Living In Denial

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I realised that I have AS about 3 months ago. Although I am sure knowing this will help me in the long-term, I have been having some trouble realigning myself given that I am 30 and have gotten into the habbit (probably through self-preservation) of disregarding any and all questions about my issues and chalking them down to paranoia and overactive immagination. This would then allow me to get on with life and not worry so much. That was all well and good but, now that I am faced with the cold hard truth I can no longer deny this and trying to unlearn all those years of denial is not at all easy.

To give some background, I clearly had problems as a child and I was carted around all the doctors and educational phycologists etc but they could never agree on what was making me exhibit all these behaviours. Most of what I know about my pre-11 self has been told to me by my parents since I seem to have conveniently forgotten all the memories apart from the occasional snippet of freaking out because a teacher wanted to clean my knee after falling down or running out of school in a blind panic. Memories are somewhat clearer from ages 11-18 and, although I made some friends and had some good times, I was also becoming increasingly aware of this strange difference in me compared with my peers. Other people seemed like a foreign country to me. I was suicidal on and off from about 12 to 18 and attempted it a few times but, thankfully, failed each time. I would feel like I was being burned from the inside by emotional pain that I didnt really undersatnd or know how to deal with. I started cutting as a makeshift way to keep the feelings at bay at least enough to keep from doing anything too stupid. Because of the strangeness I saw, I came to think of myself as something not quite human, broken, a monster even with something important missing. I never shared these feelings with anyone or even properly recognised that I might be depressed and need help.

When I went away to university I told myself that, I was going to force myself to be normal. I would act, copy, feign confidence and I would get the hang of it and be rid of whatever this thing was. The problem with living with a false identity though, is that you can gradualy come to believe your own hype. I have been telling myself "nothing's wrong" for almost 13 years and I gradually played down my previous struggles to the point where I would just tell myself it was nothing more than teen angst and that I am just a little anxious around people at most. Everyone says to be yourself but I have never ever been able to do that and I am not even sure how anymore.

I cannot be the only one who didn't understand their AS and burried it behind bulls**t. I feel like my carefully constructed world is collapsing around me now that I am faced with just how much of a sham it really is. It also scares me that I am capable of deceiving myself so thouroughly. Anyone got a perspective on this?

Yeah I bought my own BS too, then realized that I actually did need it in some capacity to function "normally". Think of it this way, we are all flawed, AS or not. Everyone has some stereotypical personality oddities that actually end up going along with one another, sometimes in conflict or complacency. The office bully, the lazy do-nothing, the gossip, the flirt, etc. Everyone seems to fit pretty neatly into some archetype.

The trouble with people with AS, myself included, is that we are somehow beyond archetypes. Let me explain... we may have qualities, laziness, clumsiness, social awkwardness, or something that gets in the way of getting along with others better than we do. This is hard to put into words, but I'll do my best. It's like people with autism are presented with a world they barely understand because they are getting it on a pure physical, sensory level. It's the colors, sounds, lights, patterns, scents and vibrations that interest us. The rest of the world seems to only get sort of an afterimage or blunted affect of this same input. If they have all the time in the world to think about something, it is usually about people and relationships. We think about things. Anyhow, this leads to pure cognition, which can actually be considered refreshing to neurotypicals who appreciate honesty and directness. I'm not talking about sheer rudeness, because most of us do speak without thinking of someone's thoughts and feelings, but it's in spite of that we speak the truth (or lie very knowingly).

Basically what I'm getting to, is that you've spent all of your life not being who you are inside. So you're a chameleon like me. You are at the moment what you think people want or expect. And you're very bad at delivering so there is a disconnect. People may find you odd because they can't connect with the true you. But believe me, there are people out there who can connect with the true you and who do indeed want to very much. Just because most neurotypicals live in this strange, shallow world of personalities and social structure, doesn't mean all of them do.

I completely understand not knowing yourself because you've been so many other people that aren't you... in the long run that is only going to get harder to maintain. Personally I had a psychotic break after maintaining it for probably about 32 years or so. Now I am myself and I'm very, very careful to be considerate, to practice loving-kindness; also, take care of yourself. If you can be the person you are comfortably, other people will be more at ease around you. If you realize through your self-discovery so many things you "should be" ashamed of, just remember, you have autism, you think, feel, and experience differently than others. Anything you say and do is because of this difference, not because you are bad or a bad person.

I wish you the best in finding your true self. It's not easy, but it's definitely worth it.

Edited to add: we are all, always deceiving ourselves. In some way it's okay because it gets us through life, but in other ways it only leads us astray. Try to be true, even if it's hard.

Yes, I had a whole series of platitudes and rationalizations that I would use to attempt to make some sort of sense out of my thought process/behaviour/mood fluctuations for years. Decades, actually. In part, this was learned behaviour from my parents. My dad had, and still has, fairly severe panic disorder. He didn't get professional qualified help for it until he was in his late 50's. He is also, or was, a religious fundamentalist. And part of that belief apparently meant deep seated paranoia and skepticism about the field of psychiatry. Mother was also somewhat that way, and passive enough during my childhood that a lot of dad's untreated insanity made for some... flawed, let's say, ideas about mental illness passed down to myself and my older siblings.

The absolute worst mantra I used well into my 20's, long after I moved away from family, was this: "I'm not crazy if I realise the things I am doing are crazy". And therefore, "I don't need help." <---- Wrong! That assumption nearly killed me. Knowing the things you are doing are unnecessary and counter-productive, if not completely ruining your day to day ability to function, is a central theme of OCD. Knowing and still doing it and being unable to stop. That is classic OCD.

The aspie stuff I had been able to cope with well enough. I could live alone and support myself. I could manage. As a recluse, admittedly, but still manage okay. It was the depression, anxiety, and what I later found out to be OCD that were the problems that finally forced me into getting professional psychiatric help. Truth be told, I hit what is sometimes called "rock bottom". Gave myself an ultimatum: suicide or help. I chose to live. To fight.

Nothing false or inauthentic about surviving.
Nothing shameful about adapting to stay alive.
Now you are ready to awake to a deeper level.
Denial in many ways is a false dignity, and yet
a nesessary part of the human condition.

The process that now unfolds for you is one
of integration. To make peace, to cease the
civil war within. To come home to your deeper
self. Try not to see your adapted self as the
enemy. Slowly, when you can befriend all
the parts of you, deep in the centre of your
heart you will find your core, it's not new, it's
been with you all along.......that's a comfort
and where hope can be drawn.

Thank you for the thoughtful responses people. It's comforting to know its not just me who has felt this way.

Thank you all.Quakers comment was so beautiful .crying with happiness