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abyssquick
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30 Dec 2012, 11:13 am

Visiting with new in-laws for 2 weeks... almost over, but I haven't really had any "recharge time" in the past 10 days. It's been constant socializing, having to willfully pay attention. It completely drained my energy reserves almost right away. I've felt lethargic mentally and physically, and my ability for eye contact is down to non-existent. The anxious, inquisitive mannerisms of the mom have been feeling imposing for several days, too, putting me on edge. Not sure what to do. Don't like feeling like a special treatment case. Tried discussing it last night with my fiance. The consensus is that I'm just being unreasonable, that "I could have it much worse." At least that's the perception.

What am I supposed to do? I've closed myself in a room for the morning trying to get some quiet, but am now afraid that people will think something's wrong. Which ironically is the type of concern that feels so prying right now. I don't like feeling like an alien. Sometimes my cognitive differences are way more obvious. I'm usually good at hiding it. Not so much this time.

I've been trying to make a good impression, but I'm on edge for no reason.



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30 Dec 2012, 11:27 am

I don't think you are on edge for no reason, you have a very big reason and you articulated it well. You're doing the best you can and it sounds like you are doing it well, considering, and it is understandably wearing you down. I am giving all and any who think you are being unreasonable a dirty look - it can't change anything about their attitudes, but I hope when you get that sort of thing you can think that you have someone one your side who is giving them dirty looks for you - and I hope some cheer leading gets you through ... almost there ...


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izzeme
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30 Dec 2012, 11:34 am

10 days... i wouldn't have been able to survive that long on zero recharge, and i consider myself strong on this point.
as said before me, you have all the reason to be drained and wanting to recharge.
i am not sure how you could handle this, but at least know that recharging your social energy is as important as regular sleep to your mental health, take your time off if you need one



abyssquick
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30 Dec 2012, 11:52 am

It's mostly that the energy is high-strung and abrupt. Every now and then a loud noise.

I'm not sure how to communicate all of thei. Usually it's not an issue. My fiance rarely even sees it because I work alone all day.



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30 Dec 2012, 11:56 am

I know I wouldn't have managed to hold out this long - I am lucky in that when I visit my parents, we give each other plenty of quiet time and don't have to talk to each other all the time. Thankfully both my parents are relatively quiet people who need downtime after social events too.



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30 Dec 2012, 1:50 pm

I think you made a big mistake because now they have a kind of standards by which they will judge you and your behavior in the future like, "but you could act quite normally then, so you can do the same now because we all know that you're basically able to behave in the way we want you to ..."

Is it really worth the effort and feeling like an empty battery only to protect other people's biases respectively their lack of understanding regarding your condition?

If you say yes and your fiance is worth all the trouble, just get a migraine. Look up all the symptoms and learn to fake them. Everybody understands that people who suffer from migraine headaches have to lie down in a darkened room and need to be left absolutely alone for several hours. Plenty of down time to recharge your batteries.



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30 Dec 2012, 2:04 pm

PTSmorrow wrote:
I think you made a big mistake because now they have a kind of standards by which they will judge you and your behavior in the future like, "but you could act quite normally then, so you can do the same now because we all know that you're basically able to behave in the way we want you to ..."

Is it really worth the effort and feeling like an empty battery only to protect other people's biases respectively their lack of understanding regarding your condition?

If you say yes and your fiance is worth all the trouble, just get a migraine. Look up all the symptoms and learn to fake them. Everybody understands that people who suffer from migraine headaches have to lie down in a darkened room and need to be left absolutely alone for several hours. Plenty of down time to recharge your batteries.


I don't agree that you should fake a migraine--what if they find out you're faking? How will that reflect on you? How will that reflect on people who genuinely get migraines?

Maybe try explaining to your family that you are really exhausted, and don't think you'll be able to run on little to no recharge time again. If they don't respect that, why spend time with them?

Of course, maybe not spending time with them is not an option. In that case, maybe faking a migraine is the lesser of two evils.


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CyborgUprising
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31 Dec 2012, 12:08 pm

Holidays suck for this precise reason. People seem to demand far too much of you and when you don't "come through" to their standards, you're a d-bag or what not. The most effective thing I've noticed has been to sequester yourself in your room/some quiet place (like the OP stated they wanted to do). If you have a cat that isn't fond of strangers/has jealousy issues, that can serve as an excuse for leaving the area. If there are a significant quantity of people present, you can likely slink off to a quiet place and nobody will likely notice. If this isn't an option, you may have to wait until the crowd dwindles/people are asleep to get your "recharge time" or tell them you don't feel well and need some rest.



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31 Dec 2012, 12:56 pm

PTSmorrow wrote:
I think you made a big mistake because now they have a kind of standards by which they will judge you and your behavior in the future like, "but you could act quite normally then, so you can do the same now because we all know that you're basically able to behave in the way we want you to ..."

Is it really worth the effort and feeling like an empty battery only to protect other people's biases respectively their lack of understanding regarding your condition?

If you say yes and your fiance is worth all the trouble, just get a migraine. Look up all the symptoms and learn to fake them. Everybody understands that people who suffer from migraine headaches have to lie down in a darkened room and need to be left absolutely alone for several hours. Plenty of down time to recharge your batteries.


Who are these people who have to lie down for just several hours with a migraine...I would like to meet them and exchange headaches. My last one went on for 3 days of relentless pounding through the left side of my head, vertigo and nausea which by day 3 got so bad I didn't know what to do with my self other than spend the afternoon lying in bed crying in pain and the evening throwing up as the waves of nausea got too much for me. I have had them last for just a day or two and I have had them last for over 7 days (rarely) but I have never been lucky enough to be able to get away with just lying down for several hours.

I usually lose a good half a week to one and I am fortunate if i can function at all during that time.

Plus I am usually completely washed out the day after...

Lucky buggers they are lol



toliman
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31 Dec 2012, 1:16 pm

for me, it just cuts into sleep, and out of sleep, that decompressive time when you're not doing anything.

not really conducive to the whole "family time", but what really is.

IDK.

during the day, i divert into some repeat TV shows. i can sort of share this,

but it eventually descends into the banal subtext of

"so, how's your life going, i'd like to discuss ways in which i think you should be doing things differently, because this seems like a good point to discuss your life, and not my own. although, if you want, i can discuss my litany of seemingly important issues as well, and because you're not talking, i should probably continue, because you're such a good listener..."

i have considered bailing out and going to the movies,
i hear they're all mostly terrible, with some interesting ones in 3D.

i think the coping mechanism you need is to pick something you'd use as an anti-stress activity, and try to share it with whomever is around, for a while.

if that's nude aerobics, probably wise to pick something semi-sociable, or at least looks semi-sociable, that also prevents idle talking. any backup activity really.



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31 Dec 2012, 5:27 pm

CyborgUprising wrote:
Holidays suck for this precise reason. People seem to demand far too much of you and when you don't "come through" to their standards, you're a d-bag or what not. The most effective thing I've noticed has been to sequester yourself in your room/some quiet place (like the OP stated they wanted to do). If you have a cat that isn't fond of strangers/has jealousy issues, that can serve as an excuse for leaving the area. If there are a significant quantity of people present, you can likely slink off to a quiet place and nobody will likely notice. If this isn't an option, you may have to wait until the crowd dwindles/people are asleep to get your "recharge time" or tell them you don't feel well and need some rest.


That last line. Totally. Because it's true, isn't it? You honestly don't feel well, and you honestly need some rest!


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CyborgUprising
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31 Dec 2012, 5:55 pm

emimeni wrote:
CyborgUprising wrote:
Holidays suck for this precise reason. People seem to demand far too much of you and when you don't "come through" to their standards, you're a d-bag or what not. The most effective thing I've noticed has been to sequester yourself in your room/some quiet place (like the OP stated they wanted to do). If you have a cat that isn't fond of strangers/has jealousy issues, that can serve as an excuse for leaving the area. If there are a significant quantity of people present, you can likely slink off to a quiet place and nobody will likely notice. If this isn't an option, you may have to wait until the crowd dwindles/people are asleep to get your "recharge time" or tell them you don't feel well and need some rest.


That last line. Totally. Because it's true, isn't it? You honestly don't feel well, and you honestly need some rest!


Indeed, it is not a lie. I've heard about "faking" headaches, but I'd rather be honest, even if it is in a roundabout way. People may be a bit more accomodating if they know you aren't feeling so hot.



compiledkernel
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31 Dec 2012, 6:00 pm

abyssquick wrote:
Visiting with new in-laws for 2 weeks... almost over, but I haven't really had any "recharge time" in the past 10 days. It's been constant socializing, having to willfully pay attention. It completely drained my energy reserves almost right away. I've felt lethargic mentally and physically, and my ability for eye contact is down to non-existent. The anxious, inquisitive mannerisms of the mom have been feeling imposing for several days, too, putting me on edge. Not sure what to do. Don't like feeling like a special treatment case. Tried discussing it last night with my fiance. The consensus is that I'm just being unreasonable, that "I could have it much worse." At least that's the perception.

What am I supposed to do? I've closed myself in a room for the morning trying to get some quiet, but am now afraid that people will think something's wrong. Which ironically is the type of concern that feels so prying right now. I don't like feeling like an alien. Sometimes my cognitive differences are way more obvious. I'm usually good at hiding it. Not so much this time.

I've been trying to make a good impression, but I'm on edge for no reason.


Speaking from personal experience, I wouldnt have been able to survive 10 days. I would have been an absolute mess. I mean literally, after that, Id have to lock myself in a room for 3 days, and just stay down until I got past all the feelings it would cause.

Its not unreasonable to tell someone you feel this way. Theres also NOTHING wrong with it.


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31 Dec 2012, 6:23 pm

abyssquick wrote:
Tried discussing it last night with my fiance. The consensus is that I'm just being unreasonable, that "I could have it much worse." At least that's the perception.


It sounds like your fiance does not actually understand you, and "you could have it much worse" is rubbish. When I spent a week in bed because of a cluster headache, I could have had it much worse, but that doesn't mean that I had it good.

You have to be able to establish your own boundaries and have them respected rather than questioned. If you need alone time to recharge, then you need it, and there shouldn't be any harm in saying so (although there might be because other people tend to be selfish and unempathetic when dealing with situations like this).

Quote:
What am I supposed to do? I've closed myself in a room for the morning trying to get some quiet, but am now afraid that people will think something's wrong. Which ironically is the type of concern that feels so prying right now. I don't like feeling like an alien. Sometimes my cognitive differences are way more obvious. I'm usually good at hiding it. Not so much this time.

I've been trying to make a good impression, but I'm on edge for no reason.


I wish I had advice. Usually when I get to this state, I just need to be alone and maybe sleep or shut down for a bit. The shut down part is never optional when it happens, though.



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31 Dec 2012, 6:58 pm

Get a book and tell people your just reading. That's what I do in the prolonged family times. I'm not sure why but sitting on the veranda alone means your suicidally depressed and what to talk yet sitting on the veranda alone with a book is A,OK. Nobody but My wife knows Ive been 'reading' the same book for the last ten years, she also knows I only really read books with pictures in them.



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01 Jan 2013, 5:36 am

I concur with those saying to simply tell them that you're exhausted and don't feel well. It's the truth, and anyone who would keep hassling you to be socializing after that is nothing but a selfish bully who really isn't looking out for your best interests.


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