Conforming to society - confused about this

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I am genuinely confused about this topic, and I feel like I get mixed messages from the autism community. Maybe that's because it's something that's up for debate?

As high functioning autistics - Is it better to try to learn to mimic NT's or to just be ourselves and try to be accepted for who we are as individuals?

What about low functioning children and adults? I think that everyone would agree that it's ideal for them to become more "functional" (correct me if I'm wrong), but how do we draw the line between "functioning" and "conforming"?

Please share your thoughts with me. Thanks!

It is without a doubt better to be ourselves and be accepted for who we are. Many NTs seem to be obsessed with conformity, and I want nothing to do with it. Copying others for the sake of it, regardless of whether or not it's morally corect is quite pathetic.



Functional: To be able to perform tasks necessary to live an independent life.

Conforming: To imitate, almost without question, what those who surround you do, regardless of whether or not it's logically or morally just.

I can't mimic NTs, so I have to be myself.

Well, I was told to mimic others when I was being bullied and that just made things MUCH worse. You see, my literal mindedness just made me stand out even more, like an grumpy applicant with a fake smile from ear to ear like I've seen time and time again. An Aspie trying to act 'cool' and 'tough' just paints a bigger target on them. I have found the best success to be when I am my Aspie self. If people have a problem with it, it's THEIR issue, not mine.

The line is the respect of others.

If you are trying to respect others, even if you make a big mistake, it often doesn't matter.

But, if they perceive that you consider them inferior, or not worthy of your attention, you can expect trouble.

I think if an individual on the spectrum want their lives to be easier, then they should be able to conform to society. If you don't care if people don't like you, don't want you around, don't want you talking to them or being part of their conversations, etc. then you don't have to conform then. You just better not complain about how others treat you. You can't have it both ways.

Last edited by League_Girl on 06 Dec 2012, 5:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Or, you could find someone decent and accepting. It's difficult, especially when living in a world full of a**holes, but it is possible...

My humble opinion...

After almost 30 years of trying to conform with society, and mimicking NT behaviour, I must say, that it hasn't been a success
at all. No matter how much efford we put into it, most of us are not able to maintain the illusion - or at least only for a short period of time.

My analysis is based upon my own story of beeing diagnosed as an adult. In retrospect, I can see some of the negative and positive impacts of that strategy.


Negative aspects:
Trying constantly to mimic NT's (and society demands) Only wears me down. I think of it as beeing forced to be acting all the time (when among NT's). And I'm a bad bad actor. It's very hard work all the time. And for what use? Keeping the illusion alive, that I can fit into that world? What if I don't like that world?

Even when you succeed in blending in, you are likely to dissapoint them, WHEN - not IF - WHEN your mask is crumpling. And my mask does crumple when I have no more energy left for acting. Shutdowns are common to me when I wear out.

The rest of my time, which I want to spend doing things which make me truely happy (my special interests), is destroyed as I do not have any more energy left.


Positive aspects:
Acting NT is like a magic phrase, opening doors for you! In the shallow NT-world, first hand impression is absolutely EVERYTHING. If you can get past this "first screening" you can loosen up a little later in some situations.

But, do not underestimate the NT's ability to detect that you are different. Failing making eye contact. Limited ability of smalltalk, maybe just because you walk a little odd or dress differently. To me, it's a herculean job getting it all right, at the same time.

Aspies can be wonderful friends. Unlike many NT's, we honour the truth! Most NT's just can't tell the truth if their friends acts like a**holes. Beeing a friend to NT's often mean, to stand by someone even when he/she behaves like an a**hole. Really strange to me. I always tell the truth if a friend ask me something. Why should I do anything else? I know the truth can be hurtfull sometimes, but how can a lie be better? It's like removing a bandaide. It hurts for a short period of time.

I have a fantastic NT-friend, who values my honesty. As he says: "You challenge me, you try to give me solutions. The others just tell a lie or tells me what they think I wanna hear..."


Bottom line:
I believe, that acting NT' is a tool .... a language ..... a key .... that we should learn how to use to unlock doors for us. Not as a way of living.

Use it at the interview when applying for a job...
Whenever you interact with people for a short period of time, in order to get help or interacting with authority persons.

Then you have time to be yourself for the rest of your life.

Finding NT-friends is valuable too. Look out for NT's that seems to be a little marginalized. They know what it feels like to be different, and they ar not as shallow as typical NT's, and much more indulgent than other NT's

I have learned a lot from my NT-friends. It's like having your own tour-guides to the World!

It's not a black-and-white question. I know that professionals think that the higest order of success is to make us just as boring and shallow and sheeple-like as all the others. Just forgive them. They don't have a clue about how we feel inside.
... they can't read our minds, as well as we can't read theirs ....

Having a want for an easier life magically gives one the ability to conform to society? Also what is to say conforming to society is the only way to ever make ones life easier. Also it is very possible to have it both ways.....its called hanging around people that don't look down on anyone that doesn't neatly fit into conformity.

Also if someone is being harrassed, abused or otherwise mistreated by people simply because they don't conform.....they have every right to complain. They better not complain or what?

As far as I'm concerned, I only conform with the NT society as far as the laws go since as high-functioning individuals, we don't get an excuse for breaking the law. But at the same time, we do have to be ourselves, whether we're NT or not anyway since people, for some reason, put too much emphasis on whether or not they will conform to society. The only force I conform with, in reality, is myself and anyone who doesn't let that happen is in dire trouble.