Help again - food issues

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You guys were really helpful before so I hope you don't mind me coming back.

I am not on the spectrum; I believe my husband has Aspergers. It's not diagnosed as he doesn't think there is anything unusual about any of his behaviours and so he won't see his GP about it. I really think he needs to as I am on the verge of leaving this marriage as I am tired of living my life to his tune with absolutely no compromise whatsoever his end.

This is what has happened recently. Please bear in mind we have two (non-ASD) children who are 3 and 5.

Tuesday morning: he told me the dishwasher hadn't cleaned the dishes properly and I needed to put it on a long cycle. He also said I needed to rewash all his socks because I had washed an odd number.

Wednesday morning: he thought the dishes still weren't 100% clean and so he threw everything in the dishwasher in the bin. In so doing he threw out the only 'set' of plates, mugs and cutlery etc that he will agree to eat off. He told me I had to buy him a new set because it was my fault he had had to throw them away. I told him there had been no need to throw them away, it was his problem and he had to find the solution - I was not replacing them.

He was furious. He hasn't eaten anything since at home. I expect he has had some food at work. He hasn't eaten today certainly and is getting very grumpy. He is drinking water direct from the tap like some kind of animal. He won't buy his own set and he says he 'can't' eat until I buy him a new one.

We are approaching Christmas, he is upsetting the children and he is now saying he'll be 'too weak' to come to my parents for Christmas as was planned and so the girls will have to have Christmas without their dad because he will be sitting at home drinking water from the tap.

Wtf am I supposed to do? Does he not care about the impact on the kids at all?

Tuesday - the dishwasher thing - he may have a point, the socks thing is more OCD than AS. If he cares that much about them then put them on a specific wash or rather he can if he wants.

Wednesday is an over reaction. Likely there is more than meets the eye here. That reaction is down to some trigger and its not the dishes. It will more likely be the manner of the conversation or some association to prior negative conditioning.

He is clearly very stubborn but im amazed every single glass was thrown away in one go.

There are much larger issues at play here. Find out what the real subject is. Its not dishes IMO. I think he think you are dominating him.

Hard to say. I could only think of dumbing down the whole thing in a review of the strange cause and effect pattern from the Wednesday thing.

That all began with the dishwasher right. I would expect that buying another set of dishes for him would be broken immediately after the first flawed wash. Unless he is convinced you loaded the dishwasher wrong.

In the meantime maybe try offering new paper plates and plasticware only as a means to get through Christmas.

These types of over-reaction to things relating to cleanliness are common. I have replaced many sets of plates etc over the years. I even drove 50 miles when 37 weeks pregnant once to get a new set because he hadn't eaten in a week and wouldn't accept a set bought from any of the local towns. I still don't really know why I did that but he thinks it was perfectly reasonable to expect me to.

He won't do any of the housework himself but he criticises the standards of housework all the time.

The underlying trigger could be his parents coming next weekend (he hates them), Christmas (he hates it) or having to attend various school and nursery events, or it could be that the house was untidy because I had been unwell.

I have offered paper plates, that apparently isn't good enough and I have to buy him a new set.

I just don't know how to get through to him.

If he wants to be an obstinate arse he can do his own dishes.

I agree, he should take responsibility. But what do I do when he isn't and his not doing so is negatively affecting our children?

The last thing that helps your family or him is to continue enabling his abusive behaviour by catering to his increasingly bizarre demands.

I'd also strongly recommend not trying to diagnose him, yes he sounds like he has strong OCD traits but unless you can get him seen by a professional who can address these nasty traits with him, all you're doing is making excuses in your mind.

Yeah, this certainly isn't an ordinary reaction and it's absolutely not your fault...in fact, putting up with this, you sound like a fantastic wife who does far more than her fair share of work. I think you're in a difficult position because people who are that obsessive about things tend to overreact to everything, especially being confronted with the fact that he should buy his own dishes if he's not happy, wash his own dishes if they're not clean enough and do his own laundry if it's not done to his exacting standards. It's tricky but I can't see any other way than to tell him how close you are to leaving the marriage if he doesn't seek help for his issues, especially because you want to see him happy.

Personally I think go with the paper plates.

I think he thinks its your responsibility but he has a very perfectionist view of cleanliness. This is not reality and its just in his head and down to perfectionism/ocd. The guy has a germ obsession which is apparently quite common. Personally I can eat pizza out of a box with no questions asked.

I actually believe germs boost the immune system and excessive cleanliness leads to immune systems that have never developed resistance to common things. I have not had cold or flu or a runny nose in three years.

Does he understand the impact on the children? I;'m not sure I do. But he should understand he is modelling behavior that they will copy/learn from.

As he hates his parents he hates this time of year because its negatively associated. This time is stressful and crap for him but thats because of his own childhood it seems. Surely he doesnt want the same again for his kids? With that frame he may be able to find some fake cheer at christmas, but if he really hates his parents - why are they coming? Cant you go there and then at least you can leave when he has had enough.

They are only coming for about 3 hours en route to somewhere else. We are spending Christmas with my parents who he normally gets on with.

Last year we hosted Christmas for his parents and he managed to hold it together so I don't really understand why this is such a big deal.

It is affecting the children because they are hearing their daddy say he won't spend Christmas Day with them and that is a big thing for a 3yo and a 5yo.

Understood.

So he is overlooking the kids feelings to make some point in an argument with you.

Obviously the kids emotional health matters most but i think he doesnt get this part and that he needs to watch what he says in front of them and that they dont understand empty threats and are taking the whole thing to heart.

Honestly, if I were you I'd bake a big pie and shove into his face.

I'm not meaning to sound too simplistic, but perhaps if you're willing, you can tell him that you are doing your best, and that if how you do your household work is not pleasing to him, he can do it in a way that is pleasing to him.

Even as stubborn, set in one's ways or needing to follow ocd driven habits/routines as aspies can be, one can still learn to understand the limitations of others and strive to change when there's a logical reason presented for the need.

Have you considered he may find enjoyment and glean a sense of your devotion to him by making such extreme demands?