How do you cope with being ostracized?

Post Reply New Topic

.....when there is no escape? In other words, no matter what you do, you will either see the people, hear of the people, or be reminded constantly that others are being included and you aren't.....

Example: family situations when you were a child, other inescapable situations as an adult, where you have to be in proximity with the people who ostracize you, day after day...

I've tried coping methods that don't work, such as:

-Telling myself, "not everyone will like me"
-Listing 10 things 'What do you like about yourself!?"...
-Telling myself i'm "OK"
-Distraction (this method is constantly suggested by others, and it does not seem to be helping)
-Trying to balance the ostracism by seeking new people who will like me (i'm very isolated and trying to connect w/ new people fails)
-physically removing myself from the situation. For reasons I can't get into here, I can't.

I know this sounds like i'm rejecting a lot of solutions; i'm open to the possibility that i'm not approaching them from the right angle. For example, i have enormous trouble comforting myself....someone else has to give me the affirmation, and it has to be quite regular. A counselor giving some detached, generic idea that well, since i'm human there must be something to like...falls flat.

Distraction is also problematic because i get constant reminders that i'm ostracized (and no one will open up as to why). The closest analogy is breaking up with someone you love and landmarks, mutual friends, etc. constantly reminding you of that person. You can't just escape or disappear. It is like being in a small town where everyone hates you but where you have your roots. You stick around because of those roots and other pragmatic reasons, but everywhere you go, you know you are hated (or negatively discussed).

Forgive me please for the generic nature of this inquiry...just hoping for some feedback. Or even if you can relate to this How do you cope - or have you been able to cope - with being ostracized?

You could rationalise your grief, or you could try to overcome the issues if you can find what exactly causes people to exclude you. Do you appear uninvolved, bored and unwilling to communicate? A couple of smiles or looks or a brief chat could accomplish the opposite. Have you found a common interest that could lead to shared pastime? Sometimes you have to adapt to the surrounding people if you stand out with your unique special interests, as that's what everybody is doing - seeking out opportunities and adapting for survival and pleasure.

I've E-mailed a letter to my parents this morning, saying that I needed to feel that I'm accepted as I am now, and not for what they think I could be or should be. I've also mentioned that I need a chance to talk about my special interests, and that I wouldn't go on and on about them, because I've learned my lesson as a child in the 80s. I've also mentioned that I've been working on finding a balance between my favourite part of the 60s and the 21st Century, because I want to be able to connect with my niece as she gets older.

You are not the only one. I can relate to you.

I have recently come to a realization (since I started to suspect that I have AS - not diagnosed yet) that basically I was born different from the majority of the people, I can't socialize like other people do - I was pretty much born without the ability to learn socialization skills naturally. And I can't read what other people are thinking from their actions, facial expressions etc, because I don't have the ability to pick up subtle cues. I'm always left wondering what I did wrong because they never tell me. As a result I am always isolated.

Well, this is how I have logically (though a bit simply) explained to myself what has been happening to me all my life. Knowing (suspecting) that I have AS has helped me a lot think objectively about this issue and accept the way I am. I cannot be expected to be like the others. I am not doing anything wrong because my intentions are good even if I am not understood. In this way, I can feel a little more peaceful inside.

I don't know if all this makes sense to other people.

As far as my family goes, I made a list of all of their interests and chose the ones I disliked the least. Now I go out of my way to keep up with some sort of news on those interests. That way I always have something to talk to them about that I know they WILL be interested in.

It's not always fun but it's not that hard either and it keeps us involved in conversation even though we don't have much to talk about. I've also noticed they are more tolerant of the real things I have to say when I'm practicing this interest in their stuff.

I would say mental escape, but I guess that comes down to distraction and you say that doesn't work. The only other thing that's helped me in that situation is the internet: finding people I can connect with, however far away they may be physically. But that's what you're doing now, so I don't know...

I'm going to need to find some kind of way of dealing with ostracism myself at a party I'm obligated to go to tomorrow, hosted by my toxic aunt.

Personally, I find the more I'm around people the worse I feel.

Cockney Rebel, you have no idea how delightful you are!

I don't seek to be included in groups in the first place ie I don't give people the opportunity to ostracise.

I generally avoid people so I'm the one doing the rejecting and I don't pursue friendships, I generally just respond to people who show friendship towards me first.

In other words I seek to have the upper hand rather than always be at the mercy of other people.

I am the rejecter rather than the rejectee - people have to come up to my standards rather than vice versa

You're only ostracised in as much as you wanted to be included by a group of people so if you say you didn't want to be included anyway and that you can't stand the people doing the ostracising, you are no longer ostracised, you are fortunate!

I've never met an ostraciser who was worth knowing - you're missing out on precisely nothing by not being in communication with such people - they are weak, small-minded and overall exceedingly boring