Hi everyone. I am new here and I have some questions about Asperger's Syndrome.
I am 21 year old male, college student studying art, and I am also a homosexual. I recently stumbled upon some information on Asperger's syndrome and it was surprisingly relatable for me, so I went on and took the online test(the 150 questions one) and it said I am most likely to have asperger's syndrome. I never in my life expected myself to have asperger's syndrome, even though I heard about it. I never looked up what it was, and it was mesmerizing to see how easy it was for me to relate to a lot of the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome once I start researching on it. It explained a lot about all the problems I have been having all my life, but still I am very confused and quite stunned to know all this stuff all at once now. I was looking for some help to get and I am hoping somebody can relate to me, and help me out..
First of all, I am from a Korean family, born in US, but grew up in South Korea since 6 and now I am living in the States again. I was always a happy funny kid, I never recollect myself being antisocial before preschool. This is one of the reason why I am so confused since people with Asperger's syndrome tend to not be that talkative to strangers when they were young, if I am correct.. But, the thing is, I would talk to people randomly, and say things that usually people wouldn't say to strangers. I would go up to a random person standing in line at the supermarket and say things like "you are pretty."
I was always an odd child, acting differently from other kids. I remember I used to get obsessed so easily with specific things like for example when I was about 3~4 I was crazily obsessed with the color pink. I would carry around a pink shampoo bottle because it's pink, not take off my pink shoes when I go to bed just because it's pink. I would freak out and get really upset if my parents try to get my shoes off. My parents were very acceptable with me being odd like this.(also my interest were mainly girly stuff.) I was also heavily obsessed with Cinderella up till i went to elementary school. I used to collect every single thing I can find related to cinderella. This obsessive personality carries on till now as I was obsessed with Greek Mythology, Video Games, Movies, etc. I would remember every single information on the subject I am interested in and talk about it all the time and fo on and on. At one point in middle school my parents used to joke around and ask me for random facts in Greek Mythology at any random moment and I would start rambling on every single information. However It was extremely hard for me to get interested in things that I am not naturally drawn too. I would crazily reject things that I don't appreciate. I almost died of high fever(literally) when I was 6 just because I would freak out and have meltdown whenever my parents brought up my cold medicine. My dad had to hold my arms down while my mom open my mouth when I am yelling and screaming. Also I hallucinated easily than other kids whenever I had fever or some sort of illness.
Even though I said I was a very happy bright child before preschool, I always enjoyed staying in and drawing, playing games with my brother. I never really enjoyed being around bunch of people, especially strangers. However, I haven't had that much trouble socializing with people even in elementary school. I wasn't a popular kid or anything, I was always odd and bizarre saying weird stuff and whatnot but I had friends who are kind of weird and off like me. But once I went to middle school, all my fear and uncomfortableness towards people and socializing came up since I literally didn't know how to act around people, especially kids my age. I wouldn't make any eye contact, only answer shortly, drom every social activities and just stay home being completely satisfied. I was only comfortable when I was around my family. I just didn't understand what other kids think or feel. I did have some friends(same as always the weird group at school, one of them still a friend.), but I never felt like none of them understood me or knew how i feel like, and Vice versa. Middle school was painful as kids would bully me because of my oddness(it was mild though). I became really shy and odd especially in 7th grade, making all the other kids in class think me as a freak. I remember one time in english class, we were doing this class exercise where one kid explains a certain word and the other kids were supposed to guess. I was really obsessed with asylums and mental stuff at that time so I did the word asylum, and one kid was like "probably he came from there" . And I just yelled out "Shut up" to him in class right away at his face assuming that as a very proper way to interact with kids my age. They just seemed swearing all the time and using rougher words( I never swore before middle school) so based on that I thought I should use some to be normal. I was even smiling when I yelled out, but that kid got mad and bullied me. I still remember this clearly.
I was mostly out of space till I graduated high school. When I was 10th grade I got slight depression and at that point, my social behavior was even awkwarder, but somehow I managed to observe how the kids act and finally realized how to act around kids. I even slightly changed my voice, the words I use, and completely hid all my interest to everybody I met in high school.(Including my sexuality, even though I knew I was gay for sure at that point) I met and made some good friends but they never knew who I really am since I was always on act. eventually that way my high school years were just ok, no drama or trouble, but I was constantly terrified by the environment, people, and everything there util I graduated. However I managed to act completely normal, and no one realized really what I was thinking I guess. I would know how people think or feel at this point by basing things on what I saw or experienced before so I was acting more properly, but still I think I never knew and know what other people feels like.
After I went to college I was kind of out space first semester as I made no real friends at all, but based on the first semester experience I put on another few acts depending on the style of the person starting the second semester and then I was pretty good with socializing. Till now everybody thinks I am one of the most social and funny kid. I even got elected as a student representative. In order to achieve this I would put on several different acts depending on the person. For example if the person is bright bubbly girl, I would act like a bright bubbly gay guy, if the person is a frat dude, I can totally act like one and they think I am like that. I would have so many different acts that sometimes it collides and confuses me how to act and I go back to being awkward often, but still I managed to pull this tactic off making myself a social person.
But the thing is, even though I have numerous numbers of "class friends", "School friends", I never have a real friend. I do have 2 closest friends here, but I never feel like I am connected to them in any level, and I still can't figure it out what they think. I just cannot think what other people will feel like. My mind is almost like shut down on that part. At one point I thought maybe it is my gay thing, so I start talking to gay people, but I would feel the same disconnection. And also I managed to talk or small talk to anyone, it is really hard to find it interesting to me. I would try to avoid the talk if I can, but when it seems like I am being too quiet, I strategically talk more, even though I don't want to so that I won't be left out. Sometimes I would find myself lost while talking to other people trying hard to not stop staring at their eyes, trying to think of what would be proper enough to mention to continue this conversation. It is truly exhausting, and at this point nothing is satisfying anymore as I never feel any genuine emotion to anybody. I just prefer being myself now. I did have a period where I drink constantly and go out, have parties, while massively drunk, but eventually all the time I feel so out of space and I just run out. I literally just abruptly left a bar or a party many times. I just get up and leave in the middle of a part or even a conversation. I just cannot stand being around a loud crowd or a multi-socializing situation. I seem like I am pretty good at it as I learned it pretty good, but I still feel so horrible and terribly exhausting and a lot of the times scared too. Every now and then my original social state will come out and make the biggest loser of the scene. Especially if there is no one I am close with, I would never go to a place with a lot of people, or I would just don't know what to do with people and not talk and feel like an alien. One time me and my roommate had a party at out place, and it was all my friends and the people I know, even 2 friends were there but I didn't know what to do and I felt disgustingly uncomfortable trying to escape.
To talk about other things, I naturally love to regulate myself and make a routine. I would do things in order, unless I get so frustrated and cannot think of anything else. I cannot let go tiny small things all the time, thinking about it using all my brain activity. Even the smallest things like not putting the keys on the right spot, or my brother lying down on my bed while I watch TV makes me so upset. Also I repeat the things I said over and over to people, not knowing at all if I said it before.I talked to myself way too much and really enjoy it, sometimes I even get exited to think of an imagined situation and talk to myself in that scene. I would plot out a fake interview sometimes or a fake conversation between lovers or whatnot and act it by myself. (Talking to myself) I have a horrible hand writing but I am really good at drawings and paintings,(that is my area of study) cannot read for a long time even though I used to do so when I was in grade schools. I am also obsessive with small weird things like cleaning my glasses so many times, washing hands, but the weirdest habit I had was when I was in high school. I would be reading a book, and as I turn the page, I need to check the page number back and forth about 20times, just to make sure I am not skipping any page. I would flip the page back and fort with nose shoved up in the corner of the book. I would do that every single page. Now I don't do it though, I think I thought it was weird and trained myself to stop. I also never really get tired with the same clothes or the same food. For months I would eat the same breakfast, and wear the same outfit so many times repeatedly. I am also really awkward about touching. I am ok with formal touching or something I expected when I am acting friendly and hugging people and stuff. But I freak out when people slightly touch when Im unexpected, don't know how to react to it at all. I remember, even when I was really young, whenever my mom tried to hug me, I would turn around and let her hug be backwards since that was less touching. I would notice tiny weird details, I would find the tiniest thread in a bowl of soup, but interestingly not good at noticing obvious visuals. Also I have a very sensitive hearing which lets me listen everything upstairs or next doors. But I weirdly I have a bad hearing in general so it's hard to understand what people are saying to me sometimes, even though I clearly hear it sometimes. I am really slow with jokes and sarcasm, never really got it. But all my friends think I am a funny guy because of the odd things that I do or the odd things I say, but I can never make a joke. I hate being late or not on time so I always make it on time even getting places earlier keeping all the promises. I used to get so mad when the other person is even 5 minutes late. I still do, but I don't show. I act I am "cool" and "chill", even waiting 30 min and not knowing how to show I am so angry inside. I just don't know how to do that, and I don't understand why people can keep up time. Just literally cannot understand. So I just act to be accepted as a normal cool guy. Also, I hate change. I cannot stand change, physically don't function well when there is a change in my life.
The biggest thing is, I am never really connected to anyone. I never had any "love" feeling or "crush"(obviously I never kissed or flirted with anyone. no relationship at all). Sure, I have emotion, I actually am very emotional. I cry a lot, and I do feel all the emotion. I sometimes even cry on movies or books. But it's not like I cry because I genuinely know and feel what the characters are feeling. I cry because it is built in my mind that I should feel moved at certain points. and I force my brain to feel moved or sad and I cry, which makes me feel like I am alive and all. It is kind of like acting for myself.. It is a weird thing. I can't really associate myself with anyone, even my family or my friends.(even though I truly love my families.) I cannot tell what other people feels like, and I am so dying to know all the time to fit in the norm and make myself feel better, not because I want to know how they genuinely feel like. I don't really care how other people thinks deep inside, what matters most is only my emotion, but in order to be the norm and not be odd, I push myself to do certain things like this. However, this ruined a lot of my friendships, mostly with the ones I rather consider closest. Once I get kind of close with some person, I get so upset all the time with the tiniest meaningless things and I can't even portray it since it is not considered normal. I hide and hide and never expressed myself since I don't know how to and since I know my feelings are not accepted normally in the society. I always wonder what is wrong with me and why I am not getting other people at all. It is hard since I know how to act like I do, and I am pretty good at it, people don't know who I am at all.
As I had this on going question of having Asperger's syndrome, I asked some close people like my roommate and few other people, and all of them were saying "no way, you are way too social to have asperger's"
I thought everybody else would feel like me somehow, and I wasn't understanding my whole life about why people don't understand me. After knowing a bit more about Aspereger's Syndrome and taking that online test, it clears me out a little bit, but still I am not sure. I wanted some advice from people who actually knows and have asperger's, so that maybe I can figure stuff out better. Do I have Aspereger's Syndrome? or am I just getting paranoid? It is hard to rely on a online source but I need some desperate help. sorry for the long post. this is another thing. I talk and talk and go on and on about my thoughts.
03 Dec 2012, 9:56 pm
The responding slowly to jokes is an autistic trait. However, like everyone on this forum will say, it's best to see a professional.
