I take things literally, but don't say what I mean either.

Post Reply New Topic

I've noticed, particularly in emotional discussions with my wife, that I have a tendency to take some things she says literally; especially generalized statements that are meant to be taken within the context of the conversation. I am easily distracted and confused with her choice of words and/or sentence structure, and frequently react or respond to them inappropriately because I didn't get it. Or, seeking clarification, I ask a lot of questions and then my wife thinks I'm being stupid, usually says so, and then that sets me off.

On the flip side, while I was talking to her about this, she pointed out that although I say I take things literally, I don't say them literally all the time myself; that I'm no different from her. I agree to a point, but I feel I'm willing to spend the time and energy to reveal the true subject, whereas she is generally impatient and unwilling to say something more than once, because she feels she said it well enough the first time.

Based on the above example, some may feel that this post better belongs in the relationship category, but what I really want to know is, am I the only one who has this communication issue? Can anyone relate to this, perhaps explain it or give me some pointers on how to understand better what is being said in a conversation?

I think it has to do with Theory of Mind on both counts:

Taking things literally because I'm unable to see the larger context of the person's remarks. It takes me a while to process the "big picture" which is why it often takes me a long time to respond to someone's comment.

Not being able to express myself because I am unaware of the information that the other person needs in order to understand me. Often I assume people know things that they don't.

I'm not an expert on TOM, but my understanding is that it is a lack of awareness of other people's separate existence and experience.

On that note, until very recently I thought I had no theory of mind problems at all. I mean, I'm smart enough to realize that others have their own minds separate from mine that I have no knowledge of... So I thought that whole TOM thing didn't apply in my case, but a few months ago, my NT boyfriend pointed out to me in a conversation that sometimes it was hard hard for him to understand me at times because I would leave out important information and it seemed like it was because I assumed that he already knew (though he couldn't know unless I told him). He says that he has to always ask follow-up questions after I've told him a story or gave him instructions.

So... it may be that I have some TOM problems and never realized it.

I use sarcasm and I also make indirect quests like "watch the dirt pile" and my son just looked at it so I told him, "at least that is keeping you busy." He was hyper and running around and I was sweeping and made a dirt pile so I told him to watch it. He stopped and started staring at it. I thought it was cute. Did he actually understand me or was it a coincidence? He isn't even two yet.


I have noticed I will say indirect things to my husband but he thinks I am pretty direct. like I will tell him he left crumbs on the counter and I mean I want him to clean it up every time he leaves crumbs. Or I tell him I am going to work and I mean I want him to watch our son now because I am leaving. Or I would tell him he hasn't eaten yet when I mean he is going to have to feed him because he hasn't eaten yet. I used to be more direct but I cut back on it because I finally learned that I don't need to spell everything out and if someone still doesn't get the hint, then spell it out for them.

I definitely have this problem specifically with my wife. We both have an ASD diagnosis.

I either think that her statements are so dramatic that I have a hard time taking her seriously, or I take her completely literally. She says that she's very literal, but I find her speaking with an odd mixture of literal and metaphorical statements. I don't seem to have this problem with other people, at least, not in the same way.

However I do sometimes fail to pick up on the unspoken meaning behind statements, usually when the speaker says one thing and means it in a certain context but actually means the opposite in a different context. I'm thinking in particular of a work situation where my manager would wax eloquent about the need to do things right the first time, especially given the limited amount of time we had available before delivery. He didn't mean it. He seems to have meant that he'd prefer to do things right the first time, but in a pinch he'd rather have a partially working and poorly working hash of a product to one that came to market later than he'd told people it would. I wish he had said that when I interviewed for the job.

In general I notice that a lot of people, so presumably a lot of NT's, make what sound like absolute statements when they really mean something relative, for instance, 'I had the best time of my life' when commenting on a pleasant experience. I have always understood that sort of usage when speaking casually; I do the same myself. However when saying something serious I use to expect that others spoke as literally as I try to do, just to be a clear as possible. I've learned that seriousness doesn't generally improve the literal use of language, in fact it's often quite the opposite. These days I just factor that into my understanding of what someone means.

Typical for ASD: I expect others to read my mind but have no clue what others are thinking.

At an extreme level, some children with more severe forms of autism don't talk but still expect people to read their mind, yet they don't even understand speech. What you describe just seems like a less severe version of this concept, and I have it too.