many close friends, or any. But having noone to share my life with...I cant deal with that anymore.

Im just saying, women with aspergers, although they have things to deal with too, dont have to face going through life alone the way men do. There will always be a man waiting for them. Not so with aspie men.


Right - the biggest one - because problems with things like getting a job because you lack interpersonal skills which impedes your ability to be independent isn't an important issue, having trouble in school due to bullies, sensory issues, etc. aren't important either.

I've never had a relationship - now, granted I don't want one - but I am really sick of this assumption that Aspie women has some innate ability to have perfect love lives, have men flocking to them, know the rules of flirting etc.

You need to learn to be happy with yourself, and not expect some outside event to bring you happiness.



Moog
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20 Jul 2010, 12:27 pm

johnnydangerous wrote:
KaiG wrote:
You need counselling. Odds are it's not just your Asperger's that's causing the problem, but some other issues such as poor self-esteem or extreme social anxiety. These are not inherent to the Syndrome, and can be dealt with.

I'd watch out, in your post I'm seeing similarities with the attitude that the guy who shot up that gym had. Blaming women and the world for his own problems. I'd look into dealing with the situation in a more constructive manner than blame.


When you get rejected constantly, you tend to not have very high self esteem. Getting rejected has caused me to feel this way, not vice versa. I love how people like you try to blame me for whats wrong. As if Im the cause of me being rejected. As if I was just somehow born a negative person, and thats why people dont like me. WRONG. Its the other way around, buddy. People dont like me, thats why Im negative.


It's not about blame, it's about responsibility. You have to take responsibility for sorting yourself out, even if your problems are not your fault, because no one else will. That might mean getting outside help from a counsellor, friends, or family if you have them. You must make yourself feel likable, then you will be liked. Who else is going to change you from negative to positive, but you?


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20 Jul 2010, 12:28 pm

AS does not keep you from dating, having mad sex and/or forging relationships. It will affect your long-term relationships, creating challenges that more neurotypical types are less likely to face, but it will do that to anyone with AS, regardless of gender.

Getting to know someone and successfully asking them out and having pleasant dating experiences is not rocket science, but - and I've been thinking about this a lot lately - this is one good reason for not diagnosing AS in children and young people. Once you become convinced of BS stereotypes like "Aspies can't flirt or ever know how to hookup or date and nobody will ever like them because they're different" it becomes self-fulfilling prophecy. But its pure BS.

I have dated like a rock star or pro athelete, been married 3 times, had as many live-in long terms and I'm a freaking POSTER BOY for AS. Most of the women I've dated, liked me BECAUSE I wasn't like the meatheads they were used to. So engage in a little homemade Behavior Therapy and get over that self-defeating mindset.



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20 Jul 2010, 12:30 pm

I agree with the poster who doubted it was your AS that is the issue. The AS may contribute to your inability to see the real issue, but I doubt it IS the issue. I married a sweet and very shy AS man. Love can find it's way.

Having been single myself well past when I wanted to get married, I will say that "not wanting to be alone" is, by itself, a deterent to finding a relationship. Successful relationships are built between people who are comfortable with themselves and able to be alone, and not between people who are trying to fulfill a need by finding someone. Step one for me was, without a doubt, to stop living my life wishing someone else was in it; that wish alone made me less attractive. People who desperately want to be with someone else, not because of the person but because they want "someone," project a need that is very invasive and uncomfortable. Until you can learn how to be happy by yourself and for yourself, you are likely to continue to scaring people away with the sense of need they get from you. It took a little time for me to learn to just live for me, but it made a huge difference in all aspects of my life. And, funny how it happens, once I realized that I actually would be able to live a happy life if I never married, I met my husband.


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johnnydangerous
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20 Jul 2010, 12:31 pm

Celoneth wrote:
johnnydangerous wrote:
Celoneth wrote:
Obviously - because the ONLY thing Asperger's impairs is one's ability to have a relationship and having a relationship is the ONLY thing that matters - everything else is a non-issue :roll:


Not the only issue but by far the biggest one. I can live without many close friends, or any. But having noone to share my life with...I cant deal with that anymore.

Im just saying, women with aspergers, although they have things to deal with too, dont have to face going through life alone the way men do. There will always be a man waiting for them. Not so with aspie men.


Right - the biggest one - because problems with things like getting a job because you lack interpersonal skills which impedes your ability to be independent isn't an important issue, having trouble in school due to bullies, sensory issues, etc. aren't important either.

I've never had a relationship - now, granted I don't want one - but I am really sick of this assumption that Aspie women has some innate ability to have perfect love lives, have men flocking to them, know the rules of flirting etc.

You need to learn to be happy with yourself, and not expect some outside event to bring you happiness.


Its easy for someone to say "be happy with yourself" when they are with somneone already. Aspie women dont need to know any rules of flirting. You go out, look pretty, and men want to get to know you. Done. No offense but if you cant a man its another issue, like perhaps a weight problem. And its hard to feel sorry for people like that because you can control how you look, what you eat etc. but you cant control the way your brain works.

I have done everything in my power to "make up" for my social failings. I work out, wear nice clothes, and thankfully was born with a handsome face. Does any of this matter? Nope. Because in the end the short, fat bald guy with social skills will do better than me and get the woman.

Its hopeless.



KaiG
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20 Jul 2010, 12:37 pm

johnnydangerous wrote:
Celoneth wrote:
johnnydangerous wrote:
Celoneth wrote:
Obviously - because the ONLY thing Asperger's impairs is one's ability to have a relationship and having a relationship is the ONLY thing that matters - everything else is a non-issue :roll:


Not the only issue but by far the biggest one. I can live without many close friends, or any. But having noone to share my life with...I cant deal with that anymore.

Im just saying, women with aspergers, although they have things to deal with too, dont have to face going through life alone the way men do. There will always be a man waiting for them. Not so with aspie men.


Right - the biggest one - because problems with things like getting a job because you lack interpersonal skills which impedes your ability to be independent isn't an important issue, having trouble in school due to bullies, sensory issues, etc. aren't important either.

I've never had a relationship - now, granted I don't want one - but I am really sick of this assumption that Aspie women has some innate ability to have perfect love lives, have men flocking to them, know the rules of flirting etc.

You need to learn to be happy with yourself, and not expect some outside event to bring you happiness.


Its easy for someone to say "be happy with yourself" when they are with somneone already. Aspie women dont need to know any rules of flirting. You go out, look pretty, and men want to get to know you. Done. No offense but if you cant a man its another issue, like perhaps a weight problem. And its hard to feel sorry for people like that because you can control how you look, what you eat etc. but you cant control the way your brain works.

I have done everything in my power to "make up" for my social failings. I work out, wear nice clothes, and thankfully was born with a handsome face. Does any of this matter? Nope. Because in the end the short, fat bald guy with social skills will do better than me and get the woman.

Its hopeless.

You seem to have an obsession with appearances and an entitlement complex, which are traits of Narcissism. Counselling.


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